By: Mason Mattu, Humour Editor

Question: What is the best way to get out of bed in the morning?

Reese, political science major: I get my roommate to pour eye drops below my eyes at such an angle that, when I rise from my slumber, the solution drips into my mouth. The taste will immediately prompt me to rinse my mouth out, thus preventing me from falling back to sleep. It preps me for the taste of tears that I experience throughout the day. If I do choose to go back to sleep, I’ve told my roommate to put hot sauce up my nose. Hence why I always get up on that first “alarm.”

Joanne, math major: Honestly? I don’t even need to wake-up at this point in my degree. When I try to close my eyes, all I can see are two different numbers on different sides of an equation sign. My body tells me there’s no solution to be found in sleeping. Oh well. 

Isha, SIAT student: I’ve trained my brain to immediately react to the sound of dishes clanking in the kitchen. Unlike me, my roommates actually make home-cooked meals for breakfast (and they don’t consume day-old burger patties like yours truly). I’m also a sleep walker, so I’ll sometimes throw all the pans out in the garbage in the middle of the night. So much for that plan. 

Dylan, history student: Expired gravy before bed. That’ll upset anybody’s stomach enough to get up. Good luck staying sleepy after those aches.

Sukhie, Beedie student: I set my alarm to the part of the blockbuster film  Titanic where the band continues to play while the boat sinks. It tenses me right up, so I wake up faster!