English language revokes word ‘literally’ as done in past with matlarf, and spoo
By Gary Lim
Citing flagrant abuse and underappreciation, the English language has issued a formal decree that starting Nov. 22, 2012 the word “literally” will be struck from its archives until time it sees fit to reinstate it.
The sentient collection of every possible word and combination of words in the West Germanic language issued the statement in a letter mailed to most major media outlets.
The single page letter read, “Words are not gifts, they are tools. Tools to for you to parlay your thoughts, ideas and emotions. They can be taken with the same ease as a parent snatching something valuable from the clumsy hands of a toddler as I have done with the word ‘literally.’ One day, you may earn it back.”
Since then, the system of words for communication has made no further statements nor has it responded to any questions posed to it.
This news has brought with it confusion and disarray. The Peak reached out to the community for their thoughts on the troubling news. Local schoolteacher, Cynthia Sullivan, sums up popular opinion best:
“We all appreciate the work that English does in coming up with its words. Without it, it would be impossible to conduct everyday life. But at the same time I worry that this kind of power is in the hands of an individual is dangerous. Who knows where it will end? Can you imagine life without adverbs? Because that’s now a possibility in a post-11/22 world.
But in the aftermath of the vernacular ban, signs of fear and paranoia are beginning to rise as the dust settles. Already reports are coming in of people hoarding words in their basements and cellars, with Barnes and Nobles across the country turning people away as they try to purchase dictionaries and thesauri.
One of these hoarders, Rick Phillips spoke with The Peak through a slot in his reinforced basement door.
“I seen this before, I have, when Latin died. Men fighting in the streets for the barest adjectives, people resorting to sign languge, morse code, baby-talk. Babies for christ’s sake.”
“But not for this time. I have enough words in here to last me a fortnight, paksha, heck, even a lustrum. Now move along or I’ll put a bullet between your eyes.”
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“Who knows where it will end? Can you imagine life without adverbs? Because that’s now a possibility in a post-11/22 world.”
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There has also been talk, percolating in whispers, that the language’s rash actions are signs of mental deterioration and decline, following the brief but similar stunt in 2009, when English disavowed all usage of the dangling participle for the month of July.
However despite the calls for calm by the governments of English speaking countries around the world, many people fearing the worst have already begun to switching over to the next most popular language, Spanish. Regardless, cualquiera que sea el caso, El Pico se compromete a mantener informado con las últimas novedades y hechos. Buenas noches.
