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It’s fucking simple: How to NOT spray your fellow transit riders with your yucky umbrella water

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ILLUSTRATION: Victorio Lo / The Peak

By: Mason Mattu, Humour Editor

It’s 8:10 a.m. — I just woke up literally an hour ago. I’m crinkling up the aluminum foil which once carried a beautiful peanut butter and jelly sandwich. As the West Coast Express train approaches the platform at Coquitlam Central Station, I feel the wind blow against my damp hair. The train comes to a stop and people gather around one of the many doors, waiting patiently for it to open. 

I politely close my umbrella and shake off the rain, aiming the excess water onto the ground before the door opens. Eh, I get a dollop of rain on myself . . . but whatever. It’s just water. It’s all in the name of courtesy! As the door opens, the lady in front of me still has her umbrella open. As she enters the train, she shakes that umbrella up in the air and water gets all over my body. LADY. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? 

We’re not talking about a dollop anymore. This is fucking Noah’s flood. I hear sounds akin to Sue’s dramatic tantrum music on Glee. This commuter doesn’t even look back at me or signal any sign of apology — she instead cuts off another person trying to walk to the upstairs of the train. I would normally say this is war, but I’m a good Canadian. Instead of squaring up, I write angry, subpar humour articles. 

Listen, you cool cats and kittens. This is not a very posh thing to do. This is lowkey a crime against humanity. Never in a million years did I think I would have to write a fucking article on how to close your umbrella on public transit. What’s even sadder is that this now happens at least ONCE A WEEK on the West Coast Express. You business people sure do have nerve. I’ve simplified umbrella etiquette for all those who MIGHT need a little refresher.

STEP 1: ANGLE AND SHAKE 

Point umbrella down. Yes, umbrella down. This isn’t a rave — no need to put your hands in the air like you really don’t care (about your fellow passengers). Good. Now, collapse umbrella. Shake umbrella toward ground. Not up! Not sideways! Not on the baby sitting in the stroller next to you (I think the child would drown) DOWN! Good job!! You get a sticker!!

STEP 2: TIE YOUR UMBRELLA 

Wrap strap around umbrella. Buckle it, button it, fasten it, whatever your umbrella prefers. Maybe shake again. Not up! Not sideways! Not on the old lady struggling to step up to the train! Good downtown business person! 

That’s literally it. Two simple steps. I don’t know about y’all, but I’m not at all interested in getting soaking wet after making a visible effort to be dry by carrying my umbrella. 

If the lady who did this to me knew she was in the wrong, then I hope both sides of her pillow are as warm as expired clam chowder tonight. For the rest of you, I hope you now see the fucking simple solution to this problem. 

Pineapples defy new pizza permission policy

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ILLUSTRATION: Sonya Janeshewski / The Peak

By: Maya Papaya

On Friday, Burnaby witnessed its 67th protest concerning pizza purist legislation. Bill C-XX, a provincial law restricting the allowed composition of pizza configurations to cheese and meat (Section X,xx: Only animal products and byproducts may be used to garnish, decorate, or enhance a pizza), has been met with defiance by controversial ideological groups. 

Pizzerias affiliated with Big Pizza have released almost identical statements that diverse toppings no longer align with their mission statement. In the wake of this policy, all pizza permitted since late 2025 has been plain or pepperoni. Big Pizza has not responded for comment. 

“It’s absurd,” Philomena Piña told The Peak at her pineapple mega-farm. “My family has been permitted to garnish, decorate, and enhance pizza for generations. We elevate pizza from a simple food to something artisan.” The young pineapple advocate sneered while reciting a clause from the legislation written on a napkin from a pizzeria. “If I am no longer permitted on pizza, it’s perspicuous that any kind of subversion is not respected in this society. How can we call that progress?” 

Piña comes from a prominent family. Her estate is responsible for pushing pineapple-themed products into boutique grocery stores, but Piña herself has been implicated in several pizza scandals before. In 2020, she passionately promoted Swedish banana pizza from a burner TikTok account to distract from anti-pineapple groups. Now, in 2026, banana pizza has faded into irrelevance, and pineapple remains contentious in the social-culinary scene. 

