Aries (March 21 – April 20)
Scorpions! Scorpions everywhere! In your shoes, in your mout ­— Oh wait, sorry that’s this week’s Horrorscope. My mistake.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
This week’s winning Taurus is Kathleen Mayweather of Akron, Iowa. Your $20 TGI-Fridays gift certificate is in the mail.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
This week someone will accidentally buttdial you. It will be the most meaningful conversation you’ve had in years.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
What a coincidence, your sign is cancer too!

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
It’s finally time to stop lying to yourself you don’t like raw tomatoes. You never have.

Virgo (August 23 – September 23)
When was the last time you spoke to your mom? You know, those test results sounded kind of serious. Oh, you’re busy. K.

Libra (September 24 – October 23)
Looks like you’re going to be lucky in love this week — err no wait, it’s you’re going to be in love with “Lucky”. Cartoon leperchaun fetish.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)
This week, the stars say you should be less concerned with them and more concerned with the 2 mile-wide asteroid barreling towards Earth.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)
Expect an interesting financial transaction this week. You’re going to get mugged.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Go for the gold this week, avoid performance enhancing drugs and boost your scores the old fashioned way, by bribing the French judge.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)
Jupiter is in freefall this week. Sell! Sell! Sell!

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
You’re not going to do so hot on land, because you’re a fish. Shut up, it’s the last horoscope. Just let me drink in peace. Drink like a fish. Heh.

By Gary Lim