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New Music Friday

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(Linda Shu / The Peak)

By: Alex Bloom, Gabrielle McLaren, Courtney Miller, Natasha Tar

“Moon River” – Frank Ocean

Courtney Miller: First, why would anyone ever try to redo “Moon River.” Second, this is so so so extra with the layered vocals and the overproduction

Gabrielle McLaren: There’s a lot going on here . . . Maybe use it for a montage of someone running through the woods and then standing on a bridge while nostalgically looking at the lights of the city while contemplating their core issues?

Natasha Tar: Hot trash.

Alex Bloom: I love Frank Ocean, but I’m not feeling this one.

“Vincent” – Ellie Goulding

CM: I hear Ellie Goulding is a bit of a trash human being, but this isn’t awful — just done before by better people.

GM: I mean I’m not mad? I’m not impressed?

NT: Her voice is nice, meh lyrics though.

AB: Usually not my kind of thing, but I won’t skip it.

“Bottom of You” – Beatchild, the Slakadeliqs

CM: I know my general thing is to tastefully dislike 99% of these playlists, but I actually kind of, maybe, like this? I dunno. Cue the existential crisis. It is a bit repetitive though.

GM: Every time I start getting into it, the beat and mood changes and I get confused.

NT: I thought this was going to be rap! What’s going on??

AB: This song isn’t exactly sure what it wants to be, but maybe that’s the point? I’m not complaining, though.

“Hammer” – Bisa Kdei

CM: I don’t dislike it, would not seek it out, would not change the dial. Do people still say “change the dial”? Is that still a thing? Is it a different generation?

GM: Cool story, grandpa. On the song: OK, now we’re talking.

NT: I really like this actually.

AB: Smooth vocals and production. I’m definitely downloading this one.

“Sister” – Tracey Thorn, Corinne Bailey Rae

CM: I like the percussion and sometimes the melody, but otherwise it’s unimpressive.

GM: I don’t understand the BLOOooooOOoh sound that came on, but I’m actually into these vocals.

NT: For new music, this sounds like it’s from another generation.

AB: For me this song almost works . . . almost.

“Cutting Ties” – 6LACK

CM: How about, no. Monotonous and blasé.

GM: *long sigh* I feel like I’ve heard this before. And I didn’t like it then either.

NT: Ditto. All rap sounds basically the same to me.

AB: I’m gonna be that guy, but all rap doesn’t sound the same, a lot of rap these days does suck though.

“Thought Contagion” – Muse

CM: Lololol, Muse still exists? This intro sounds familiar. If you like Muse, then knock your socks off.

GM: When they invent time travel, I’m going to bring this song on a USB stick to 12-year-old me, slip it in the mail slot, and she’s going to have the best week of her life.

NT: This song should definitely be on a Scooby Doo movie soundtrack.

AB: I support the soundtrack idea, but I wouldn’t listen to this in any other context.

“Le fils à papa (remix)” – Vianney

CM: I like it. The remix isn’t as atrocious as I feared.

GM: So they made some choices as far as sound goes, but I’m down for these lyrics and fascinated by the occasional Shakira-trilling to his voice?

NT: Most of it is good, but honestly the weird yells in the chorus part kinda scare me.

AB: The vocals remind a little bit of Stromae, and although listening to this reminds me that my French isn’t as good as it used to be, I like it a lot.

“Sauce It Up” – Lil Uzi Vert

CM: Could this intro be any more unexciting. Save three minutes and 27 seconds of your life and skip it like I will now.

GM: The song peaks before it even begins when you read the title.

NT: Best part: the title. Worst part: the song.

AB: I’ll be honest, I just put this song on the playlist because the title made me laugh.

“Cocky” – A$AP Rocky, Gucci Mane, 21 Savage, London On Da Track

CM: Yeah, too fucking cocky without anything to back it up, get off my Spotify. Why do people give you money, they should be taking money from you to stop this trash.

GM: Why.

NT: I heard the words “candy mountain” and “layer cake” so is this song about . . . Candyland??

AB: I recognize A$AP Rocky is talented in his delivery, but his lyrics almost always make me cringe.

“Run For Your Life” – K.Flay

CM: I’m 95% sure I’ve heard this on a Charmed soundtrack somewhere, like when Phoebe *spoiler alert* goes dark for a spell.