The pepperoni and pineapple feud has been prominent in the press. Pepperoni gang members have been flaunting their recent popularity: just last Super Bowl, Porsche produced a commercial where their all-new 2026 Panamera had been modelled out of a six-foot-long hotdog. “Why are hotdogs associated with luxury? I’m a tropical fruit, dammit! It takes years to grow a pineapple from a seed, and the soil acidity needs to be just right. To insinuate that pizza is above me is insulting!” Piña screamed at our correspondent. When The Peak asked why she is so adamant about being included in the layperson’s meal if she is so posh, Piña shot our correspondent a peevish look. “I should be allowed to work in the pizza sector if I choose, the same way Eric Blair renamed himself George Orwell and lived among the indigent in 1920s Paris. But I really do believe I am doing pizza a service as a whole, generously improving the flavour palette.” 

Seeing Metrotown ablaze with protesters conceals the heart of the issue. In the face of spectacle, the public has been led to believe one must choose pepperoni or pineapple. “When my grandfather came to Canada, he fell in love with a pineapple,” a pepperoni gang member (anonymous for privacy) tells me. “I was alienated by people that didn’t understand me. I think people are apprehensive about new ideas, but the truth is there is perfect harmony found when sweet, tangy fruit and salty meat are put together.” 

 

SFU moves forward to leave the NCAA

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A student wearing an SFU sweatshirt turns their back to the camera as they stand in the middle of the SFU Stadium stands. The photo is solemn and expresses loss, with the key colour being red for SFU’s Red Leafs.
PHOTO: Elliott Marquis / The Peak

By: Lucaiah Smith-Miodownik, News Writer

On September 17, SFU announced that the university was considering leaving the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA), the collegiate sports governing body of which Simon Fraser is the only non-American institution. The press release drew notable pushback, garnering opposition from the SFU Student-Athlete Advisory Committee (SAAC) and the Simon Fraser Student Society (SFSS) alike.

As part of this decision, SFU commissioned an independent report led by Bob Copeland, senior vice-president of McLaren Global Sports Solutions Inc., to examine “the impacts of joining U Sports and/or other Canadian competitive frameworks.” U Sports is a governing body of university sports, with a distinct structure, rules, and philosophy from the NCAA. 

The report was delivered on November 17. Nine days later, the university released a decision: Canada’s NCAA team will move forward to rejoin U Sports in 2027, leaving behind more than 50 years of international competition. 

Copeland’s report found that “SFU projects a $20 million deficit in 2025–26 and the department [of athletics and recreation] is facing a $1 million budget cut over the next five years.” Transitioning to U Sports would result in annual savings of $1,108,798, according to the findings. Notably, $575,695 of this total would come from discontinuing men’s and women’s golf and softball, though multiple coaches commented that, even if SFU remains in the NCAA, “the department must cut varsity teams in order to be more competitive.” U Sports also does not sponsor outdoor track, meaning these teams would be cut as well.

The Peak corresponded with SAAC president Jordan Thorsen for student input on the university’s choice. “Our view was that the report was incomplete in several areas and did not represent the full picture. We addressed these shortcomings directly in our response and were confident in the arguments we put forward,” said Thorsen

In their open letter to the university, the SAAC and SFSS addressed the financial concerns mentioned above. They stated that “SFU Athletics comprises less than 1% of the university’s annual expenditure and is largely funded by the student-paid Recreation and Athletics Fee.” The letter also noted that “the university routinely manages operational expenditures and revenue activities in US dollars in research, procurement, investment, and academic partnership contexts. The financial mechanisms to manage currency exposure already exist at the institutional level.”

As well, the SAAC and SFSS response stated that “SFU has not given the department of athletics and recreation the opportunity to become more financially self-sufficient within the NCAA framework.”

Concerns regarding human rights were also explored. In February 2025, the NCAA updated its policy to include a clause that “a student-athlete assigned male at birth may not compete on a women’s team.” Alternatively, U Sports policy “allows student-athletes to compete as their sex assigned at birth or their gender identity.” The open letter noted, however, that “transgender women are barred from participating in female competitions in Alberta” and “withdrawing from the NCAA would not resolve the complexities of supporting trans athletes.”

