Give male birth control a shot

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November 14, 2016

Acne unapologetically blooms across your skin. Your mood shifts rapidly and unpredictably. Your libido is up or down like a rollercoaster, and whether you realize it or not, you might be sinking fast into depression.

If you read this and thought, “How terrible and unreal,” because you’ve never experienced any of this yourself, then I’m happy that you’ve never had to worry about these symptoms of hormonal birth control.

Which is not to say, of course, that these problems apply only to users of birth control. I just want to draw your attention to the realities of a risk-riddled treatment that millions of women worldwide deal with, because those same long-lived realities were all it took to kill a study of male birth control.

The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism recently dropped this bombshell, revealing the development of “birth control shots” for males. These shots were 96 percent effective, but apparently, one of the review boards was in quite a tizzy over a different percentage: the three percent of males who experienced depression while on the shot.

Thirty percent of women experience depression while taking female birth control, as Indiana University Bloomington biology professor Elisabeth Lloyd told CNN.

I’m confused. Did the people who cut this project just . . . not know what hormonal birth control entails? Or do they just not care that these symptoms have affected people who aren’t cisgender men for, like, ever?

Because when a birth control option has a depression rate roughly 10 times lower than the one preceding it, that’s not cause to stop looking into it. That’s great! That should be like Mardi Gras in your mind! That’s progress.

As a boy, who therefore has never had to take birth control, I don’t want to overtake the voice of a demographic that I’m not part of. I do, however, want to note all of the men who participated in this study who thought the birth control shots were a great idea.

Out of 320 participants, about 75 percent were down to continue with the contraceptive. Even among those who heard about the study and weren’t interested in the shots, there were men who spoke positively of making them publicly available. Public health major Timothy Lee, told CNN that the shots should be “a personal decision” as long as the potential effects were made clear.

Some doctors, like urologist Seth Cohen, talked about how hormonal birth control is just problematic in the first place. Cohen told CNN this breaches medical ethics, that “young people’s” brains are vulnerable, and that this really just means we need to take a closer look at women’s contraceptives and their problems.

To me, a breach of ethics is expecting women to subject themselves to worse health risks than what men would have to suffer for the exact same result. It’s expecting women to be the ones who most likely pay for that birth control, because not everyone has the luxury of condoms.

If you exist in a time and place where you have access to birth control when you need it, then you’re probably able to make an informed decision about whether or not the risks are too much for you to bear, and you have a right to do so.

If women have been doing this for decades, and men are willing to start, then I don’t know why we need to complicate this issue any further. There are people worldwide who would kill for such convenient, advanced birth control methods. Give us the option, if it’s there. And if you think there are better and brighter solutions? Look for them in the meantime.

Rent’s 20th anniversary is here

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EIC

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November 14, 2016

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Is Broadway a little too far and a little too expensive for you? Were you even born when Rent hit the musical scene 20 years ago? Never fear, fans of musical theatre: URP (formerly Uncle Randy Productions) has got you covered. For one week, November 15–20, URP has assembled what director Richard Berg called, “One of the strong[est] casts of any show we’ve ever done.”

Both Berg and the production’s lead, Darren Adams, spoke to The Peak to give us all a little taste of Broadway before they light up the stage at North Vancouver’s Centennial Theatre. They’ve been rehearsing for months — Berg’s favourite part of the staging process — while Adams is super stoked to step into the big shoes other actors have left for him.

For many people here in Metro Vancouver, seeing Rent has been a distant dream, despite there having been tours and other almost-local tours of the production. Berg has been able to see not only the original production, but the Canadian tour, and the original Broadway cast tour when they visited Seattle several years ago. Meanwhile, Adams has never been able to see a live production of the show, so he is going make the role of Roger his own. “It’s kind of a pros and cons sort of thing,” he said. “I don’t have anything to compare myself to other than the recorded tracks [. . .] I’ve known the show inside and out forever.”

It’s safe to say that Adams is a fan. Berg is as well, although his love for the show is more nuanced. Despite being a director of musical theatre, Berg admitted that, “I’m one of those odd people in musical theatre, in that there are more musicals that I dislike than I like [. . .] I tend to be drawn to the more rock/pop-based ones and the ones that are more performance energy-focused, as opposed to heavy plot-driven ones.”

