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Boeing Boeing takes flight

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The Arts Club’s current production is a steady stream of laughs

By Andrew Zuliani
Photo courtesy of David Cooper

Men make plans and the gods laugh, and no hubris goes unpunished. The hero of Boeing Boeing, a hysterical comedy currently on stage at the Arts Club, does not seem well acquainted with this theological tenet — or, for that matter, any dictum of the Lord. His morals are of a decidedly flexible sort, allowing him to string along a trio of adoring fiancées with a clear conscience and a light heart.

Before we brand him as a moral heretic, however, let us note: like his more pious fellow man, his earthly actions are guided by a “good book,” in the dog-eared pages of which he finds guidance through his darkest hours. What matters if this book is not a bible but a dictionary- sized international airline schedule? This book is truly good. Vital, even.

The weighty tome must be consulted as regularly as that of any devout lamb wending his way through life, if not with even more diligence. You see, all three of the future (but not really) Mrs. Bernards are airline stewardesses. Enter the punishment of the airline gods, taking the form of a heralded newer and faster plane. This sleek new jet is to be the fastest yet, a vessel capable of whipping the three unwitting paramours off on their duties and back to Bernard’s apartment with, and especially for the playboy, gut-wrenching speed. His intricate system, maintained with a well-thumbed business agenda and the help of a begrudgingly dedicated housemaid, seems on the verge of collapse.

The private bubbles of romance he inflates around each woman risk rupture, or worse, combination. The play begins, and what the audience of Boeing Boeing takes in is the hysterics of a man whose delicately woven schemes threaten to come undone and trap their owner in sticky threads.

And all of this celestial chaos takes place in a single apartment room. The architect’s den is swank as only a Parisian flat in the 60s can be; the furniture is poshly uninhabitable, the bar stocked with Campari. It is a small set, a living room with a series of doors at the back wall, but at no point during the play does the stage feel cramped or lacking.

In fact, it feels the opposite — as the apartment’s traffic lays complex patterns from door, to bar, to couch, to phone, the set seems to expand to the size of the city and gathers the complexity of a nautical map. If a particular character approaches a particular door, the audience is paralyzed. A knock on another is enough to leave us all gasping with laughter.

And there are laughs a-plenty. The characters are vivid and instantly recognizable: Bernard is the playboy man-child, the lad who never grew up to learn that women of flesh and blood pack more punch than those printed on paper.

His friend, Robert, is the gawky and awkward tag-along who is sucked in and out of the sturm und drang of his friend’s machinations. The trio of fiancées are walking synecdoches of their home terminals: there’s the brash, playful Gloria, as American as bubble gum and soda pop; the dramatic, lyrical, voluptuous Italian, Gabriella; and, from Germany, the brassy six-foot fugelhorn named Gretchen.

But the strongest character in the production is neither suitor nor sweetheart: it is Berthe, the exasperated maid who under her employer finds her job description notably lengthened to include such duties as the changing of photographs and stories at a moment’s notice and juggling of menus to suit each femme — pancakes and ketchup for the American, sauerkraut for the
German, but what do Italians eat? — as they rotate through the apartment.

Berthe, played by Nicole Lipman, steals the show. Her biting one-liners, delivered in a tone right on the edge of polite and patronizing, stick into the other characters like — if we may mix national metaphors — a toreador’s banderillas. And while the others wear their motives on their sleeves, or ring fingers, Berthe is pleasurably hard to read.

Many times her innermost stuff is questioned (she’s practically trampled by the one-woman blitzkrieg of Gretchen, who shows affection in the manner of Lenny from Of Mice and Men, as well as humiliated by the baseness of serving her crepes with ketchup, mon dieu) yet she troops through the chaos steadily, and with cynical determination maintains the bizarre status quo. Her pride and attachment to Bernard clangs against his casual romantic noncommittal, and it’s a fascinating sound.

