BURNABY— One of SFU’s newest clubs, the “Wizard’s Chess Club,” a club based on probably the most unimaginative activities of the Harry Potter world, is complaining that they have experienced significant bullying from members of the university’s popular Quidditch team.
According to the SFU Wizard’s Chess Club’s president, Geoff Malone, their group has been the target of a lot of ridicule since they formed but nothing compares to the way the Quidditch team has treated them.
“It’s typical jock behaviour,” Malone explained during a rare moment of peace, “Just because they were blessed with the athletic ability to pretend to fly around on broomsticks they think they can do whatever they want, it sucks.”
Members of the WCC have told The Peak that they are hardly able to pretend a single piece is moving on its own across the board before they’re interrupted by some Quidditch meathead insulting them or knocking over their board.
“It’s really disappointing for us,” Malone told The Peak on behalf of all four of the club’s members, “most people would assume that we would get along because of the Harry Potter connection but that’s ludacris, it’s like saying detectives would be best pals with people who play ‘Clue,’ no way, just like them we’re classic rivals.”
According to Malone, the Quidditch team has tormented the Wizard’s Chess Players in a number of ways.
From whipping them with towels, to stealing their clothes from their lockers, to hiding their equipment in the showers, the Quidditchers are ruthless, although even Malone admits most of it could be avoided simply by not sharing a locker room with them.
“They’re such cocky assholes” complained one WCC member who preferred not to be named, “I just want to play chess, while pretending I’m a wizard, is that really so weird?”
The unnamed student went on to say that their brutal harassment was having devastating effects on his life and that he had already missed two football practices out of fear that some Quidditch players would find him and tease him.
Malone said that this sort of treatment didn’t even cross his mind when he decided to form a club based on a series of children’s fantasy novels and really wishes there was a place at SFU where students could enjoy the wizard-version of intellectual pursuits instead of just macho wizard sports.
“They act like they own the school, it’s ridiculous,” complained Malone. “I thought university would be different when it comes to these stupid cliques but no, just like in high school, the Quidditch team is allowed to do whatever they want and everyone just turns a blind eye because they’re so goddamn popular.”
Malone went on to say that even though he wishes they would just leave him be, he’s still comforted knowing that being on the Quidditch team is going to be the highlight of these peoples’ lives while he and his friends will surely go on to bigger and better things.
“People just don’t give Wizard’s Chess enough credit” Malone complained in a disappointed tone, “even J.K. Rowling gave up on it after the first book and theer were plenty of moments that it could’ve come up . . . instead of the Tri-wizard tournament in the fourth book it could’ve been the ‘Wizard’s Chess Championship’ and instead of battling Voldemort in the seventh book why couldn’t Harry and Ron just have played Wizard’s Chess instead? That would’ve been a lot more fun . . .”
“We’ll show them though,” Malone continued trying not to think about how Wizard’s Chess is pretty much just regular chess, “today’s Wizard Chess players will be the people running the world tomorrow, meanwhile these Quidditch jocks will be working at some gas station, limping around from a bludger injury thinking of what could’ve been.”
At this point Malone whispered “it’s still barbaric though” referring to the Quidditch bullies’ harassment, “but I guess . . . that’s Wizard’s Chess.”