Rent has always been one of those musicals that most people enjoy, and that a lot of people fall in love with. On the characters, Adams said that “Collins and Angel are kind of everyone’s favourite characters . . .” Adams’ single favourite is Collins and, despite the fantastic original performance by Jesse L. Martin on Broadway (and in the movie), the production’s own Chris Olson “does an amazing job as well.”

Berg and Adams also agreed on their favourite number, both overall and from their own production. “Another Day” tells the story of Mimi finally convincing Roger, as put by Adams — a guy who’s been “going through a lot over the past year or so up until the point of the show [. . .] all the demons that he’s wrestling with” — to get out there and start living again. She convinces him that there is positivity and life even when you’re diagnosed with AIDS which, if you’ve seen the musical or know the story, is an integral plot of the show.

The scene “is one of the strongest in our production,” Berg noted. He added, “[Adams]’s a very gifted performer and does a phenomenal job in this show, but that’s a number where he really shines.”

Don’t miss your chance to catch Rent. Who knows when it will come back, and a 20th anniversary edition is bound to be extra special. More information at URP and tickets at Centennial Theatre.

Students get a discount: $36 instead of $44 for regular shows November 16–20, or $28 for the preview performance on November 15.

NEW MUSIC FRIDAY

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November 14, 2016

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Follow The Peak on Spotify to stay up to date on New Music Friday.

“We the People . . .” – A Tribe Called Quest

Jessica Whitesel: I always forget how great rap can be. When there is focus on social justice and issues that black and POC communities face, it’s straight fire. That’s the focus of this song and while it isn’t going to be the soundtrack to getting lit in the club, it still is a banger nonetheless.

Tegan Gallilee-Lang: Daaaang, it is so baller when the backtrack cuts out like that. All the lyrics in this song had me going “Boooooom. Equality, bitch!” Must add it to my post-election angst playlist.

“Me and Your Mama” – Childish Gambino

JW: This song is stupid long and doesn’t really do too much as a standalone song since it is cinematic as fuck. This wouldn’t be out of place on any number of soundtracks, but it is too long to just sit and listen to.

TGL: DONALD GLOVER JUST PUT OUT A NEW TV SHOW WHERE DID HE FIND THE TIME TO DROP NEW MUSIC!!?? That man is a superhuman. The track is really great though. When you’re listening don’t give up on it too quickly, it really kicks in about halfway through. The screamy-singing is definitely a departure from Gambino’s usual mellowness, but I dig.

“Immigrants (We Get the Job Done)” – K’naan feat. Snow Tha Product, Riz MC, Residente

JW: After the disaster that was the US election earlier this week, this song has so much more urgency than if it was just another song from Hamilton. Also I’m a sucker for rapping in Spanish so that’s pretty great.

TGL: Yo, this week’s playlist is T-O-P-I-C-A-L. The Hillary dig stings, but the song overall has empowerment potential. It makes me happy that all these different people got together to rap and sing about their shared struggle, ya know? The Spanish rapping is the definitive highlight, though.

“Dandelion” – Sad Eye

JW: I guess it’s OK, but it’s been done sooooo many times already. Girl sings in a weird strained lower voice, bass and electronic plinks come in, then the backing track drops out, and then she starts to sing super high and the song stops. It’s old and not really worth listening to.

TGL: Her singing and melodic lines remind me a lot of Tove Lo — but a lot better? Like she definitely sings with more nuance. The song is super catchy, too. I would turn this up and jam out to it in the car.

“Cocoon” – Milky Chance

JW: It’s classic Milky Chance, but kind of slowed down and I can’t decide if that works for me or not. It’s not a bad song, but I might have to listen to it a few more times before I can make any sort of call on this being either a good or bad song.

TGL: Nothing special. I would probably come to like it if 102.7 The Peak made it one of those songs they play non-stop.

“Ghost in the Wind” – Birdy

JW: I want to like Birdy because she does have talent, but I just can’t. There is something about either the production or the type of songs that she ends up singing that I just don’t like. This is another one of those. It’s too slow, too high, and doesn’t go anywhere until almost the very end, but it’s too little too late.

TGL: I don’t like the piano’s sound. Too tinny. Otherwise, the song really builds. I was reluctant to keep listening, but the payoff was worth it. Loved the contrast between solo Birdy and Birdy avec ghost chorus.