That isn’t to say that her character completely transcends the stereotype of the snarky French maid. Like the three fiancees, Berthe’s personality is an embodiment of her country when boiled down to a syrupy pop culture reduction. Gretchen exchanges her v’s and w’s, giving the audience at least one bellowing vunderbar; Gloria, the drawling Yankee, is as cut-throat, morally-flexible New World as her sharp-suited suitor; and the Italian Gabriella’s hystrionics are positively operatic.

What’s remarkable is how well these cookie-cutter characters work — something that is fairly well displayed by Boeing Boeing’s five-decade stage history. Is it a simple guffaw-and-groaner? Are its characters fleshed out just enough to deliver the comedy? Is it crisply written, hilarious, and memorable? Oui, ja, and si.

Why does heritage matter?

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Local authors and historians explain why Heritage Week is important to Vancouver

By Monica Miller

Gastown and Strathcona are the areas that come to mind when someone says “historical neighbourhoods,” but civic historian and author John Atkin insists there is a lot of history and stories in vernacular buildings, not just the iconic. Atkin prefers to explore the city on foot, showing others interesting and offbeat architecture on his Walking Tours.

His appreciation for quirky houses that creak and groan, “houses that have a past life,” is evident when speaking with him, and his background in urban planning, development and architecture meld together effortlessly.

Each province celebrates Heritage Week in a different way to coincide with national Heritage Day on the third Monday in February. Communities are encouraged to celebrate heritage in partnership with other local groups and organizations, host special events, and connect in new ways to the annual theme. Heritage Week in BC is celebrated the third week of February, and each year Heritage BC determines a new theme. This year’s event falls on Feb. 18–24 with the theme “Good Neighbours: Heritage Homes and Neighbourhoods” to celebrate with community building events.

Events are planned in various communities throughout the province, and several are offered through Heritage BC, the Vancouver Heritage Foundation, and in conjunction with other historical groups in the Lower Mainland. Michael Kluckner, a local artist and author, emphasizes that the current pressure to increase density and redevelop is putting extreme pressure on Vancouver’s visual landscape. In our grandparents’ era, they lived in the same community as they worked, then 50 years ago, the W.A.C. Bennet government took the tolls off the local bridges and families could live the Fraser Valley dream and commute to downtown Vancouver. For half a century, this mentality has been pushed to a breaking point, and tolls are now returning to the local bridges.

Kluckner stresses the need for accountability to the landscape and our culture, to push for modest housing sizes in compact communities. He is attracted to the way history and landscapes intersect — how history is told by the landscape — visually more than narratively. Vancouver is rapidly expanding, and both Kluckner and Atkin question the city’s commitment to sustainability and the “Greenest City 2020” initiative in light of the rapid development and the business-minded focus of our municipal government.

“We can’t tear it down and rebuild every generation,” states Kluckner, “The city seems to want to tear one building down for every one that it builds.” He cites Van-Dusen Gardens as a prime example. He is helping to organize a weather-dependent artisan-style flashmob to raise awareness about the Education Centre tucked away in a back corner at VanDusen Gardens. “It has lovely mid-century modern architecture,” gushes Kluckner, who hopes to have a panel discussion about how this building can fit into Vancouver’s current art and cultural spaces.

With the loss of Pantages Theatre, and the recent demise of the Waldorf and Playhouse, re-imagining these significant cultural spaces is important. “We want to attract media attention and get people interested, inspired and involved in this beautiful but forgotten piece of history,” explains Kluckner. There is a connection between our heritage and our reuse of buildings environmentally.

“We can’t just build toward sustainability,” states Kluckner. Preserving and fixing up older structures will encourage sustainable environments and create heritage for future generations — “blend the old and the new as the city matures.” Atkin notes that part of the problem is that the bureaucratic process and severe building codes means that we’re not a conservation culture: “There is a lot of material going into the landfill,” Atkin explains. Unfortunately here in Vancouver, often the land value is more important than the buildings themselves, and the older buildings get demolished. If the city keeps tearing down houses that are “only” from 1910, we could have no century.

The relatively young age of the city is a factor in heritage preservation too. The first nonnative settlement in Vancouver was a mere 150 years ago, and when compared to a city such as Montreal, which is close to 400 years old, Vancouver’s heritage gets lost in this idea that we’re not an “old enough” city.

