By Brad McLeod
Illustrations by Alex Ortega
Growing up can be a new and exciting time in the life of every boy and girl, but it can also be a strange and sometimes confusing journey. As you make the leap from childhood into adolescence you’ll probably start to become aware of a few changes.
Maybe you’ve recently noticed hair where there was no hair before, like on your upper lip, your legs or covering your entire face making you look like you have a dog’s head. Maybe you’ve heard other kids talking about contorting their bodies when they’re alone in bed at night and felt embarrassed that you didn’t understand what they were talking about. Maybe you’ve suddenly begun feeling self-conscious about your body, thinking that everyone who passes by your cage is staring or laughing at you.
Although right now you may be feeling completely alienated, as if you’re some kind of weirdo or monster or oddity, there’s no need to worry and you’re certainly not alone. You’re just beginning a process called puberty which is completely natural and absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. It’s something that almost* everyone goes through and it’s a necessary step to one day becoming a healthy, normal adult freak.
*see Thomas Bingbong, the amazing 92 year old baby
What is Puberty?
Quite simply put, puberty is the transition from being a child to being an adult. It’s the time when an adorable little elephant boy starts to become a big, strong elephant man, and a sweet little human torso girl begins to grow into a beautiful full-figured human torso lady.
When will I start Puberty?
Puberty occurs at a different time for everybody and believe it or not there is no way of knowing even approximately when it will happen. Even if you might feel inside like you’re ready to become an adult 750-pound lady, your body might have other ideas. Everyone progresses at their own pace: some kids will have a full beard by the time they’re 10 years old, while others might remain completely hairless well into their nineties.*
*see Thomas Bingbong, the amazing 92 year old baby
What happens during Puberty?
No two people go through puberty in the same way. Even some conjoined twins have been known to end up looking nothing like their malnourished, dying sibling! Nevertheless, here are a few things you might have to look forward to . . .
Body Changes:
As you physically mature, you’ll probably notice that some parts of your body are getting much larger than they used to be. Whether it’s your ears, your nose, your tail, or any other extremities that are ballooning up, you might just look a bit gangly and awkward for a while. Don’t worry though, with any luck the rest of you will grow to be just as grossly disproportionate in no time!
Growth Spurts:
Rapid increases in size are very common during puberty but they occur at different rates for everyone. While your arms and legs may quickly grow to adult size, your unborn twin’s set of legs may stay child sized for a little while longer and just dangle off of you. Of course, not everyone is going to be the world’s tallest person (only half of you will), but either way you’re probably not going to want to buy any very expensive clothing during this time. Sure, those designer mittens might look nice, but those lobster hands of yours won’t stay that size for long!
Breasts:
The development of breasts (pronounced [boobs]) is another big possible physical development during puberty for both young girls and boys. While two to three breasts is the most common amount, there’s no saying how many you might end up with or how large they may become.*
*see Thomas Bingbong, the amazing 92-year-old baby with astounding quadruple D breasts
New Hair:
While growing up you might have become used to having hair on your head but, as you go through puberty it’s going to start popping up in all sorts of new and unfamiliar places. And sure, those bad teenage mustaches can be a tad embarrassing; but remember, girls, it just means that you’re well on your way to becoming a gorgeous bearded lady!
Acne:
Although being a teenager can be a lot of fun, puberty probably won’t be a very pleasant time for your skin. Where once you may have only had tree-bark-like warts, your face and body can suddenly become inundated with big ugly pimples and zits. Despite what you may have heard, there is no proof that diet has any effect on acne. It’s really just something you have to patiently wait to clear up and there’s no reason to feel bad about eating some fire or swallowing a sword from time to time!
Emotional Changes:
Of course, puberty does a lot more than just change the way you look. In your teenage years you’re also going to have a lot of new feelings and anxieties to deal with. While acting out against your parents or rebelling against society are totally normal reactions to this changing world you’re in, try not to go too crazy or do anything you’ll regret. Just stick to a couple hundred piercings or some full-body tattoos and you should be fine.
Well, that’s about all there is to know about puberty. Now stop worrying so much and get back to being young and carefree! Come on, those nails aren’t going to hammer themselves into your nose!
