NHL Lockout continues, A-M, O-Z HLs thrilled
As lockout enters second month, fans increasingly desperate; smoking their own scabs
By Gary Lim
VANCOUVER — Roger’s Arena stands empty. Where there should be crowds of cheering fans clad in blue and green, instead the stands lie bare, save for the occasional showing of Dora the Explorer on Ice.
As the NHL lockout reached its seventh week, both the owners and players are feeling the pain financially, as a compromise has yet to reached. Still, it doesn’t take a genius to realize the true victims of the lockout are the fans.
But it seems that some are only crying crocodile tears. While the NHL is still in talks, other hockey leagues across the country are fast filling the void left by the hockey giant. In many parts of Canada the FHL is reluctantly growing in popularity as fans search for their puck fix. The CHL, RHL and AHL reported record attendance of their games, while smaller leagues such as the GHL, HHL and MHL are struggling to find venues large enough to hold their prospective “fans.”
“The lows to which the NHL fan base has delved to are truly staggering,” said Dr. Hedrick Woodrow, a sports scientist and behavioral psychologist. “We saw this back in the lockout of ’04–’05. Hockey is like a drug in these people who follow it game-by-game. It builds a dependence in them, and when they’re deprived of it, they may turn to unconventional and often extremely dull ways to cope, like watching the CIBC Wood Gundy Lumberjacks play the Amherst Ramblers in historic Arthur J. Leblanc arena.”
However, this push toward alternate hockey leagues by the fan base is being praised by local bars and restaurants as a “life-saver”. Leslie Duke, owner and proprietor of Duke’s Tavern on Burrard and Inlet, talked about the influx of new customers.
“I guess it’s pretty good, people are eating out more to catch these games. So we might not be getting NHL levels of business
On the mention of the NHL, several bar patrons suddenly shot up, like a lonely dog catching its reflection in a mirror, before realizing what was happening and gradually returning to their stupor.
“Plus, rowdiness is down.”
[pullquote]On the mention of the NHL, several bar patrons suddenly shot up, like a lonely dog catching its reflection in a mirror, before realizing what was happening and gradually returning to their stupor. [/pullquote]
The Peak also caught up with Doug Tyson, a 65-year-old retired mill worker watching a game at Duke’s.
“Oh yeah, it’s not bad, for sure, I mean, it’s not like the hockey we’re used to. You don’t get anything like the heart-pounding action of Game seven of the Penguins playing the ‘Nucks. But the Quad City Mallards are looking like they’re going to take Ray Miron President’s Cup, especially after taking out the Sundogs in the fir — oh god, please bring back real hockey. Please I’ll do anything. I’ll cheer for the Leafs. GO LEAFS! GO BRAD BURKE! Please — just, ju-ju, bring back hockey.”
Tyson then composed himself and went back to watching the VHS recording of the 1984 British Hockey League championship game between the Fife Flyers and the Murrayfield Racers.
Study finds shocking increase in children who are ‘just big-boned’
Shocking rise linked to children who’ll just grow into their looks
By Brad McLeod
VANCOUVER — A new study by the Canadian Medical Association has revealed that despite the rapid decline of child obesity over the past few years, a startling number of children are reportedly “just big-boned.”
According to their statistics which were gathered through interviews with young people across Canada, over half of Canadian kids labeled with obesity are actually dealing with their own specific rare bone conditions
“These findings are absolutely astonishing,” remarked Dr. Peter O’Toole, a local pediatrician. “Big bones of any kind didn’t used to be a common ailment at all, but recently I’ve been hearing from my patients about all sorts of bizarrely inflated bone densities, not only in the arms and legs, but in the face and even stomach.”
Although doctors have been mystified by the cause for these bone disorders, they have reportedly found evidence linking big bones to lack of physical activity and unhealthy eating habits.
“Since there are almost no adults who identify themselves as being ‘just big-boned,‘ our statistics show that most kids who are ‘just big boned’ actually develop into obese people,” explained one of the researchers, “but at the same time, many ‘just big-boned’ children who begin to exercise and eat well are able to shrink their bones, allowing them to become regular-boned teenagers and adults.”
Even more oddly, according the researcher, many of the patients who experience these “shrinking bones” deny ever having stated that they were big-boned in the first place.
“The findings are very strange,” continued the researcher. “It almost makes you wonder if being ‘just big-boned’ is simply an excuse for being overweight, and not the proven medical reality we all unequivocally believe.”
Despite this researcher’s doubts, the majority of Canadians are standing by the study as being completely true based on the fact that “kids never lie.”
Although researchers don’t have any answers on how to cure the “just big-boned” epidemic, the study has opened up a whole world of answers to childhood problems. The Canadian Medical Association is currently developing studies to determine whether kids dealing with anorexia are possibly “just small-boned,” and whether bulimics could be “just sick a lot.”
Petter sits down Woodward’s to talk about the about the new campus on the way
After an uncharacteristically silent dinner last Saturday night, SFU president Andrew Petter reportedly waited until bed time before sitting down with the Woodward’s campus to explain the changes that would soon be coming to the extended SFU family.
These new changes being related to the newly constructed Richmond campus.
“Now, Woodward’s, I need to talk to about something really important. No, I’ll get you a glass of water later. Get back in bed, it’s not Legos time. Goldcorp ‘Woodward’s’ Centre for Contemporary Arts! You put that down and get back here!”
Petter then went on to explain how mommy wasn’t just “getting fatter,” and what would be happening in the next few months.