“We need to find a compromise,” Atkin affirms. Kluckner cites Seoul as a worst-case scenario; the city expanded rapidly and demolished older buildings instead of putting in the time and effort to maintain them, and has been left without any early monuments of their history.

Vancouver’s older homes and buildings don’t need to be maintained as immaculate tributes to a bygone era; Atkin feels those pristine buildings have “lost all their attitude” and reinventing and converting older buildings is more sustainable. Michael points out the example of Vancouver Specials, an architectural style of home that has experienced resurgence as young people convert and update them for a new era of families.

John leads one walking tour focusing on Vancouver Specials in the Fraserview area between Victoria Drive and Fraser Street, from 49th Avenue to Southwest Marine Drive. The whole purpose is to get people to look at and examine the neighbourhood from a different angle than they’re used to. Fraserview isn’t a commonly cited “historical” area, but with Atkin leading, tour attendees have to pay attention and observe the nuances and personality of different areas. He emphasizes that these “common” buildings are markers in our city that speak to different eras and are reminders of the past. If we don’t preserve them, they could soon disappear.

Paying homage to the neighbourhood

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the drive the peak

The Drive centers around the eccentricities of Commercial Drive

By Alicia Wrobel
Photo courtesy of Anna Williamst

Transition. Inspiration. Growth. Acceptance. These concepts are deeply meaningful to the creators of the web series The Drive. The fictional drama, created by several SFU grads, follows the lives of five young adults and their experiences living in Vancouver’s Commercial Drive neighbourhood.

The show begins with a character named Chris struggling to discover his place in the world and to find himself while living with roommates of a similar age. Producers Lindsay Drummond and Nick Hunnings insist to preserve its vibrant arts and culture scene, all while operating with a strong social conscience and an intense loyalty to its local businesses. Drummond and Hunnings both believe though, that one of the most important characters of the show is the drive itself, a place that they claim engenders a culture of acceptance.

For decades, residents of Commercial Drive have supported and looked after one another. These reasons may begin to describe why the drive is alluring to those in transitional phases of their lives. The struggles associated with this transitional phase in young adult’s lives has become an active discussion as of late — a stage that Hunnings describes as “a time where you work towards discovering what drives you.” In some ways, the show’s producers and long-time residents of Commercial Drive feel that they did not choose the neighbourhood, but that the neighbourhood chose them.

The inclusive nature of the drive means that there is a concentration of talent in the area, with an immense opportunity for growth. Drummond and Hunnings are not shy in stating that one of their main aims is to highlight the area’s “wealth of talent while looking for a way to expose it.”

Before his rise to fame and two JUNO wins, Vancouver- based musician Dan Mangan was one of these artists. Still a strong supporter of the project, he wrote the song used in the trailer for the series and says, “I like the idea of being involved in a kind of community project — or artistic project — that has to do with the place I know and love.” It’s clear that the show’s producers share the same sentiment.

Perhaps what is most enticing about the series is the representation of the neighbourhood’s community values in the characters — and creators — themselves: Drummond and Hunning are down-to-earth, passionate and welcoming. At one point during our discussion, Hunning says that if the show inspires even one person to have the courage to explore what “makes them tick,” he would be happy.

The show currently has 10 episodes written for their first season, and the creators have been fundraising in order to raise the necessary funds to film their full pilot, which has now surpassed its goal of $7,500. While some may not be familiar with the eccentricities of Commerical Drive, the web series is sure to tell a compelling story that is near and dear to the hearts of its creators, and hopefully introduce viewers to an array of talented Vancouver-based artists.

MadHouse of punk

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Burnaby’s Music MadHouse Records is a hothouse for punk history

By Tara Nykyforiak
Photo courtesy of Tara Nykyforiak

Underground and beside a rock-n-roll pub, Music Mad- House Records is truly a one of- a-kind record store with an attachment to Vancouver’s music history.