Moving forward, Thorsen noted that the SAAC has “met with senior administration at SFU to discuss the transition process, including how to ensure adequate resources for student-athletes during what has been a difficult period for many, and to determine next steps toward a smooth and successful transition back into the U Sports framework.

“We will be working to preserve as many of the benefits of the NCAA model as possible while collaborating with the university to ensure student-athletes are positioned to succeed. 

“We hope the university will work with us to make SFU a successful athletic program, regardless of competitive affiliation.”

 — Jordan Thorsen, Student-Athlete Advisory Committee president

Premier Eby rejects further discussion on proportional representation

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David Eby speaks at a podium with a serious look on his face.
SCREENSHOT: Courtesy of @davidebybc / Instagram

By: Niveja Assalaarachchi, News Writer

In BC, the debate around adopting a different electoral system has been ongoing for two decades. To this end, the New Democratic Party (NDP) set up a legislative committee in April 2025 to examine the province’s transition from the first-past-the-post system to proportional representation

The committee was one of the many concessions that the NDP agreed to as part of their confidence and supply agreement with the BC Greens following the 2024 election results. Eby’s party achieved a narrow majority in the legislature in that election. 

However, in December 2025, the Vancouver Sun reported that Premier David Eby rejected a suggestion to “establish a peoples’ assembly on electoral reform.”

The committee, which received 1,000 submissions of public consultation, recommended the government establish a people’s assembly to look further into the matter. Eby said that he had no interest in reopening it.

The Peak spoke with Nicolas Kenny, a professor of history at SFU specializing in Canadian and BC politics, urban history, and Canadian history, to understand Eby’s decision.

Kenny pointed out that proportional representation was put forward to voters multiple times in recent years, and the latest push would have seemed excessive. The province saw public referendums on the matter in 2005, 2009, and 2018, which saw voters reject the proposal in large numbers. “There’s a sense that that file is closed, and it’s time to move on. I don’t think it’s necessarily closed for good — these things can always reappear in the future, but there doesn’t seem to be much political appetite for it right now,” he said. 

The professor also said that Eby’s decision to disregard the Green-backed proposal could indicate a shift in political priorities. “It’s a negotiating tactic with the Greens, a way to say that the issue is off the table for us, maybe there’s other things we can talk about.” He also said the rejection of proportional representation could show that the NDP government sees the Greens’ power in the legislature as “limited.”

As well, with the current trade war between Canada and the US, Kenny mentioned that the government’s focus moved away from topics like proportional representation. 

Overall, he pointed out that the reasons for rejecting proportional representation had ties to historical connections following elections: “Proportional representation is used throughout the world and in various democracies. Here in Canada, we sort of inherited the British model of parliamentary democracy, which is based on the first-past-the-post system.”

“When you’ve had a system in place for almost 200 years, it’s hard to radically change it because our system is set up this way, people understand it and are accustomed to voting this way. So, changing something that is so entrenched is gonna be a tall order for whoever decides to bring it up again in the future.”

— Nicolas Kenny, professor of history at SFU

Iranians demand democracy

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a crowd of protesters. One among them is holding a sign that reads: “We Want Regime Change in Iran.”
PHOTO: Kevin Martin Jose / Unsplash

By: Artin Safaei, SFU Student

On December 28, 2025, merchants in Tehran’s Grand Baazaar organized a strike to protest against economic instability and currency depreciation. As of January 11, 2026, there have been major protests all over Iran. In a recent escalation of violence against protestors, the government shut down almost all internet access and telephone lines — completely alienating protestors from the outside world and each other. Death tolls have increased drastically during this shutdown and while there is no precise data available, what is clear is state violence has escalated. While the protests’ roots were economic, exacerbated by US sanctions and the Iranian government’s own economic mismanagement, the streets of Iran’s cities quickly filled with Iranians demonstrating dissatisfaction with the oppressive regime’s policies. This has resulted in a reinvigoration of anti-Islamic Republic sentiment. While Iranian people are fighting in the streets for democracy, anti-democratic opposition forces have claimed leadership of these protests. 

Today, the struggle for Iranian democracy is fought on two fronts. On one side, there’s the important battle against the authoritarian, anti-democratic regime of the Islamic Republic being fought by the brave youth, women, and workers of Iran. On the other side, there’s the battle against right-wing extremism that uses nostalgia to bring about an undesirable future for Iranians: a Western-backed government with repressive policies for ethnic minorities, democratic political forces, and the working class.