GM: In what context do you listen to this other than ‘it’s part of the soundtrack of the movie I’m currently watching’?

NT: OK.

AB: I’m running.

“Wait by the River” – Lord Huron

CM: Does this guy do water songs because he’s named after a lake (fun fact: the lake is named after the Indigenous nation, so name-ception)? Without the creepy top layer of effects, it’s not half-bad. A little oldies-esque.

GM: I’m onboard. I can’t explain why, but I am.

NT: I remember he did most of the music for A Walk in Woods, so that was cool. This has a bit of a slow-dance vibe that’s different from that soundtrack, though.

AB: Why don’t we meet at a coffee shop by the river instead? It’s cold outside.

Art they should display at SFU

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Illustrations by Cora Fu

By: Hannah Davis

The $7 Coffee

This is a performance art piece that will last 10 hours. This art piece starts with a simple empty generic coffee cup sitting in the middle of Convocation Mall. Students will pass it by, taking no notice, maybe even occasionally kicking it over. After exactly five hours, a hired performance artist will appear out of nowhere. They will be dressed as any SFU student is — in a hoodie, jeans, a rain jacket, and semi-messy hair. The performance artist will then begin trying to pick up the coffee cup . . . but every time they get it off the ground, they drop it because it is too heavy. They repeat the line: “Coffee weighs heavy on my wallet and on my mind.” Students will walk by and see themselves in the fake student, inspired (but probably not) to stop drinking coffee. This really is a humanistic piece, if I, the artist who has no recollection of what it was like to be a student, do say so myself.

A giant butt sculpture


This piece is a giant butt sculpture to be placed beside the observatory on the SFU Burnaby campus. This is to demonstrate that, yes, while we
are studying science, astronomy, and the infinite mysteries of the ever-expanding universe here at SFU — we are all still simply searching for some booty.

Who’s Tired?

This is a series of paintings to be hung around the SFU Academic Quadrangle. Each painting will be titled Who’s Tired? — and this will be indicated by a plaque hanging above the frame. When a student walks up to see the painting, they discover it is no painting at all, but a mirror. To this, the student will roll their eyes and walk away. This piece is jarring, reflective, and might (but, again, probably won’t) help students get more sleep. If we really wanted to help students get more sleep the university could lay off with all the irrelevant readings and random assignments . . .  but that’s not how university rolls.   

Free food performance piece

This is another performance art piece to occur at SFU. This one will demonstrate the ways in which students, burdened with some sort of financial instability, are always grateful to be fed for free. The piece will seem like a free food fair, because different tables will be giving away a variety of meals. In reality, the cooks are all performance artists who ACT like real cooks. All the students who eat for free will be taking part in a beautiful live performance, but they won’t even know it — they’ll just be appreciating a good meal.  

Free money performance piece

Another performance piece, consisting of a whole new cast of performance artists and actors. These actors will be handing out $50 bills to any student who walks by. These $50 bills will be attached to a fishing line, and once the student walks far enough away, the performance artist will yank the money out of their hands. In exchange, another actor will throw an iClicker at the student, which the student can keep. The student will inevitably say something like “I’d rather have the $50,” to which the actor will reply, “Sorry, you have to keep the iClicker instead, and you’ll use it in maybe one class for assignments that count for maybe 3% of your total grade.” This piece illustrates the ways in which university students must give up insane amounts of money for things that do not make sense. Every student who unwillingly participates in the piece will hate it.

Stuff we like and don’t like

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(Elena Hsu / The Peak)

By: Hannah Davis

Stuff We Like:


Re-watching The Office

It is no brag when I say that I have watched the show three times through . . . because I have spoken to people who have achieved that number and tripled it or better, leaving my three in the dust. One of my favourite aspects of the show is the way in which the writers have developed the character of Michael Scott (Steve Carell). His actions and words often make him entirely insufferable; and yet the writers have constructed him with such care that, incredibly, he is capable of redeeming himself at the end of each episode. The same dimensions and complexities are given to characters who may on the surface just appear uptight, or annoying, or mean. Excuse the cliché, but such is life: you’ll sometimes have to get to know a character in order to discover the really good stuff about them.

