Births

It’s a Boy! An American Citizen Boy!

Joseph Leroy Steele was born at 7 pounds on July 20, 2013, to proud parents Steve and Melinda at the Providence Holy Family Hospital, in Spokane, Washington in the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. We’d like to let you know that Leroy is healthy and happy but we’d also like to apologize for putting out this announcement. We know this is self-indulgent and pointless especially since we don’t know anyone at this school or even in Canada but we just want to get this birth on record in as many places as we could in case our son ever wants to become President. He probably won’t, but just in case he does we don’t want the possibility that he was born in another country and just spent his entire life after that in the U.S. to become some big thing.

Took You Long Enough!

Susan and Tim Clarke would like to begrudgingly let you know about their future disappointment-to-the-family addition, Kyle. Not only was Kyle born a week late but he came out crying like a little bitch. Goddammit this kid is soft . . . it sure is going to be a rough 18 years! Plus, his name is Kyle, which I guess we deserve some of the blame for naming him that. But seriously, have you ever met a really successful person named Kyle? I haven’t.

Wedding Bells

John Anderson to marry three horses

John Clifford Anderson from the Vancouver area has announced his engagement to three adult male horses: Rusty, Clip-Clop and Ned. The wedding will take place on August 12, 2021, or at least this is the kind of thing that will be happening then if we don’t do anything about gay marriage. It’s not too late to repeal it, Canada! Send a letter to your MP today! As everyone knows, allowing same sex unions is just the first step before a guy marries three horses! Is this really the world you want to live in?

(This is a Paid Message from The Society for Traditional Marriages and Hyperbole)

Note: If you’ve got an announcement that you’d like featured in The Peak’s Humour section please seriously re-evaluate your life.