The Iranian regime’s narrative that protests are being fuelled entirely by foreign forces is a fallacy. A lack of opportunities, rampant corruption, and tight control on civil liberties have been choking the younger generation to a point of revolt. Generations of Iranians have taken to the streets to bring about political change in the country several times over the past four decades. Women, while comprising approximately 72% of unemployed university graduates, find it disproportionately difficult to integrate into the labour force and other fields. This is due to the patriarchal nature of Iran’s socio-political life, partly driven by the government’s failure to alleviate disparities between men and women and materialize gender equality through policy. Workers and merchants are also unhappy as wages shrink, economic stability wanes, and purchasing power plummets daily. 

On the other hand, a joint effort by Western and diaspora media outlets has set out to impose a false ideological hegemony on the nature of protests in Iran. Outlets like Manoto, BBC Persian, Iran International, and some other media outlets in the West have been pushing Reza Pahlavi, Crown Prince of Iran’s previously toppled monarchy, as the de facto leader of the resistance movement against the Islamic Republic. Not only is this a false narrative, it also creates a false duality between monarchy and Islamic Republic that silences democratic voices.

Many Iranians and their political groups have been at the forefront of the fight against the tyranny of the Islamic Republic. Statements, from The Union of Arts Students in Azad University of Tehran, Union of Bus Drivers, and Isfahan University students explicitly reject foreign meddling and monarchy. Yet through various tactics and some real support in Iran’s diaspora population, the monarchist camp — the far-right political force against the Islamic Republic and closely tied to Israel’s genocidal state — has falsely claimed political leadership. 

While Pahlavi and his supporters are riding the wave of protests with the promises of future liberal democracy in Iran, The Emergency Booklet, a guide to post-Islamic Republic political transition in Iran published by Pahlavi’s circle, raises some troubling questions. The booklet puts Pahlavi in the centre of power in this “emergency” period of transition — with no stated end date. There will be two choices: constitutional monarchy or republican democracy. A predetermined, vague choice with no participation of the people in its framework or organization. 

Even if we disregard the shortcomings and power grabs, the idea of a constitutional monarchy such as the ones we see in Europe is a hollow idea in Iran’s context. The reason countries such as the United Kingdom have constitutional monarchies is due to a centuries-long struggle waged by democratic forces against monarchic authority. Such a government cannot be created overnight.

The only viable option for Iranians in their struggle for democracy and self-determination is the establishment of people’s agency within the country. This would create space for democratic dialogue in a post-Islamic Republic Iran. This path aligns neither with the interests of the oppressive regime currently in power, nor the Western-backed forces seeking foreign meddling and intervention. It is crucial that both Iranians and non-Iranians be vigilant against narratives being manufactured by forces that do not seek democracy and people’s power in Iran.

No, Iranians in Iran do not seek foreign intervention or bombardment; they do not invite foreign meddling back into their country, or seek a return to monarchy. 

The solution is clear: a coalition built around democracy, human rights, economic justice, and progressive principles. Through unity, Iranian democratic and anti-Monarchist forces must distinguish themselves from a movement that is not willing to hear them nor accept them. Progressives are not on the fringes of Iran’s revolutionary movement; they are only being portrayed as such. Only through unity and organization can we fight the two-front battle against right-wing extremism — whether theocratic or monarchic.

Long Story Short: I’m learning to redefine my understanding of rest

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An illustration of a person sleeping in the SUB cubicle with a mask covering their eyes. A book is hanging over the eds of the cubicle and they have a bunny pillow next to them.
ILLUSTRATION: Jiamin Bai / The Peak

By: Ella Pendlington, SFU Student

Content warning: brief mention of slavery.

I knew beginning university would be a big change. Now that I’ve finished my first semester, I wouldn’t say it’s the content that’s been the biggest challenge, but the pressure that has suddenly been put on me. I took three courses while working one to two shifts a week, and at times, this was enough for me to feel overstimulated. Yet when I looked at my peers, it felt as though I wasn’t doing enough. Perhaps they too were struggling, but just didn’t show it. 