 

Stuff We Don’t Like:

Loose ground tiles at SFU

I don’t know if you’ve encountered these loose ground tiles, but if you haven’t, I guess you’re walking in all the right places. They can be spotted easily, but only retroactively. I have walked into quite a number of these in my undergrad career. They’re scattered about the outdoor walkways around West Mall and Convocation Mall, and when it rains, they fill with cold, cold water. I don’t know how the tiles get loose, but they crack and become slanted, and when stepped on at just the right angle (an angle I seem to always find), they will splash murky water up onto your pants and shoes. Worse yet, they get your socks wet. Watch the heck out for them.

Long story short: SFU is more beautiful than you think

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Image credit Tiffany Chan

By: Jennifer Low

When I first applied to SFU, I thought the school’s mascot was a bulldog. It was the general consensus amongst those of my friends who were already attending, and it seemed more likely to be a school mascot than Terry Fox. It was only when I had been attending university for two months that I finally got curious enough to Google my new school mascot. “What do you mean your mascot’s name is McFogg the Dog?” I heard from my Thunderbird relatives, and how could I not agree that we were just asking to be picked on as a clan of kilt wearing, moustached Scottish terriers.

In my two years of university, I’ve almost never heard anyone say anything positive about SFU. It’s slander day in and day out, and the most troubling thing? It’s always SFU students who are dishing out the negativity. “SFU is a prison,” they say. “What are you in here for?” But really, it’s hypocritical to complain about a lack of school community when you make no effort to build one.

I used to be like that. When others asked me what the greatest thing about attending SFU was, I always gave some half-joking answer about never having to walk through the rain to get to class, and then fell silent. It was that silence that made me wonder why I had nothing else to say.

Perhaps I had contributed to the jokes about SFU’s concrete structures and twisty, dark hallways, but I honestly never thought of SFU as a bad place. It wasn’t always a dismal, cloudy institution that was practically a ghost town after 4 p.m., but it wasn’t always the glossy front cover of a university advertisement either. It was just somewhere I had to be almost every day for the next few years.

One afternoon, I was walking through the Academic Quadrangle courtyard on the Burnaby campus, just feet from the reflecting pool, on my way to the bus stop. With barely a cloud in sight and the sun glistening against the smooth glassy surface of the water, I had no choice but to stop, take in the crisp mountain air, and look around. I would like to say that this moment was like a scene from a Hollywood movie where I, the main character, had a sudden epiphany that made me change my entire perspective, but alas reality does not deliver on such philosophical moments of enlightenment. In that moment, standing in the AQ Courtyard, I simply wondered how I had walked through the area so many times without stopping to look.

Someone once told me that Los Angeles is the ugliest city: a concrete jungle suffering beneath the sheer weight of its population or from a lack of urban planning, whose one redeeming quality is that it has the most beautiful places. I have come to realize that this is also true of SFU.

Perhaps the discovery of my school pride was only profound because the epiphany didn’t hit me like a bolt of lightning and instead took weeks. From that moment, as the days wore on, I found that every once in a while I would stop and find a scene of remarkable beauty. SFU was not just some ugly piece of concrete: I just hadn’t been paying attention.

Take the walk through the Trottier Observatory and Science Courtyard, for example. It is nothing short of picturesque. Convocation Mall, set aglow with lights and wreaths around Christmas time, is one of my favourite places. Despite the stress of exams, it makes me smile to see groups of SFU students huddled together, caring for that poor soul who has back-to-back exams by bringing them hot chocolate or offering them a free Christmas snack. Another place I love is a window in the depths of Robert C. Brown Hall where you can take a perfect picture of the snowfall that Burnaby Mountain is known for without having to step out in the cold.  

My favourite place by far has to be the rooftop in West Mall, where no matter the weather I can always seem to see both the mountains and the city skyline. That rooftop will always hold special meaning for me as I stumbled across this beautiful place on my first day at SFU, when not even Google Maps knew where I was going. A friend and I snapped a picture on top of that roof and swore that the day we graduated we would return to recreate the photo.

When that happens, I don’t want to be a prisoner desperate to escape the confines of the concrete walls, but someone who is proud to have called SFU home during the course of their degree. Someone who found beauty in a place that is written off for its foreboding exterior.