Located underneath an apartment complex at 9304 Salish Court in Burnaby, the store is unrivalled by any in the area. The original and autographed concert posters and records on its walls mark it as a musical time capsule of classic rock, punk, and metal.

Music MadHouse owner Rob Snopek experienced Vancouver’s punk scene firsthand in the late 70s and early 80s, and has established his store around the values he holds dear. Rob singlehandedly obtains the records he stocks in his store, individually labeling each with its album title, band name, press date, and genre.

Rob’s stock includes all genres of music from disco to jazz to funk, but his primary success comes from classic rock favourites such as Led Zeppelin and the Doors, punk of all varieties (UK, L.A., and Vancouver’s own), and heavy metal. My personal favourite find at Rob’s store is a picture disc of Pink Floyd’s first album The Piper at the Gates of Dawn.

I had the chance to interview Rob, always approachable and excited to share his knowledge of Vancouver’s musical past, about our city’s punk history.

What first attracted you to punk music?

Snopek: The raw music and its anti-government attitude, because it allows people to express strong emotions in their music.

How do you feel punk impacted Vancouver in the 70s and 80s?

S: It changed the attitudes people had regarding social activity. Disco was big at the time, and punk was the opposite of that. People didn’t have to pay a lot to dress up and go out, because looks weren’t the focus. You could just listen to music and drink beer and not spend a lot of money to do so. There weren’t all of these commercial and material conventions to follow, which I feel was a big draw to a lot of young people.

What sort of difficulties and challenges did these punk groups face? Did they face opposition from venues?

S: Yes, it was very difficult. They would have to play a lot of house parties in people’s basements. But there was a bar called The Smiling Buddha on Hastings Street that welcomed the punk scene. It would always be packed when bands would play, so it was a big draw for them.

Because of punk’s political expressiveness, do you think it made people feel empowered to speak out against things happening that they didn’t like?

S: The message I feel it most strongly conveyed was anti-commercialism. At that time, Vancouver was not the city it is today, and Expo hadn’t happened yet. But it was starting to really commercialize, with big business invading — McDonald’s here, McDonald’s there. Punk inspired people to move away from that and to adopt anti-material means. Concert posters would be 100 per cent hand-drawn, so there would only ever be one copy made.

There was no big money spent on music projects. For example, there was a band called No Exit that only made one record. They used a Christian recording studio that mainly worked with gospel music. They took Clash album covers and pasted their own album covers overtop of them, scratching out The Clash band name and wrote theirs over it. The quality was extremely poor because of the recording technology they used — they initially recorded it onto cassette and then transferred the music from cassette to vinyl. So overall, I think it empowered people with anticommercial attitudes.

D.O.A. is easily Vancouver’s most well-known punk export. Tell me about the band.

S: People mostly know about their member Joey “Shithead,” as he’s politically involved in Vancouver even to this day. The band’s first song, “Disco Sucks”, was out in 1978, and spoke out about that genre’s fancy and expensive clothes and material aspect. Their first album’s cover was completely hand-drawn, very punk and anti-commercial.

They played a lot of house parties and at venues around Vancouver and got to be really well known locally until they got a bit bigger, and some could say more commercial, until they eventually worked up to touring as the opening act for big commercial bands in the 80s like Bachman Turner Overdrive.

Many people I speak to don’t really know any local punk acts outside of D.O.A. Would you like to share a lesser-known band from that time?

S: Yes, I’d love to talk about The Dishrags! They were three 17-year-old girls, 1979, and punk all the way. I’m talking dirty T-shirts, torn jeans and unwashed hair. They were dubbed “The Runaways of Vancouver.” Now, they played at The Smiling Buddha and that was real rough times. There’d be beer bottles being thrown around the place and people jumping all around, so they put themselves in a rough position playing at a place like that, especially being young women in the 70s. They never made an album, only three 45s.

That sounds really empowering for other young women to have had a band like that to look up to, very independent and not afraid to have their voices heard.

S: Yeah, they didn’t take shit from anybody, these three girls really contributed to help further the expressive power women, could have.