“On Hold” – The xx

JW: I guess that this an OK song, but I’ve tried listening to it about six times now and all I’m getting is background music. So maybe it isn’t that great.

TGL: The rhythmic singing in the chorus is so cool! Otherwise kind of a dud. I was still thinking about Birdy.

“I Would Like” – Zara Larsson

JW: This sounds like every other Zara Larsson song and by extension every other pop song out there right now. It’s OK but it isn’t new and doesn’t stand out.

TGL: Song about sex because that’s what will sell, right? Wait, Zara Larsson, you would like to get to know me under where? I didn’t catch it the 30th time. Bleh.

“What the World Needs Now Is Love” – Rumer

JW: I mean, the song is correct, the world does need some love right now, and I did think about this song right after I found out that Trump won. I would have maybe liked a version that was sped up just a touch, but this still is a good version.

TGL: This is a high school choral arrangement waiting to happen. That I would want to hear.

“Secret Stash” – Dragonette feat. Mike Mago

JW: This is a fun song and I would dance to it at the club, but if you are trying to get anything done, I would say skip this one.

TGL: Stash of what? I missed it. I would probably only ever listen to this song about drugs (or it could be Halloween candy, who knows?) again if I was on drugs. So not great chances.

“The Valley” – Keshia Chanté

JW: I didn’t know she was still making music. I remember her from when I was in middle school or something like that. It doesn’t seem to really go anywhere — kind of like her career.

TGL: Dang, I was excited when I saw this song was by Keshia Chanté. “Been Gone” was some A+ shit. This sound is a lot like Banks’, which is cool for Keshia Chanté but for the music world is nothing super innovative.

“Overture” – Dave Grohl feat. Taylor Hawkins, Nick Raskulinecz

JW: I’m confused as to where this song is coming from. I know that the Foo Fighters are currently on hiatus, but this is also 2/5 of the band. It’s great drumming and guitar playing, but that’s about it. I guess it is what it says it is — an overture — but unless you have a part written in for cannons like “1812 Overture” you can sit the fuck down and stop.

TGL: This a rock thing that I’m supposed to know about, right? Why is there no singing? What an anticlimactic ending to an otherwise actually-OK-this-week playlist.

Movember is still a viable movement

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EIC

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November 14, 2016

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As we draw closer to Movember, get ready to hear from many that because moustaches no longer equal a mandatory accumulation in research funds, there’s no point to growing them.

Despite this claim neglecting the fact that Movember has raised over $446 million since 2003, this month is about more than sponsorships for facial hair. Movember advocates for awareness about men’s mental and physical health, while simultaneously encouraging early cancer detection.

So, what about those hipsters who sport the most fashionable modes of facial hair all year long, or those men who can’t seem to sprout one hair above their lips? How are they contributing to the quest for men’s health? Well, the idea that all men must grow beards to support prostate cancer research — or that if they already have a moustache, they’re not doing it for a good cause — are nothing more than common misconceptions.

Whether the choice is personal or one made by stubborn hair follicles, not all men need to modify the way they look to support the eradication of a terrible, terrible disease. That’s almost as preposterous as saying, “There’s no way you can support breast cancer research because you don’t have boobs.”

People can find other ways to support the cause. Besides, when some men look as creepy as Kip or Uncle Rico with a moustache, it’s better for all of us when they choose to be a part of the campaign by different means — perhaps by sporting some moustache gear instead.

Yes, the campaign has been the source of some unrest over the years for the problematic implications many have drawn from it. It employs archetypal masculine mottos such as “Real men, growing real moustaches, talking about real issues,” which once again reduces masculinity to physical characteristics like facial hair. It’s also been used as an excuse to shame women for their own body hair.

Nevertheless, completely boycotting an event that fights cancer is just unreasonable. Whether we like it or not, there is a new case of prostate cancer every 2.4 minutes according to the Prostate Cancer Foundation. Nothing will be done about it by simply sweeping the issue under the carpet.

Movember promotes a sense of community for males by reinforcing a supportive environment for afflicted men and their well-being. Until the people who criticize Movember find a better way to tackle the plethora of illnesses that affect the male population, they have no right to complain about a project that brings widespread awareness and funding to men’s health.