People still laugh when they hear the name of my school mascot and I still enjoy the occasional joke poking fun at SFU’s architecture, but when anyone asks me what is great about SFU, I am never at a loss for words.

How to write a YouTube comment

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Image courtesy of Youtube

By: Gene Cole

It’s a normal night. You’ve gotten home from a long day of dull lectures and uncomfortably silent tutorials, and haven’t spoken to anyone all day. Most nights you may be too tired to do more than chuckle at your YouTube videos deep into the night, but sometimes you need more in your night to feel fulfilled. Thankfully, for those who like to multitask, there’s a social warzone known as the “Comments Section” below most of your favorite videos where nearly anything goes. But if you dare to enter this text-based hellscape (be it from boredom or an intense passion for your favourite content creator) it’s important to be efficient and effective, and hopefully this guide can be a perfect framework for your poorly-worded ramblings.

TIP #1: Bring up an old meme
There’s nothing people love more than dated Internet references which are barely related to the content they’re watching. Between reaction images, your addiction to your Twitter timeline, and the comfort you get from RIP Vine compilations, you just can’t help it. The people NEED to know what is in your head, making you laugh for personal (and hard-to-relate-to) reasons. Or you might be thinking of an old meme from a YouTuber, and need to share how good your memory is of their semi-viral funny scream during an unboxing video from two years back. This also lets all newcomers know that they aren’t welcome to share thoughts or ask questions because they’ll immediately feel alienated. This will leave you and your like-minded commenters safe and distant from all the casual trash that came here from the Trending page.

 

TIP #2: Offer up some unsolicited advice
Are you ever watching a Let’s Play and suddenly feel the need to yell at the screen about how it took them two hours to do something you did in five minutes while you were a toddler? Or maybe they’re mixing the batter in a cooking tutorial in a way that would ruin the texture. Either way, these people should be perfect professionals at everything they do, and even when they don’t seem to want it, it’s important to force every suggestion towards them. While they may not ever read your advice or improve, this kind of comment will allow you to feel like you have some degree of control over these pre-recorded videos. Your stupid and annoying voice must be heard, and it is sure to help the YouTuber’s self-esteem to know that they’re so incompetent in making the content that you’re already watching and being entertained by.

 

TIP #3: Ask about different, unrelated content
If you find that the video auto-playing at 2 a.m. just isn’t your favourite YouTuber’s best work, you should feel free to show your raw desire for what you’d rather be watching. Maybe it was a cancelled recurring segment, or maybe you miss an old partner that left the channel due to legal drama. The context doesn’t matter, and the place that will definitely make your favourite segment come back is the mass of generic statements below an unrelated video. The YouTuber may never read it, or possibly gets their viewer data from much more reliable and tolerable sources . . .  but who has time to fill out surveys or send a polite email.

 

TIP #4: Never read the other comments
The biggest challenge in making use of a comment section is that there are many functions that may seem important. These can include the “like” button that lets you boost a post you agree with, “dislike” buttons that let you express disapproval of posts, and reply buttons for each individual comment. It’s important to ignore all of these and just put down your own thoughts in a vacuous statement, as the other functions and the other people in that section simply don’t matter. You must make your version of a previously stated point heard, as a statement from these like-minded commenters is definitely somehow not as correct or helpful as you are.

The best way to save frogs and snowboarders

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The Oregon spotted frog is Canada’s most endangered amphibian. (Photo courtesy of Reptile Park)

By: Agnetha de Sa

 

Saving endangered species on a budget

The best method to recover Canada’s endangered amphibian, the Oregon spotted frog, is captive breeding, according to SFU researchers.

SFU ecologists Amanda Kissel and Wendy Palen worked with the BC Ministry of Environment conservation specialist Purnima Govindarajulu and created a cost-benefit model to study different methods that would help remove the species from the endangered list. By analyzing various “last-resort recovery methods,” Kissel, Palen, and Govindarajulu found that captive breeding was the most cost-effective recovery method.

Captive breeding involves breeding females that are held in captivity and releasing their offspring into the wild, whereas the other method studied, known as head-starting, involves collecting eggs from the wild, growing them in captivity, and then re-releasing them into the wild. Kissel, Palen and Govindarajulu learned that for every $100,000 invested, head-starting lowered the extinction risk by 2% while captive breeding reduced the risk by almost 4%.