How do you think the music scene as a whole has changed since that era up to now?

S: I think the greatest stuff in music began at the birth of rock’n’roll in the mid-50s up through to the late 70s. But then in the 80s you had people like Madonna who were very commercial and all about the money — what dress do you wear, who did your hair, whose makeup are you wearing. And it’s gotten more commercial and more image-based every year because that’s where the money is. Now, the bands who truly sit down and make music about how they feel and who they are, buying the $40 guitar and learning to really play it well, do not make it. The ones who do make it are the ones with an image, but the expression is completely lost. Real talent is no longer being able have a voice.

Side Effects may include subversion

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side effects the peak

Soderbergh’s latest turns film conventions inside out

By Will Ross
Photo courtesy of Di Bonaventura Pictures

Whether or not it’s Steven Soderbergh’s final theatrical feature, Side Effects may be his most quintessential work, the one best suited for explaining his ethos to a beginner. The title Side Effects, in fact, would be a fitting one for a career that has largely dealt in the unseen and unintended consequences of institutions. He makes anti-genre pieces that don’t demolish their conventions so much as they turn them inside out.

The plot is a work of structural gamesmanship that recalls Hitchcock at the peak of his powers, so I’d be loath to reveal too much of it. This much is safe: after four years in prison for insider trading, formerly wealthy Martin Taylor (Channing Tatum) is released from prison and rejoins his wife Emily (Rooney Mara), who is now the modest breadwinner for the couple. But Emily shows signs of depression, and after she smashes her car into a brick wall, she is introduced to psychiatrist Jonathan Banks (Jude Law). He introduces Emily to an experimental drug called Ablixa, which introduces unforeseen side effects.

The plot henceforth gets all twisty-turny, and as fun as that plot is, Side Effects isn’t really about that plot; it’s about the motives and ethics of the people inside of it. Take the film’s courtroom scene for instance: there is a shot that frames the back of a witness’s head in the lower right, and the jury is stretched across the frame. Conventionally, we would be encouraged to study the jury’s faces in order to predict their decision, but Soderbergh keeps them well out of focus; the only sharply defined thing in frame is the back of that head.

Backs of heads — and, in Mara’s case, the side of a hair-obscured face — figure often in Side Effects. They put the veil of skull and scalp between us and the thoughts of the person inside. If the second half of the film tends to upend any empathy or identification we feel for these characters, that’s part of its point: we assume too much and too simply to really comprehend.In this sense it is above all else an anti-character study, one willing to displace our expectations of each character. Indeed, the film’s success lies mostly in the hands of its formalism, and Soderbergh’s camera direction has never been so up to that task: his camera’s clinicism reveals double meanings almost shot for shot. He seems to have mastered his digital kingdom, resulting in his single best-looking, most laser-accurate film (shot and cut by Soderbergh himself under his usual pseudonyms).

Scott Z. Burns’s script is right there to match the director’s chameleonic abilities, shifting and subverting Hollywood genres and storytelling at every turn, and the cast goes all the way with their Haneke-esque performances. Law and Mara at once restrain their inner lives from the screen and leave several equally plausible characterizations on the table. We choose between them at our leisure, and then Soderbergh shows us that our assumptions may have side effects.

Peak Week – February 18, 2013

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Eats
Lost and Found Cafe has recently opened at 33 West Hastings street, and it is definitely worth checking out. The décor consists of world maps hodgepodged onto old wooden chairs and bookshelves stuffed with copies of National Geographic. Owners Kane Ryan and Salomeh Jalali have made the focal point of the cafe a sense of worldliness, demonstrated by the shelves of Indian scarves and hand-sewn wallets, collected by Ryan while living in Mumbai. Try their Thai noodle salad or homemade cinnamon bun, which was one of the best I’ve ever had.