The year Pandora’s box exploded

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EIC

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November 14, 2016

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Kylie Jenner eloquently stated at the beginning of the year that 2016 was the year for “realizing things.” I wonder if she could see the disasters developing before us. Among the many ruthless acts of terrorism all throughout the world, it seems the realities of the Pandora’s box have poured over the West.

June 12: Omar Manteen took a gun, killed 49 people, and wounded 53 others in Orlando at a gay night club. The world analyzed his ethnicity, his religion, and his sexuality.

June 16: British MP Jo Cox was brutally murdered, and the media received criticism for not labelling the white perpetrator a “terrorist.” People asked whether this would have been the case had the perpetrator been a man of colour.

June 23: When the police officer allegedly responsible for the unlawful death of Freddie Gray in Baltimore was acquitted, some asked why only #BlackLivesMatter and argued that #AllLivesMatter. Others called this racist.

June 24: When Britain announced that it would be leaving the EU, the island divided. Racist and xenophobic hate crimes ensued.

November 8: When Trump was elected as president, the Trump HQ yelled “Lock her up” while the other half of the population labelled Trump misogynistic, bigoted, and corrupt.

In light of these events, we criticized, yelled, meme’d, labelled, and further split our world based on race, gender, and sexuality. Social media reinforces our beliefs and further divides us. We smack ideas into each other’s faces without even a glance or a thought; as a result, we do not heal.

As soon as the results of the election were announced, Twitter lit up with a graphic that established what the outcome would have been if only millennials had voted. We immediately labelled the baby boomers as wrong, as racist, and as sexist.

There’s a reason why we called the US election “Brexit 2.0.” This election relays all the same ideas of racism, and ageist remarks, as what the Brexit referendum vote posed, with the added touch of homophobia and bigotry.

We can criticize Donald Trump all we want. We can share the same articles, like each other’s statuses, retweet that same meme thousands of times, and delete our Trump supporter friends off of Facebook; but doing so only further enforces this divide.

We need to use our anger, our motivation, our fear, and look to find rational solutions to combat bigotry. Let’s speak to and level with those who disagree, and try to use our knowledge to unteach the ignorance that we so often see.

I’m not ignoring the fact that Britain voted to leave the EU due to racist ideations. I’m not ignoring that the US population voted to elect a president who views women as objects, with a vice president who believes in conversion therapy.

I do, however, believe that the American voting system has created a platform for people to validate themselves and these ideas — ideas that many have worked hard to lock up and squash in Pandora’s box. But the box has exploded, and it’s not being rebuilt any time soon.

It’s time we begin to understand that we’re all striving for the same things we wanted 50 years ago: workplace equality, ending racism, breaking the glass ceiling, and abolishing homophobia.

It’s time to change the conversation. Our world is far from the accepting place we all believe it should be.

As stated by Naomi Klein: “So let’s get out of shock as fast as we can and build the kind of radical movement that has a genuine answer to the hate and fear represented by the Trumps of this world. Let’s set aside whatever is keeping us apart and start right now.”

Canadians, the Trump travesty isn’t a joke

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EIC

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November 14, 2016

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Six months ago in my hometown of Eugene, Oregon, then-presidential candidate Donald Trump spoke at our community centre. Protesters turned out from all over the state, bringing posters, banners, noisemakers, and solidarity. I went alone to the rally, a little nervous and shy, unsure of how the Eugene Police Department would react to the protest.

We shouted “Black Lives Matter,” “Muslim Lives Matter,” “Fuck Your Wall,” “No Donald Trump, No KKK, No Fascist USA,” “Women’s Rights Are Human Rights,” and other chants. It was a beautiful night of solidarity in an extremely diverse group of people.

Tensions were certainly high. Trump supporters called us lazy, called us all welfare “leechers,” called the Hispanic and Latinx protesters “illegals,” called the Muslim protesters “terrorists,” and frequently used the N-word and other racist slurs. One man sporting a “Make America Great Again” hat yelled that he hoped I got raped.

When I tweeted about the experience later, I was accused of lying, of trying to make Trump “look bad.” As if he needed any help in that department. But I still had hope. At that point, there was still widespread disbelief that Donald Trump would become the GOP candidate, let alone the president-elect.

But this is our reality now.

On November 8, I watched a map of the United States turn red one state at a time. I watched as Texas, Florida, Ohio, Iowa, Wisconsin, and others all chose Trump over Clinton. I began crying as Trump reached 250 electoral votes, needing only 20 more to win the election.