“Yes, you’re going to have to share your students with your new brother or sister, and they’re going to need a lot attention during the first few years, so I might not be able to read you a president’s address every semester. ”
The downtown campus was noticeably distressed by the news, but after swallowing hard, told the president “that they were going to teach the fledgling campus how to ride bikes and do community spirit stuff, and it will so awesome.“
According to sources, afterwards Petter kissed the 130,000 square-foot SFU facility’s forehead and tucked it in.
— Gary Lim
Mitt Romney’s five adult sons form Mormon boy band
By Gary Lim
Photo by Associated Press
Startling news came out from the American Music Awards last Sunday, when the crowds of screaming teenagers were surprised with an appearance by the five sons of republican nominee Mitt Romney. Although ostensibly there to present the award for artist of the year, they shocked the crowds by announcing that they would be forming their own musical group.
Tagg, Ben, Josh, Matt and Craig Romney, the five adult sons of republican nominee Mitt Romney whose ages range from 31–42 years old, have repeatedly stated that their decision to form the man band was entirely their own, having nothing to do with their father’s presidential aspirations.
The newly formed musical group, named Rom Direction after the first syllable of their shared family name, their choice to take their lives in a new direction, and nothing else, are already slated for several sound out stadium shows and a cross country tour in spring of 2013.
Although the group has adamantly stated that their fledgling musical careers are in no way based on their father’s campaign, leading political analysts have applauded the move on behalf of Romney, stating that it is exactly what Romney needs to bridge the growing gap between him and the growing proportion of youth voters.
The group Rom Direction is currently being managed by Starshow Productions, a private label operated by talent agent Avi Schlocum. He spoke with The Peak on the group’s goals.
“People are sick of the mamby-pamby teenage boy bands. The Backstreet Boys, N-Sync, One Dir — Hanson. Fads. Rom Direction, now they have staying power, they’re a band whose records you can pull out in 20 years and not cringe. People don’t want any more fluff, they want something that the average 30–40-year-old, married, white male with 3–6 kids can relate to. That’s where the boys come along. ”
The siblings, who have collectively fathered 18 grandchildren for their patriarch, have each have adopted their own individual stage names and personas. For example, the eldest Romney son, Taggart, is a bad-boy who plays by his own rules, but wears his heart on his sleeve, while middle child Craig Romney is thoughtful and reserved guy. Second child Ben is a brooding loner, and Josh and Craig wouldn’t be caught dead without their trademark boogie boards.
[pullquote]The siblings, who have collectively fathered 18 grandchildren for their patriarch, have each have adopted their own individual stage names and personas.[/pullquote]
Yet despite their differences, somehow they’re able to make some “very real music that speaks to the human condition,” or so says the tagline of their first rap-soul album, Straight out of Rom-pton.
The Peak sat down with Sasha and Malia, daughters of current US president Barack Obama to get their perspective on the Romney sons’ new musical careers. “Ohmigod! Shut up! You met Rom Direction? Like all of them? Matty-matt, Craigo, J-man, Benji, notorious T-A-Double G? What were they like? Was J-man wearing the scarf I made for him?” The rest of the 45-minute interview consisted of unitelligible high-pitched squealing.
Point/Counterpoint: Society can only function through reasonable, civilized discussion vs. Fuck you!
Point: Society can only function through reasonable, civilized discussion
By Todd Pollard
Concern Citizen
Now, I might be old fashioned, but I believe that in order to maintain a healthy society we need to share and discuss our ideas in a civilized way. If we could all just give each other equal opportunity to communicate in reasonable and rational terms, I think that we wouldn’t have all the problems we’re facing today.
In this modern world, everyone seems to just want to interact with loud slogans and meaningless rhetoric. Debates these days are nothing more than incoherent chants like “we shall overcome” or “my body, my choice,” and then nothing changes. Back in my time, we used to really discuss the issues, and no decisions were made until the voice of every single white man was heard.
Even giant international conflicts could be solved if countries would just stop all the name-calling and actually talked out their issues politely. Why are Israel and Palestine even fighting? I mean, there must be some common ground between them. Now, I don’t claim to have all the answers or anything; far from it. But that’s what’s great about having civilized discussions.
I’m just one voice whose ideas can be built upon by other members of the community until our society is made better, but it can only happen if our discussions stay civil. There’s no telling what humanity can do if we all communicate in a polite, intelligent manner.
Fuck You!
By Anonymous
Internet Toughguys
Hey fuckface, go fuck yourself, you fucking dumb . . . fuck.
Your entire argument was bullshit. Why the hell should anyone listen to you? You think you know everything? Who fucking cares what “Todd Pollard: Concerned Citizen” thinks about anything. You’re not important. You’re not qualified to have an opinion.
People really should be reading what I have to say. I’m Anonymous: I could be anyone, like the president or an astronaut or something. You’re just some asshole who wants “reasonable and civilized discussion,” well you know what? That’s never going to happen . . . at least not as long as the fucking Jews and Lizard Men are controlling the world.
Do you really think that one person stating an idea and then another person responding to it is ever going to solve problems? No one is ever going to waste their time with that point / counterpoint shit. You seriously think that anyone will actually take time out of their day to respond to your stupid thoughts? No way is anyone that fucking pathetic. And not everyone even deserves to have an equal voice. I mean why should someone who actually has a pretty valid argument be treated with the same value as some clueless, moronic lunatic?
Anyways, in conclusion: you’re wrong about everything, you’re a total loser that everyone hates, 9/11 never happened (it was filmed in a Hollywood studio) and . . . fuck you.
By Brad McLeod