Beats
Thursday, Feb. 21, will see Sparta and In Medias Res play at The Biltmore. American group Sparta is an amalgamation of posthardcore group members of At the Drive-In. The real show-stoppers here, though only billed as guests, are In Medias Res, Vancouver’s own experimental post-rock group. The band is one of the most lauded in the city, and has become more and more successful over the past few years after releasing their Intimacy EP and their full-length album Of What Was. Tickets are $22 at Red Cat, Zulu, Dandelion Records & Emporium, Biltmore Store and Ticketweb. This show is one not to be missed.

Theats
SFU’s Public Square presents Lunch Poems, a series of poetry readings by well-known and up and coming poets, held on the third Wednesday of every month in the Teck Gallery at Harbour Centre. This coming Wednesday, Feb. 20, Rita Wong and Juliane Okot Bitek will be sharing some of their work. Wong is the author of three books, titled Sybil unrest, forage, and monkey puzzle. Her work focuses on the relationships between contemporary poetics, social justice, ecology, and decolonization. Bitek has won several awards in Canada, the United States, and Britain, and is the author of Words in Black Cinnamon. She writes and speaks about issues of home, homeland, and diaspora. Lunch Poems at SFU will take place from 12–1, so bring your lunch!

Elites
Plan a visit to the Museum of Vancouver this coming Thursday, Feb. 21, and learn about the history of sexual satisfaction. The museum will be hosting an evening called Made to Pleasure: DIY Design and Talk with Rachel Maines. Plan on engaging in some arts and crafts, as the evening will begin with a design session in which guests will create a prototype of a vibrator from plasticine. Professionals from Standard Design (WeVibe) and Vancouver’s Womyn’s Ware Inc. will be joining Rachel Maines, who will be giving a talk on the connections between technology, culture, sex, and the law. The evening is 18+ and the cost is included in the price of admission to the museum.

Treats
Meadow Gifts and Apparel has recently made its home in Gastown at 104 Water St., and if you haven’t paid it a visit yet, this week is a good time to start. The store’s inventory has been carefully selected amongst wares from local craftsmen and artisans. Expect owl printed pillows, hand-drawn greeting cards, carved wood earrings, and boxes of triple-milled oatmeal soap. If you’re looking for a gift for a fella or lady, this is a good choice.

New Facebook app Bang With Friends celebrates its first female user

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Despite all conventional logic, a hook-up is now theoretically possible

By Colin Sharp
Photos by Mark Burnham

The social media world was stunned last Thursday after upstart Facebook app Bang With Friends announced that it finally had its first female user sign up for the app. Until that moment, the only female presence on the website had been the picture of the girl on the homepage, who refused to allow the website to use any photos of her where her face was visible. Due to the site’s unimpeachable morals, the lone female user’s identity remains anonymous. Reports suggest that she is a “solid 6,” but one member of the development team added that “she could probably pass for an 8 with a pair of oversized sunglasses.” For most men this will be satisfactory news, but for two of you out there, I’m sorry. She is your sister.

The development team behind the app is so grateful that this young woman signed up they considered sending her a thank-you card. Luckily they backed off when they realized that would confirm what most women already think about the app: it’s creepy.

Bang With Friends has garnered lots of media attention in recent weeks. The app purports to allow Facebook users of both genders to anonymously select those of their Facebook friends whom they are “down to bang.” Should two users select each other, they are each sent an email notification so they can organize the event. Presumably the event in question is awkwardly sitting on a couch until one of you says “I wish there was an app for this part.”

Of course this all remains theoretical. At this point the young woman has not selected any of her friends to bang. Currently, the only matches in the Bang With Friends database are straight dudes that picked each other as a joke with very few of these matches having actually gone on to have sex. Even though she hasn’t picked anybody, men are thrilled that a woman has finally signed up for the service. Had this continued, many men were concerned they would have to resort to more traditional forms of courtship such as sending poking or DMs on Twitter. Despite this news, the vast majority of women are still showing trepidation in signing up for the site.

“The site just doesn’t seem very fair to me,” said Ashley Bryant, a fourth-year communications major. “Unless I hear about men getting an app called “Listen-To-Me-Talk-About-My-Day With Friends” I don’t think I’ll be joining anytime soon.”