I cried for my friends living in poverty, as the country voted for a man who doesn’t believe they deserve access to food or shelter in hard times, who calls them lazy, whose supporters call them “leeches” of “the system.”

I cried for my fellow woman-identifying humans, watching America choose a man who’d mocked sexual assault, a highly gendered act of violence. I cried for my friends on the queer spectrum, as the country which hasn’t even had marriage equality for two full years yet voted for Mike Pence, a man who has argued in favour of funding conversion therapy.

I cried for my friends who don’t have the privilege that comes with white skin. I watched the country vote for someone who’s openly xenophobic towards Muslims, who supports harsher punishments for minor crimes that disproportionately affect black Americans, who disrespects native land both politically and environmentally.

I cried for those who haven’t completed their immigration process, watching as the country their parents came to in an effort to escape violence — that the US military often had a hand in creating — voted to “send them back,” as if they have anywhere to go. I cried for those still living in the Middle East, who almost undoubtedly now await even more violence in their region in the interest of oil.

I didn’t stop crying until Thursday morning.

That morning, I woke up angry. At the brokenness of the Electoral College and the absurdity of the two-party system, and at how despite the majority of voters choosing Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump had won the election.

Plenty of my Canadian friends laughed at what a “joke” this election was, trivializing it as if it didn’t affect them, and that especially stung. If you don’t care about the lives of people living in the States, then let’s talk about how your lives will be affected. No, I’m not talking about an influx of American refugees.

Air pollution produced in the States does not stop at the 49th parallel. Neither does water contamination and, in an increasingly globalized world, nor does soil contamination. The transportation of food across borders means that the increased levels of pollution that will arise out of Trump’s grotesque lack of regard for climate change will affect the entire world, and it would be foolish to brush this off as an American problem.

When Trump incites violence worldwide, whether that’s through construction of a wall on our Southern border, or through xenophobic foreign policy, refugee crises will be exacerbated. Millions will be displaced. This is a global problem.

When Trump’s tax policies and blind faith in trickle-down economics, which has been proven time and time again to be ineffective, create another massive recession, the Canadian economy will go down with us. Our economies and politics are inextricably tied together, and the US is a major consumer of Canadian exports.

Canadians, what happened on Tuesday night isn’t a joke. Stripping away fundamental human rights has never been and will never be a joke. A Trump presidency is dangerous for all of us economically, politically, and morally. It’s a danger we need to take seriously.

SFU loses to Cal Poly Pomona on penalty kicks

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EIC

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November 14, 2016

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SFU outshot the Broncos 12–4 and had five shots on target compared to only two for the Broncos.

It was a game that, on paper, would have been worthy of a matchup much further along in the tournament.

SFU was the Great Northwest Athletic Conference (GNAC) champion, coming off a 14–1–2 regular season in which the team outscored opponents 46–13. The opponent, Cal Poly Pomona, was the Division II finalist the season before, and had a 12–5–3 record this season. The two had also played each other earlier this season, and SFU won 2–0 on goals from Erik Morden and Rahid Raheim.

But in a win or go home situation, anything can happen. The Clan outshot the Broncos 12–4, but despite that, SFU was forced to go to penalties. When they got there, they weren’t able to convert, despite senior goalkeeper Brandon Watson saving the first two Broncos kicks.

It marks the end of a fantastic season for SFU, albeit probably a lot sooner than they would have liked. The Clan was undefeated for most of the regular season, the lone loss coming November 3 against Western Washington. Adam Jones was named GNAC Player of the Year, a year after winning GNAC Freshman of the Year. Magnus Kristensen was named Defensive Player of the Year, and Riley Pang was named Freshman of the Year. All those players will return next season.

However, the elephant in the room is the situation of hosting their half of the bracket on the road in Seattle at Interbay Stadium, home of the Seattle Pacific Falcons. Despite earning home field advantage, SFU had to play the game in the United States, being the only Canadian team in the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA). One has to wonder how different this game would have been had SFU played this at Terry Fox Field. The Clan had an amazing home record this year, not losing a single game. The last time they lost at home in fact, was October 16, 2014 against Seattle Pacific.