As these approaches are the last-resort methods for extinction prevention, the full range of negative impacts are unknown, but as decisions surrounding how to recover endangered species are made quickly, Kissel, Palen, and Govindarajulu hope that their findings will provide a framework for other recovery teams tasked with saving a species from “blinking out of existence.”

 

Studying avalanche risk management with GPS

SFU’s avalanche expert Pascal Haegeli is hoping to make the “mountains safer for backcountry enthusiasts,” according to SFU’s Issues & Experts.

Haegeli and his research team are equipping Western Canada’s commercial backcountry guides in Revelstoke, Terrace, and Whistler with GPS devices so as to gain a better understanding of avalanche risk management. The operational knowledge of the experienced guides will be collected via the GPS devices, enabling better and more efficient training of future guides.

Annually, avalanches kill around 13 people, with most of the deaths occurring in BC and Alberta. Avalanche victims are not necessarily backcountry recreationalists, as avalanches can cause hazards in traffic and threaten utility lines and resources.

Haegeli is SFU’s industrial research chair in Avalanche Risk Management, and has been receiving support for his research from SFU, National Sciences and Engineering Research Council of Canada, Avalanche Canada, and Avalanche Canada Foundation.

Clan pull off huge 79–77 win over Western Washington

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Tayla Jackson's 19 points and late block were huge in the victory. (Photo courtesy of SFU Athletics)

On Tuesday night, the SFU women’s basketball team won possibly the most exciting game of the season so far. Not only was it a tightly competitive game, but it also had huge implications on who will make the playoffs, with only one more game to go for both teams. The Clan came into this one just one game behind the then-sixth-placed Western Washington University (WWU) Vikings in the Great Northwest Athletic Conference (GNAC), with the top six teams making the GNAC Championships. The teams are now tied for sixth place at 8–11, with the Clan holding the season series, and will both be playing must win games to end the season.

While the Clan struggled out of the gate, they bounced back in the first quarter to take the lead heading into the second. They then began to pull ahead, holding a double-digit lead for much of the second quarter, before a three-pointer by Claudia Hart gave the home side a 13-point lead heading into halftime.

Sophie Swant played a great first half for SFU with 10 points and three assists heading into the break. For Western Washington, Anna Schwecke did all she could to keep her team in the game, leading the game with 14 points, more than half of her team’s combined points.

The second half is when the playoff intensity really started to build.

After being down by as much as 16 points in the early third quarter, Western Washington responded with a 13–0 run to cut the deficit to three. This would be a major turning point in the game, as the teams battled back and forth for the rest of the third quarter before the Clan took a 57–52 lead into the final frame.

In the fourth, the Clan maintained a seven-point lead with under two minutes to go, before things got really interesting. Switching to a full court press, WWU was able to score seven straight points, cutting SFU’s lead to one with 54 seconds left in the game. After a timeout by SFU, Swant was fouled, giving her an opportunity to give the Clan a three-point lead. Swant is the best free throw shooter in the entire GNAC, and was 103–113 in free throws heading into the game.

She missed both.

This set up an opportunity for Western Washington to win the game. On the ensuing possession, however, Tayla Jackson came up huge for the Simon Fraser, blocking Gracie Castaneda’s layup attempt, and securing the rebound with six seconds left. A free throw from Jessica Jones would then make the score 79–77, give SFU the win, and save their playoff aspirations.

SFU had four players in double digits: Jackson (19), Tayler Drynan (16), Swant (15), and Jones (10). Jackson led the game in blocks with two, including the huge block to save the victory.

For WWU, Schwecke had a career-high 28 points, shooting an impressive 13–17 from the field.

With the win, the Clan is now 8–11 in GNAC play this season. Simon Fraser University will next host Montana State University Billings (MSUB) on Thursday night, in what is as must-win of a game without it technically being a must-win. A win puts the Clan in a great position to finish as the sixth seed, while a loss leaves the door open for Western Washington (8–11), Concordia (7–11), and Western Oregon (7–11), the latter two having two games left to play. MSUB is 11–7 in GNAC play, good for fourth in the GNAC. Tipoff is at 7 p.m.

