By: Katie Walkley, Peak Associate
Last week, world-renowned chiropractor Dr. Knot Mal-Praktis partnered with the department of kinesiology for a guest lecture titled, Lumb-ARE Ya Kidding Me? Back Health in the Era of Dank Memes. Only here for a day, she assessed the impacts of cellular devices on the spinal health of students.
“These students move as if they’re aliens impersonating a chimp impersonating a human!” she said in an exclusive after-lecture interview with The Peak. She considered this to be an emergency situation and made an irresistible offer to our readers: a list of the best places to sit on campus in exchange for my commitment to be her patient for the next ten years. In her single day on campus, she had found the spots no one else could. This was a great deal for me since I didn’t have a family doctor anyways — who knew a chiropractor would be my only choice for accessing healthcare. So, here are the spaces she found for us to sit on campus to improve our back health before we can even type WebMD.
Treat yourself to a summer vacay at the On the Beach exhibit!
We are all now well-aware that our mental health impacts our physical health, but what do we do to keep both in check? Dr. Mal-Praktis advises that to escape the despair of summer courses, students should bring their beach towels and floaties to the On the Beach exhibit near Saywell Hall so they can pretend they’re on vacation as they read academic papers on the communist hermeneutics of garden gnomes. Through the act of make-believe, students can raise their mood and their chances of healthy back posture because they won’t have their sad heads down.
Find your postural alignment in the creaky chairs in West Mall Centre (WMC)
While touring SFU, Dr. Mal-Praktis discovered the secret ergonomic genius behind those creaky chairs in WMC lecture halls. Breaking news: they have so much more purpose than simply humiliating you whenever you need to slightly adjust the way you’re sitting. With her patented seat cushion, the BS 5000, Dr. Mal-Praktis discovered that if you creak the chair to an exact angle, your spine will reach an alignment so perfect that it will reverse 20 years of spinal damage. To take advantage of this seating spot, every student will need to see Dr. Mal-Praktis to receive their very own BS 5000 and have her personally calibrate it to their spine — FOR FREE (your gift does not include the $3,000 yearly subscription fee and initial, non-refundable $300 damage deposit)!
Support your lumbar at the bottom of the AQ pond
Finally, we must consider the importance of the lumbar. Dr. Mal-Praktis informed The Peak that the koi fish at SFU have a unique evolutionary instinct that leads them to gather around large surfaces, such as the human back. This provides back support, similar to the advanced technology of the beanbag chair. However, students will need scuba equipment and waterproof laptops to take advantage of this spot. Fortunately, Dr. Mal-Prakris also sells these exact items!
Dr. Mal-Praktis says that if you don’t see immediate results, your back is probably beyond repair. But don’t worry! Dr. Mal-Praktis is the only doctor in the world who can fix your back and she conveniently has a sale going on for the month of July for 50% off on your first treatment. Her temporary office during this sale undergoes its official business in the sus meeting quarters (referring to the science undergraduate society, of course). Go quickly before she continues on her international tour!