Although over 50,000 men have signed up for Bang With Friends, many of them still don’t show confidence in the success rate of the app. “I know the odds of this working are as low as winning the lottery, but I still joined,” said second-year business major Lucas Singh. “I mean, the app is completely free. I love properly dating a girl as much as anyone, but who would turn down a free lottery ticket?”

Winner of ‘Your Face on a Milk Carton’ Contest Reported Missing

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Local milk company regrets ‘unforgivable error’ of informing people about missing child

By Brad McLeod

SURREY— Popular dairy distributor, Dairyville, received some startling news this week after it was discovered that the recently announced winner of their “Get Your Face on a Milk Carton” contest hasn’t been seen in over three weeks. Billy McCreach, the 11-yearold boy that Dairyville described as having the “perfect combination of blue eyes and a tragic expression” has, unbeknownst to them, been registered as a missing child since last month.

“If we had known about this tragedy, we never would have gone on with the contest” explained Lou Rigsby, a representative for Dairyville. “We still have to take a vote on it, but if all goes to plan we will be recalling every single carton with his face on it before the end of the week.”

Although many have praised the milk company for attempting to quickly rectify the situation and do the right thing, they have also received their fair share of scrutiny from angry, lonely members of the public. “I think it’s downright terrible” said one man, presumably yelling, “They’re saying that the supple young boy on the cover of this milk carton I’ve been admiring all week is missing? And they didn’t even know about it? That’s disgusting.”

The company has also received some flak from the boy’s parents who say putting his face on the carton will put him in even greater danger. “The last thing we want is for his face to be plastered all over the city” cried McCreach’s mother Wanda, “who knows what kind of sicko might see it and want to harm our sweet, innocent missing child?”

Police are currently on the lookout for the young child, but say that the mass circulation of his likeness on a milk carton has made it extremely difficult. “We get calls every day from people saying that they’ve seen ‘the boy from the milk carton,’ ” explained Police Sgt. Bill Landowski, “and every time we have to explain to them that it’s not a missing child poster, it’s just a fun contest . . . they should really be looking for the childbased on the official description on our website, and stop wasting our time.”

While Dairyville has maintained that they believe their packaging is very clear in its display of a contest and not a missing child poster, they have expressed some additional regret in the untimely unveiling of their new slogan “Have You Seen Me?” which accompanies the photo.

“We understand why people are upset and we are doing everything in our power to correct it,” the Dairyville representative said in closing to the media. “By next week all traces of his existence on our milk cartons should be gone and the family can finally be left to search for him without the entire world having to be aware what he looks like.”

Magnitude 7.4 Harlem shake devastates Toronto

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Toe-tapping tune topples Toronto tectonically

By Gary Lim

TORONTO — A destructive 7.4 magnitude Harlem Shake has completely demolished the downtown southern Toronto. The 7.4 shake, which occurred at approximately 3:20 p.m. Sunday, was followed by three smaller aftershakes with magnitudes ranging 4.0 to 4.2

The Canadian Jive-eological Survey pinpointed the epicenter of the massive shake to University of Toronto where some student likely unwittingly triggered the shake.

The Harlem Shake, a phenomenon that only began occurring in 2013, happens when a single person dances to the tune from Harlem Shake by electronic artist Baauer. Following
30 seconds of chorus, the vicinity is immediately filled with dancers numbering dozens to thousands. Like mayflies, these dancers then proceed to rave themselves to death not stopping for food, rest or sleep. The ensuing dance party lasts for days, completely decimating the surroundings.

Although not every instance of playing the song triggers a Harlem Shake, every documented
Shake has begun with a lone person shaking their hips and the frantic beeping chorus of “Con los terroristas.” Maggie Thompson, a firstyear at U of T who was rescued from one of the collapsed buildings, recounts the horrifying experiment.