Would the team have won if was a true home game? We’ll never know. But if the NCAA values SFU as an integral member, this is going to have to change sooner rather than later.

Birth Control: The good, the bad, and the hormonal

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EIC

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November 14, 2016

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What is birth control?

The most commonly discussed form of birth control is the male condom. Male condoms are a thin sheath of material, typically latex, that slides over the penis to prevent sperm from reaching the vagina.

Close behind in popularity is the Pill. The Pill is a small maleate tablet which contains hormones to alter the body’s chemistry. Pills contain progestin and, in combination birth control pills, estrogen as well. It depends on which brand or type is prescribed. Progestin is a synthetic progesterone, and progesterone is a hormone that helps the uterus prepare for pregnancy. Estrogen affects the sexual development of females and regulates some metabolic processes.

But other than these two popular contraceptives, not a lot of people know what their options are. Other forms of birth control include female condoms, contraceptive sponges, cervical caps, diaphragms, implants, intrauterine devices (IUDs), patches, shots, the morning after pill, and vaginal rings. And those are just the methods for females.

There are also methods for males, but they’re far less numerous. In this article specifically, we’re referring to the female methods, and particularly the methods which alter the body’s chemistry. Not to say male contraceptives aren’t worth conversation — they certainly are — but currently women are the ones being the most affected by contraceptives on a hormonal, day-to-day basis.

Who takes birth control and what does it do for their body?

People with the reproductive organs necessary to carry a human child to term are the ones who are prescribed birth control. Generally, the people who get these prescriptions are also having vaginal sex with a person who has a penis, but it’s not uncommon to take it for health reasons. Because the Pill contains hormones which serve more than one purpose in the human body, preventing pregnancy is not the only reason it can be prescribed.

The main reason most women use birth control is to prevent pregnancy. No method is 100 percent effective, but some method is generally better than nothing. Of course there’s abstinence, but that’s not for everybody.

My old roommate took birth control for a while to help with her acne. It worked wonders: her face was as clear as a cloudless sky. But the side effects that came with her prescription were enough to have her welcoming back the acne. It was preferable to the killer migraines the pills gave her, which would interfere with her work.

My girlfriend takes birth control to deal with her menstrual cramps. They’re worse than the average menstruating person’s, and her doctor even designated abdominal migraines — and yeah, they’re as awful as they sound. One of her side effects is depression, a mental illness that research has discovered may be related to taking the Pill.

Other issues that birth control may help with include irregular periods, menstrual migraines, endometriosis, and polycystic ovarian syndrome.

What are some of the side effects?

Some side effects include anxiety, nausea, weight gain, tenderness of the breast, spotting in between periods, headaches, and mood changes. These all affect different patients in different ways, and the severity of whatever side effects you experience will largely affect whether you continue to use them, as my girlfriend has, or if you stop, like my old roommate.

Will birth control give me depression?

Not necessarily. As mentioned before, a recent study from the University of Copenhagen found a correlation between the birth control and depression, stating that those taking the combination oral pill were 23 percent more likely to be diagnosed with depression, while those taking the progestin pill were 34 percent more likely.

As many scientists (and my psychology professors, at least once a week) will tell you, correlation does not imply causation. However, it seems more likely that the depression stems from the use of the Pill (with the aforementioned mood changes as a listed side effect) than it is likely that people who are at a greater risk for depression opt to use the Pill.

So it’s not guaranteed that the Pill will cause you to develop depression, but it is a possibility nevertheless.

How can the side effects be minimized?

There’s no easy solution for this. Side effects will probably happen to people who take a form of hormonal birth control. However, because there are different types of birth control, and different brands and mixtures within those types, sometimes you just have to shop around to find the birth control option that gives you the best results with the lowest number of side effects.

It can be a long and difficult process — not to mention expensive if you don’t have insurance that helps to pay for your prescriptions — but if you can conquer all of the obstacles in your way, you can find a birth control method that gives you the results you want.

Is birth control worth it?

Only you can answer that question. Whether birth control is “worth it” depends on the user and what kind of trade-off they’re looking for. If birth control stops or at least mitigates some seriously violent cramps, but in return the side effect is a major headache, only the person using the birth control can decide if that’s an acceptable trade.

Just because it’s your decision doesn’t mean you have to go it completely solo. Ask others about their experiences with birth control, and do your research. Don’t forget, one of your best resources is the person who prescribes the methods for you; get your doctor to help you figure out what works for you and what doesn’t.

