Coca-Cola angrily responds to SFU’s switch to Pepsi

Coca-Cola airs out grievances in an emotional letter to the university that jilted the carbonated drink.
By Coca-Cola

Are you fucking kidding me? A phone call? That’s how you decide to end our contract? After eight blissfully contractually obligated years of service, eight faithful years as your sole soft drink provider, you suddenly decide to end it and all I get is a voicemail at three in the morning.

“We at SFU think you’re really great, but currently feel that the services provided Coca Cola do not accurately represent the soda dispensing needs of students and staff on campus. This is more about us than about you.
“Futhermore, we have put in a request to opt out of the renewal clause of the 10-year contract between Simon Fraser University and Coca Cola Ltd. The CDs and hoodie you left at our apartment will be in a box with the doorman. We’re sorry.”

I always knew that you were a coward, but this is a new low.

You thought you were being so careful, “No, honey, I’m just not thirsty tonight, it was a long day at the office.” Oooh, this is just so typical, I bet you smooth talked her, took her out to our vending machine, the special one. How many soft drink companies did you parade over our memories? What about Dr. Pepper Snapple Group? I bet she was there at one point. That slut.

Besides, you know she’s not naturally sweetened right? That crisp refreshing aftertaste that you’re so into, that’s all hi-fructose corn syrup, and I know as a fact from a certain Dr. Pepper that she’s got the herp!

Okay, look, I’m sorry for exploding like that. I didn’t mean half the things I said, it’s just that all this anger and confusion has got me shaken up. I just — I thought that despite our problems, we were pretty Mello Yello, you know. Maybe things weren’t Fanta-stic, especially in last few years but I always figured at least al-Sprite. Sure we’d fight but we never really to hurt one another more Barqs than bite, if anything. But this, I never saw this coming; this was just a bolt from the Pepsi Blue. It Crushed me.

Honestly, the reason why I’m so hurt in the first place is because I thought what we had was special. You liked me for me; I didn’t have to throw on any of these airs, to pretend to be something I wasn’t. I didn’t need to be Coca Cola with Lime, Vanilla Coke, or Cherry Coke. You didn’t care about my past, how I had tried reinventing myself in the 80s, and the dark time I served in the cola wars. I felt safe with you. But you can just imagine how hard it is to be rational when every time I get a second to think all I think about is you sneaking around town with her and it just — gets to me.

Anyways, I’ll bounce back. I’m a strong independent multibillion-dollar soft drink congrlomerate; I’ll find someone else even if it hurts now. I just needed to get this off my label, and I wanted to you to know that despite all this ugliness, I’ll always cherish the years I spent dispensing you fizzy sugar water. Goodbye.