In 2017, millennials were accused of killing basically everything. From diamonds, to marriage, to Hooters (wow, God forbid we would rather women not be objectified), to the oil industry, to motorcycles, millennials have killed a lot of places/things/industries that should’ve met their demise ages ago. Now, if we haven’t already ruined all things baby boomers enjoy, here is a list of some more bullshit we have a grudge with.
- Community bake sales
OK SUSAN, we get that you have deep-seated daughter issues (you’re constantly reminding her of what a failure she is for not wanting to pursue a degree in neuroscience.) However, organizing a community bake sale is NOT the way to go. Listen, you’re pandering to broke 20-something-year-olds who’d rather spend that $5 on some cheap weed. No one gives a fuck that you’ve “wasted” your entire weekend baking brownies with the highest quality cocoa. You brought that onto yourself. Millennials want many things — sex, free textbooks, a will to live — but your overpriced oatmeal raisin cookies are not one of them. If you truly want to show the world what an amazing mom you are, pay some of our damn tuition.
- Happiness
Have you ever met a millennial who isn’t depressed? I haven’t. With all of the baby boomers breathing down our necks, houses we can’t afford, and people who don’t love us back, it’s hard to not feel like you’re a piece of shit. The last time any of us experienced happiness was when we found out how to remove that U2 album off our iPhones. Between crippling anxiety, depression, and self-hatred, who has time to be happy? I mean, it’s not like it gets us anywhere. We’re expected to be more productive members of society, whatever that means. I’ll embrace my daily tear-stained face, thank you very much.
- Cable TV
There are approximately 20-something channels on TV, and like . . . three worth watching. Cable is as outdated as that cardigan from high school with puke stains you refuse to throw out. Why pay $30 to watch home improvement shows and the occasional lifetime movie about some athlete when you can bum a friend’s Netflix and not pay a cent? I mean, the majority of millennials only paid for cable to watch someone’s innovative spoon fork straw chopstick hybrid get rejected on Shark Tank anyways.
- Fuck Bois™
Dear Tom/Alan/Peter/Patrick/John, for the love of your never-ending amount of polo shirts, can you SHUT your crusty ass up about how hard your life is? I’m just saying, that waaay out of your league girl probably rejected you because your perfect first date is a cocktail of Netflix and not-so-subtle racism. This isn’t the 1950s anymore. Women nowadays are more than capable of telling you to fuck off. Do you really think moaning about your job at daddy’s law firm and gloating about the drugs you did at your frat party was gonna get you anywhere in life? HINT: It’s not.
- Ice wine
Doesn’t ice wine just scream middle-aged lady having an existential crisis to you? Who wants to pay $50 for disappointment when you can get that for free just by thinking about the price of avocados and your roommate’s ear-splitting one-night stands?