“I was in chem when it happened. The lecture hall doors were closed, but you could hear it through the doors. I don’t spend much time on the Internet. All of a sudden half-naked people were slamming into me. It was so loud and disorienting, someone in a full-body latex horse suit elbowed me in the head and I fell down. “I could see the professor, she was trying to shout something over the music. I think she was trying to — oh god, Professor Sahota. I saw her, crushed to death under a pile of gyrating torsos and pool toys. It was such carnage, raw gutwrenchingly catchy carnage. ”

Professor Jaspreet Sahota was just one of the hundreds of reportedcasualties so far, but numbers continue to climb as rescue teams are stilling pulling oddly costumed bodies from the wreckage. Such events mirror the tragedies suffered in Jakarta last month, when a massive rave-alanche demolished several villages located at the base of Mt. Wubadub. But the worst may be far from over, explains CJS seismologist, DJ Electrogoof McKruunkfresh PhD “Yo, checkkit, dis latest Harlem shake is part of a string we been tracking at the CJS. Look at the data from the latest shake,” said McKruunkfresh pointing to large seismological chart. “The correlation between our models and the measured data is mad linear. Look here the bass dropped 40 per cent in this Shake as predicted. Now I’ll be straight with you if this holds up, we could see something twice as worse in the next six months.”

Already efforts have gone out to prevent any further transmittance of the song. All YouTube videos containing the tune have been removed from the site, and electronic artist Baauer has been sentenced by the International Court of Justice at Hague to death by firing squad.

An interview with the Pope

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By Gary Lim

Pope Benedict XVI shocked the world last week when he announced that he would be stepping down as head of the Catholic Church, his reasons for doing so being a “lack of strength of the mind and body” to lead. Although since the announcement the pope has spent his time in quiet contemplation, The Peak was able to secure an interview with him through no small use of favor and grappling hooks.

Pope: So if I do this interview you agree not to publish the dark unholy secret of the
Pope-mobile.

Gary: Yeah, sure whatever.

P: Fine then, we may commence your
inter-view.

G: So Pope Benedict the XVI. . . .

P: Please just call me Benedict XVI.

G: So Benedict XVI, the question on the
world’s collective mind is “Dude, what
gives?”

P: I have told my children before; I no
longer have the strength to lead masses.
In order for the Catholic Church to stay
relevant in the modern age, we need
new blood. Someone in their young and
idealistic 60s.

G: But you yourself are only 85.

P: Yes, that is correct

G: But 85 in pope years is like being 35.
That would be like Justin Bieber retiring
now, instead of a decade from now when his
boyish good looks have been long eroded by
the sands of time and cocaine.

P: But I no longer have the strength —

G: How physically demanding could it
possibly be to be the pope? I can think of
like one workplace injury and that’s hatrelated
neck strain.

P:(Sighs) Look, can I tell you a secret”

G:I can think of no better avenue.

P: I just, I don’t want to be pope anymore,
okay? One day you’re a cardinal, the world
is your oyster. Then your “peers” elect you
pope, and at fi rst it’s great. Fast nights, days
hung-over muttering through your weekly
papal address in St. Peter’s, but then it sets
in that you’re the Pope. You spend nights
staring at the vaulted ceilings of your palace
bedroom thinking “Is this it, is this all I am?”
Look at Pope Pius XII, he was an amazing
drummer. But no one ever talks about that.
To the world he was just another pope,
another humanitarian leader. So that’s why I
cast off the hat. I didn’t want it to define me.

G: Speaking of the hat, do you get to keep it?

P: I wish. I have to return it dry cleaned
by the 15th or they keep my $300 deposit,
which I need because as I recently found
out they don’t actually pay you anything to
be the pope. I mean I noticed wasn’t getting
any paycheques, but I fi gured there were
just using direct deposit.

G: So what’s next for the papal father?

P: I was thinking of trying Judaism.

G: Oh, that’s an interesting choice.

P: Yeah I wanted to try something different
from Catholicism, but not too different, if
you get me. I’m not looking forward to the
circumcision, but the Bar Mitzvah looks like
a lot of fun. I’m just glad I’ll be fi ally able to
order a steak at TGI-Fridays.

G:Plus no more abstinence. I bet plenty
of shikshas would love to get with a former
pope.

P: You have no idea.
We high five.