“I’ve worked here as a campus security guard for more than 30 some-odd years —and nothing prepared me for the unspeakable act those two students were doing inside that there avocado.”

Sixty-one year-old Bruno McPherson struggles to find the words to describe his security shift on SFU’s Burnaby Campus late Friday evening. While the picture of what happened is almost too clear in his mind, reciting his description has been nothing short of mortifying.

Amidst what seemed to be a typical night of monotony on Burnaby Mountain, McPherson took his usual stroll through the AQ when he discovered two students engaging in explicit sexual activity in the cramped crevice of SFU’s most famous fruit.

“I saw them there in it going at it like rabbits — or trying to, anyhow. Didn’t seem like they really knew what they was doing. I’m all for students having ‘relations’ behind close doors, but sweet Jesus, not in front of Terry [Fox]! Have some gosh darned respect.”

The students were apprehended and taken to the SFU security offices where they were questioned on their grievous debauchery. When probed regarding why copulation in an oversized Mexican berry was of interest, the perpetrators placed blame solely on a recently published SFU-centric spoof issue of The Peak titled Peakmopolitan, specifically an article about the best positions to have sex within the fruit. 

Although the students have asked for their names to be kept anonymous, The Peak did catch up with SFU’s filthy fruit philanderers from their cells for further comment on the lustful affair.

“If one party is to blame, it’s those bastards at Peakmopolitan. They made us do it. We waited most of our degree for someone to bestow upon the sacred sexual truths of the avocado, and for what? My partner and I fell off the fucking thing six times trying to get that one move right and now we’re facing academic suspension.”

The students are set to go before an SFU Senate hearing within the month to plead innocence on their crime of avocado-based indecency.

SFU has made no comment on the events as of publication time. However, rumours are swirling that the administration will come down hard on the students to deter others from further defacing what some are beginning to call “the Sexacado.”

My fellow students, I come before you today humbled before the one true power in our lives. We are perpetually overcome by the benevolence of its embrace, that we are crippled in the moment and unable to complete any other task. Surrounded by a force all-powerful and invisible to the naked eye. It is everywhere, lingering in the backs of our minds and taking over our consciousness in our most dire moments. My dear undergraduate brethren, I bring to you the word of sleep.

What is there for us, when all the cards are down — when we feel like we have nothing left inside?

My friends — there is sleep!

What about when the monotony of life pushes us towards the bear hug grip of turmoil and depression?

Brothers and sisters — there is sleep!

Whence do we travel, when our minds are beat and we cannot tolerate another moment of our petty selfish existence?

To the blissful snore-filled oasis that is sleep!

I tell you dear colleagues, sleep is all around us, and we are all subject to its mercy.

To not indulge in sleepiness, my friends, is to be subject to the dire consequences of its sinful opposite: wakefulness.

Wakefulness is as omnipresent and as far-reaching as sleep. It comes to us in many forms, tempting us away from the indulgence that keeps us healthy and sane. Wakefulness overcomes us in our moments of critical need, tearing us from our comfort and shrouding us with the sickening load of studying and assignments. Poisoning our minds with the notion that we must ward off the soft embrace of sleep with the sinful aids of coffee, or worse — fresh air!

So I say to you, my fellow students, repent! Engage in the warm embrace of lethargy, and rest with me in prayer, for to not do so is to suffer the undignified temptations of wakefulness. To refute the word of sleep is to deny what makes us human — an obstruction that is a sure-fire means to our destruction.

Repent!

To SFU,

I can’t figure out these recycling stations at SFU. I don’t know where to put anything. Speaking of sanitation, the Burnaby campus is filthy. Also, I’d pick up garbage but every time I try to, I get an uneasy feeling. And a lot of split ends. I feel like this is all related to the new SFU board of whatevers.

Cory Xin

Hi Cory,

Congratulations for tearing yourself away from your portable witchcraft device.

The new administration is indeed seeking change. So stay away from the litter! I clean the school. It’s my damn job.

You want to help? Be a decent university citizen. Maybe don’t stuff garbage between lecture hall seats. Or not literally everywhere in the library. Or, here’s one: can you actually LINE UP for the 145? I’m standing at the bus stop, completely corporeal, and you walk in front of me. Why do you think I’m even there? To listen to you bastards talk about Much Music? Or your Catholicism?

Do you ever wonder why doors at SFU just won’t open sometimes, Cory? Almost like someone’s holding them back? Sometimes you “students” don’t deserve it.

Don’t touch the garbage. You won’t put it in the right damn receptacle because you won’t put down your damn personalized calculator to look at the damn pictures. They’re just graphics, for God’s sake.

But, really, the school isn’t more dirty than the man, Simon Fraser, himself. Maybe we at the new management just wanted to keep the school as “impeccable” as him. Ever think of that, Cory?

I tell you what, a university named “Louis Riel” wouldn’t be haunted. I’d make damn sure of that.

Want to talk more? Whisper “Father of Manitoba” in an SFU mirror thrice. I dare you.

The Ghost of Louis Riel, Head of Sanitation

As if getting good grades in university wasn’t hard enough, trying to find something nice to wear to your lectures and tutorials is super troublesome! Fear not, though: The Peak has you covered in your first month of classes with some nifty University Life Hacks to turn your wardrobe from geeky to chic-y!

1. Invest your hard-earned cash (or allowance) in pair of loafers. They’re more comfortable and fashionable than converse sneaker, and casual enough to go with anything. Plus, loafers scream university student elegance.

2. Wear a watch. It could very well help you arrive to places on time. Your dead smartphone ain’t doing you any favors. And if it doesn’t — well, wearing a watch says, “Hey, I know I’m late. It’s called fashion. I’m fashion-ably late.”

3. Place a pair of reading glasses above your head when you’re working on homework. It will make you look sophisticated and intelligent. It will also hide the fact that you have no idea what you’re doing in the slightest.

4. Trade in your polo shirts for some argyle sweaters. Everybody loves a sexy checkerboard on their chest.

5. Avoid plaid clothing like it’s the plague — unless of course it’s paired with loafers. Then it’s totally cool.