How to flirt with your cute tutorial partner

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EIC

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November 14, 2016

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University classes offer students the perfect window to find that special somebody, yet they don’t teach you how to effectively flirt with your tutorial or lab partner. So listen up and take good notes. You might not have a stellar GPA, but hey, winning the heart of that cutie is much more important than paying attention in tutorial.

Debate theory

Girls dig guys who can debate a theory or two at any time. Plus, it really shows your “academia is my soulmate” side. Get her eating out of the palm of your hand while you debate about theories, like whether it hurt when she fell out of the sky, or how possible it is for her hair to look this luscious all the damn time.

Arrange a library date

The sexiest thing to do with your tutorial partner? Just stare. It’s kinda tough to do in tutorial with so much noise and chatter, but in the silence of the library, you can study the colours of his eyes, the bone structure of his jaw, and the curve of his lips. Whoever said anatomy was boring?!

Get the professor’s approval

Show your lady who really dominates the lecture hall by getting in on some witty and intellectual banter with your professor. If your prof springs a 10-point quiz on you, spring back with a confident “I don’t need to study this quiz because I got a perfect 10 right here,” while gesturing at your girl beside you. If she doesn’t get in on that, maybe your prof will swoon at it.

Share your notes

Notes are a coveted part of studying, so show your guy that you care about them by sharing some of your own notes with him. Notes can include the ones that you took when you paid attention in lecture for all of five minutes, as well as doodles of your future family, an ode about how great his hair looks in the morning, or graphs that chart out exactly how perfect his eyebrows are. You’ll both pass this class with flying colours!

Do your research

Ladies love it when you pay attention to their life, interests, and likes — wait, you haven’t been paying attention? You better hit the books and study her social profiles and networks pronto tonto! Be sure to cite Best Friend et al. when talking about how great last night’s episode of The Bachelorette was, or discuss how Ex-Boyfriend (2014) was a real sleazeball. You’ll definitely melt her heart with how much you pay attention to her!

Quotes to hang on small artsy canvases in your middle-class suburban home

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EIC

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November 14, 2016

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Bakers gonna bake

White, middle-class, suburbia.
With a fair degree of certainty, I’m going to assume that the only activity you partake in more than listening to Tay-tay is whipping up a fresh tray of chocolate chip cookies.

So this quote is a perfectly apt Venn diagram which outlines your life philosophy: there are always going to be people out there who judge you for loving One Tree Hill. Let them.
It’s their loss for never having known the joy of estranged brothers being united through basketball.

Who needs friends when you’ve got casserole ?

Got some leftover asparagus and cheese? Casserole that bitch. Tuna and hummus? Looks like it’s casserole o’clock. Banana and chives? All aboard the casserole express — next stop, my tummy.

Finally made a friend? For the love of God, please don’t casserole Margaret.

Good things come in small packages, except a small package

You don’t need to get a four by four — nor do you need a 24-inch cheeseburger pizza. That’s right, put down the 60-pack of single-ply toilet paper and slowly back away from Costco. Size isn’t everything. Well, most of the time. (Yes, I’m alluding to micropenises here. Mircopenisi? Regardless, no offence intended towards those who have a micropenis.)

Having an orgasm is a state of mind

Sure, technically it’s a physical sensation. But if you tell yourself, “You know what? Today, I am going to have an orgasm,” chances are you will.

In a similar vein, if you put your mind to being able to rap every verse to Eminem’s “8 Mile,” that’s exactly what’s going to happen, Marshall.

Aspire for greatness, expect mediocrity

You made a good go of it with high school football. But that inevitably led to a saIes job at a local car dealership. I know you go by your middle name, Joe, but your parents named you “Average” for a reason. Embrace it; there’s no shame in it.

When life gives you lemons, get out 50 cents. You’re at a grocery store. Stop fucking stealing, you kleptomaniac

Life doesn’t just give you lemons. This isn’t a fucking Disney movie. You want some lemonade? Get your good for nothing ass to Walmart, buy some lemons, and make it yourself. Or if you’re a lazy son of a bitch, just buy some lemonade. It’s really not that difficult. While you’re there, maybe see what their return policy is on other bullshit proverbial phrases.