Drafted by the Committee Against the Walk of Shame
We, the undersigned, do solemnly swear to abide by the following terms and conditions:
Section 1 (Relating to beds)
Signees shall end the night in question in their respective beds without guests of male gender.
Addendum 1. Even if they say it’s “just to cuddle and talk”
Addendum subsection (a). This includes any arrangements made by phone conversations or texting, colloqially known as “booty calls.”
Addendum 2. An exception will be made only in the case that signees will be permitted to “crash” on another signee’s couch if they are physically unable to make it back to their own.
Section 2 (Also known as the “Nip Slip Motion”)
Signees shall be mindful of their private bits and shall not expose them to the sight of other parties.
Subsection (a): Even if they are “totally asking for it”.
Subsection (b): Signees are obligated to tell other signees if their private bits are exposed, and see to it that appropriate coverage is applied.
Section 3 (Pertaining to alcohol consumption)
The following stipulations shall be made on beverages consumed by signees.
Stipulation: Signees shall not consume beer in conjunction with hard liquors. It makes them gross.
Stipulation: Signees shall not consume tequila. It makes them whore-y
Stipulation: Signees shall not consume any liquid for the expressed purpose of making money. This includes, but is not limited to, a shot glass of hot sauce, a four-gallon container of milk, or a jar of pickle juice.
Stipulation: Signees shall not consume tequila. It makes them whore-y. Seriously
Section 4: (Pertaining to bodily falls)
Signees shall not fall down the stairs.
Section 5: (Pertaining to over-sharing of information)
Signees shall not tell stories that may be considered to be Too Much Information (TMI) as defined below.
TMI includes, but is not limited to, any story recounting lost virginity, sex stories, bodily functions, deep feelings, repressed animosity, and anything that begins with “I never — hic — told anyone thish, but. . . . ”
Addendum: Definition of TMI also includes the contact itself. This document is to remain entirely confidential; exposure may lead to people really liking the idea of tequila shots (see Section 3: Stipulations).
Subsection (a): If a signee feels the urge to divulge information that would contest the Section 5 (Pertaining to oversharing of information), she shall locate another signee, and just tell her all that shit. This contract respects the fact that sometimes you just gotta say what you gotta say.
Section 6 (Pertaining to the use of electronic communication)
Signees shall not send electronic messages (including, but not limited to, texts, Facebook messages, and tweets) to any person who they have been, currently are, or have the potential to be interested in and/or have a physical relationship with.
The Diction Clause: Signees shall take special care not use the word “love” to describe their emotions at this time, excluding the event that they are referring to fast food and/or the song currently playing.
Subsection (a): Signees shall not egg on other Signees to “totally text him.”
Subsection (b): “Sexting” (colloquially defined as text messages of a sexual nature) are strictly prohibited and, frankly, they’re never as sexy as you think, no matter how many exclamation marks are used.
Section 7 (Pertaining to contests of physical strength)
Signees shall not in an inebriated state challenge large, muscular men to contests of a physical nature after most likely having forgotten they do not have the same upper body strength or stomach fortitude as men of a manly nature.
Subsection (a): This is including but not limited to: arm wrestling, foot racing, lifting heavy things, and finishing your drink really fast.
We the undersigned agree with all of the terms and conditions of the above document and will adhere to them for the duration of the night. We agree that adhering to the above provisions shall steer us away from feelings of “Oh no, what did I do last night”, the following morning.
Should a senator wish to amend any part of the treaty during the course of a party night, we shall call an emergency caucus with other signees at the function. Under no circumstances shall men be allowed in this process, no matter how hot their bods are.
Signature X_______________________________________________
Signature X_______________________________________________
Signature X_______________________________________________
By Ljudmila Petrovic and Allison Roach