SFSS ELECTION HOW-TO: The candidate debates

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Written by Corbett Gildersleve, Alumnus

You’ve built your team, made your posters, and you’ve been campaigning your heart out. What comes next is the Burnaby debate, which will be the only debate occurring this election. Let’s go over the history of the debates, what they’re all about, and how you can succeed in this election with this year’s debate in mind.

For years, the debates have struggled to capture the average student’s attention, and you can’t solely blame student apathy. My first experience with the debates was in the spring of 2015, when I ran for the Applied Sciences Representative position.

The first one was at the Vancouver campus debate, held in Harbour Center 2270. The only attendees were candidates and their friends, and even then only about half the candidates actually attended. Even so, it was useful for a newbie like me to get some practice making my pitch and answering a few questions. The second debate, held in the Mezzanine at Surrey campus, was a little bit better, with more candidates attending. But little interest was paid by students, even though it was out in the open.

Burnaby was the “big one” split up over two days: one for the at-large and faculty reps, and one for the executives.

You can view the executive debates on the SFSS’s YouTube channel, but that year saw some technical issues in video recording. If you watch the Vancouver debate recording, most of my section got cut out and I’m not sure why. Future election cycles had similar issues. Some of the debates were livestreamed, and only the 2017 spring election debates are on Youtube.

Both 2016 and 2017 saw changes to the debate schedules. Last year’s debates happened particularly early on the timeline; Burnaby’s occurred only a few days after the campaign period started, and Surrey’s was held the following day. Vancouver’s got cut entirely, allegedly due to its historically low turnout. The reasons for this might range from the Independent Electoral Commission (IEC) team being selected later than normal, to a lack of training materials and funding to pay for the commissioners’ time, to deficient advertising.

What does all of that have to do with prepping for the upcoming debate? Because of their low student turnout, the debates often are only useful for sizing up other candidates and seeing who you might be working with. However, while the debates are kind of useless as a means to market yourself to voters, you still need to make a good showing. That involves attending the debate, presenting yourself well, making solid criticism of your opponents’ platforms, and defending your own — just like you would need to do at the board and committee tables.

Even if most students don’t come to watch, there will still be board members, other candidates, and their friends in attendance. If you don’t know the job you’re running for well enough, or understand why your ideas might cost too much, then they will call you out on it during the debates.

It’s possible that this won’t matter at first, since so few students attend the debates. But if you manage to win after a poor showing, it will affect your interactions with other board members for at least the first term. It’s a lot easier to work with people if there is mutual respect.

The last few debates were lacklustre due to the debate schedule and candidates not submitting their platforms on time. In some cases, like in 2017, it was due to the unexpectedly early debate schedule. In others, it was because of political strategy: you can’t be attacked on your ideas if no one knows them!

As a candidate, you should be calling out that kind of political cowardice hard. After all, those who fail to submit platforms on time can and do  still attend the debates and campaign. A lack of a platform just means it’s not on the IEC website, making it difficult to contradict or argue against. Another related issue is creating social media campaign pages and then not answering platform questions; some guilty parties on the current board know who they are.

This election will also be the first one to fall under the new elections policies. Staff will be in charge for planning and running the debates, with the IEC moderating. It might functionally be better, but I disagree with taking away student opportunities to do this work, especially since this is part of the process for selecting the new bosses of the SFSS.

RELATED:The Independent Electoral Commission: independent no more?

 

I would have preferred a more comprehensive training system for the IEC commissioners, instead of SFSS staff taking over core parts of the election system. The goal should be finding ways to expand the debates, reach and attract more students, and involve them in the process.

Furthermore, there will only be one set of debates, and since the whole reason for changing the policy was low turnout at Surrey and Vancouver, that set will almost certainly be in Burnaby. Shrinking the debates down to just Burnaby campus, even in an attempt to retool it, doesn’t help with our relationship with Surrey and Vancouver students. We already have enough of a Burnaby bias. Why add to it?

While the debates have been a little rocky recently, and not many students get involved, it’s still important to attend and present your position well. This will help later down the road while working with other Board members and defending your points at the board table. However, this election’s debate will be a bit different, so you’ll need to prepare more than in past years, where you could use the Vancouver and Surrey debates to practice. Good luck!

