Recently graduated English major experiences overwhelming financial, personal success

Mo’ English degrees, mo’ money

Against all odds, a recent SFU graduate has shown the world how to make an arts degree work for him.

After graduating with a degree in English (minor in liberal studies), 23-year-old Monay Maker struggled with one major roadblock: he was lost as to how to actually utilize his degree in the corporate job market. Already in debt with $20,000 in student loans, Maker knew he had to make a move.

“As someone with a BA, I’m all about making big money,” said Maker. “But at first, the big money I was after elluded me.”

Formerly a full-time barista in Coquitlam, Maker began voicing his desire for quick cash and better employment to his customers.  A regular at the coffeeshop, known only by the name of Dr. Iceman, offered Maker a job helping him ship high quality pharmaceuticals to the less fortunate and mentally ill.

“I was ecstatic when Iceman offered me a job, as he seemed to only ever pay for his coffee in $100 bills. I felt like this was my out,” explained Maker. “Other employees always spelled his name ‘Icemen,’ and that’s the reason he loved me. I was the only one who spelled it right. I knew my English major would open up a world of opportunity for me.”

After quitting his barista job on the spot, Maker began working full-time for Iceman, helping to conceal pharmaceuticals for international shipments.

“Having the chance to read so many wonderful books during my degree led me to suggest the perfect way to smuggle drugs across the border,” said Maker. “We would cut out the middle part of the book, place the product inside, and then just close it back up again. The Bible makes a great door stopper, but it’s even better for shipping dope.”

After paying off his student loan and making enough money to support himself, Maker shifted careers and made a bid for the entertainment world. It was during this time that he wrote all of the songs that appeared on his debut album, Get Cash or Die Tryin’.

“Having taken multiple poetry classes, I was already familiar with some of the basic rhyming patterns,” said Maker. “Like I already mentioned, I knew my degree was gonna get me that cash.”

Released back in June of this year, Get Cash or Die Tryin’ debuted at the top of the US billboard charts and has enjoyed seven hit songs, including Maker’s first single, “C.U.N.T.” Standing for “Chosen Ultra-hip National Teacher,” Maker’s song has been particularly praised for its honest and inspiring chorus: “I don’t know what you heard about a fee / But a bitch can’t not respect my degree / No student loans, no debts, you can see / I’m just a motherfuckin’ C.U.N.T.”

But instead of basking in his absurd wealth, Maker recently began to give back to the academic world that helped make him the success he is today. Using the profits from his album sales, Maker is currently funding the construction of several colleges across the country in hopes that future generations can enjoy similar successes.

Only offering a single course, students attending Maker’s college will graduate with a degree in “Monay Making,” which will prepare them for a life of incomparable stardom, burgeoning popularity, and, of course, big big money.