Things millenials have killed

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Illustration by Emma Wu

In 2017, millennials were accused of killing basically everything. From diamonds, to marriage, to Hooters (wow, God forbid we would rather women not be objectified), to the oil industry, to motorcycles, millennials have killed a lot of places/things/industries that should’ve met their demise ages ago. Now, if we haven’t already ruined all things baby boomers enjoy, here is a list of some more bullshit we have a grudge with.

  1. Community bake sales

OK SUSAN, we get that you have deep-seated daughter issues (you’re constantly reminding her of what a failure she is for not wanting to pursue a degree in neuroscience.) However, organizing a community bake sale is NOT the way to go. Listen, you’re pandering to broke 20-something-year-olds who’d rather spend that $5 on some cheap weed. No one gives a fuck that you’ve “wasted” your entire weekend baking brownies with the highest quality cocoa. You brought that onto yourself. Millennials want many things — sex, free textbooks, a will to live — but your overpriced oatmeal raisin cookies are not one of them. If you truly want to show the world what an amazing mom you are, pay some of our damn tuition.  

  1. Happiness

Have you ever met a millennial who isn’t depressed? I haven’t. With all of the baby boomers breathing down our necks, houses we can’t afford, and people who don’t love us back, it’s hard to not feel like you’re a piece of shit. The last time any of us experienced happiness was when we found out how to remove that U2 album off our iPhones. Between crippling anxiety, depression, and self-hatred, who has time to be happy? I mean, it’s not like it gets us anywhere. We’re expected to be more productive members of society, whatever that means. I’ll embrace my daily tear-stained face, thank you very much.

  1. Cable TV

There are approximately 20-something channels on TV, and like . . . three worth watching. Cable is as outdated as that cardigan from high school with puke stains you refuse to throw out. Why pay $30 to watch home improvement shows and the occasional lifetime movie about some athlete when you can bum a friend’s Netflix and not pay a cent? I mean, the majority of millennials only paid for cable to watch someone’s innovative spoon fork straw chopstick hybrid get rejected on Shark Tank anyways.

  1. Fuck Bois™

Dear Tom/Alan/Peter/Patrick/John, for the love of your never-ending amount of polo shirts, can you SHUT your crusty ass up about how hard your life is? I’m just saying, that waaay out of your league girl probably rejected you because your perfect first date is a cocktail of Netflix and not-so-subtle racism. This isn’t the 1950s anymore. Women nowadays are more than capable of telling you to fuck off. Do you really think moaning about your job at daddy’s law firm and gloating about the drugs you did at your frat party was gonna get you anywhere in life? HINT: It’s not.

  1. Ice wine

Doesn’t ice wine just scream middle-aged lady having an existential crisis to you? Who wants to pay $50 for disappointment when you can get that for free just by thinking about the price of avocados and your roommate’s ear-splitting one-night stands?

The Tiger is a gritty book that shatters reality and your perception of the world

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(Image courtesy of Vintage Canada)

By: Maxwell Gawlick

John Vaillant’s The Tiger: A True Story of Vengeance and Survival is a visceral tale of man versus nature. It flips our human-focused perspective upside-down and puts us in the tiger’s domain. Vaillant incorporates fascinating historical details into his storytelling, the combination of which will pull you into this immersive, far away — but still very real — world as if you were there in the flesh.

     The Tiger, published in 2010, follows a group of hunters tracking one of the world’s few remaining Amur tigers through a Russian forest after the tiger committed a series of brutal murders. The hunters quickly come to learn they are outmatched as they witness the tiger’s incredible feats of strength, agility, and most of all, intelligence. The novel leaves readers wondering if humans truly are the smartest and most powerful beings on this planet, and what place we have in damaging it.

     Several pages into The Tiger and you’ll forget you’re reading a book; your feet will be cold and your stomach will growl as you trudge through deep, oppressive snow in search of what will surely be your end. You’ll be left with a feeling of awe and wonder, and you’ll come to think about it years later, with snippets of Russian folklore randomly escaping your lips. You’ll come away with newfound respect, knowledge, and love for nature, as well as a healthy dose of fear.

I’d recommend The Tiger to anyone, but especially to those who are either passionate about the environment or grew up in an urban area and haven’t had much experience with nature.