According to Universities Canada, burnout is an experience that close to 90% of university students will encounter. Most students are worn out — mentally, physically, spiritually, or perhaps all three — yet continue to work their hardest at an unsustainable pace. Surviving on caffeine and pulling all-nighters have become the norm. We’re often so busy we forget to take the time to rest, but it’s essential for our well-being. 

Only during my recent time off did I realize just how tired I was. Tired from schoolwork, but also from all of the time I had spent worrying about the future. Family members and friends assured me university would be a place to explore, learn, take unique classes, have fun, and eventually (keyword being “eventually”) figure out your area of study. However, it feels as if there’s an expectation to have a rough plan for your future as soon as you start your first term, with people constantly asking, “What’s your major?” Meanwhile, I feel I’ve barely scratched the surface of all the subjects I can explore in the arts

When I was off school for winter break, I could spend time doing what I actually wanted to do. Taking things slower, I reconnected with myself. With no deadlines looming over me, I truly rested. 

Grind culture describes the mindset that overworking is the only path to success. When I reflect on it, I realize how much time I have spent basing my worth to what I have accomplished. The issue with this mindset is that over time you come to feel like you’re never doing enough. 

Tricia Hersey, activist, theologian, and author of Rest is Resistance: a Manifesto, explains in NPR Life Kit’s podcast that grind culture is rooted in white supremacy and capitalism. The exploitation of people for profit and the treatment of people as machines can be traced back to the Transatlantic slave trade. Hersey reflects on how her ancestors disrupted the system by slowing down production on cotton plantations. For Hersey, rest is a form of racial healing. Growing up, she was taught she had to work 10 times harder than her other classmates because, as a Black person, she’d have to navigate systemic racism.  

That’s one big takeaway from Hersey’s work, and something I’m trying to teach myself: rest isn’t something we earn. We rest “simply because it’s our divine and human right to do so,” says Hersey. Hersey is also the founder of Nap Ministry, an organization dedicated to the healing power of rest and rest as resistance. It began in 2016 when, after experiencing burnout while in seminary, working and raising her child, she held a performance art piece where strangers napped in public.

In choosing rest, we’re pushing back against an ideology that is rooted in racism and exploitation. Prioritizing relationships with family and friends, choosing to sleep rather than cram for an exam, learning and practising how to say no — these are all acts of resistance. Quiet quitting, which has to do with going to work and giving enough, but not necessarily going above and beyond, is one way people today are actively resisting capitalism in a system that expects unsustainable productivity to earn a living.

To me, rest is about connecting and reconnecting with oneself; therefore, it may look different for people.

Sleep is only one form of rest. While undoubtedly important for both our mental and physical health, rest is anything we’re truly doing for ourselves that isn’t keeping us on capitalism’s clock. Watching a favourite TV show or movie that you’ve seen multiple times but brings comfort, or putting on headphones and listening to music while going for a long walk are a few things I love to do. 

The university setting is a fast-paced environment that isn’t built for everyone to succeed. If I’m feeling the way I am one semester into my degree, I think this reflects a need to change what, arguably, is a toxic setting. According to Hersey, choosing to rest and being able to rest peacefully requires a complete culture shift. 

Not everyone has the privilege of being able to rest and take on less without consequence. Just because you choose to take the time to slow down doesn’t mean the rest of the world does. It’s also not easy to choose rest when you see others around you doing more. It’s human nature to look at others to discern if we’re doing enough. But the truth is, everyone is on their own journey, works at their own pace, and some people face more systemic barriers than others. 

Hersey teaches us that in order to reframe our understandings, we must choose to “rest through the guilt and shame” that may come up, and recognize that those feelings are evidence of our brainwashing. According to her, reclaiming rest requires a “slow uncovering, a slow mercy and grace towards yourself.” 

As a society we not only need to recognize the importance of rest, but prioritize it. Many people end up changing their majors as they progress through their degree, which is proof that we don’t always know what our futures hold. As the new year begins, I believe we all need to be more gentle with ourselves and with each other. One of the ways I’m planning to prioritize rest is to establish a reading routine, where I set aside time every night to wind down with a personal book before bed. I hope you too allow yourself to slow down and rest in whatever way you choose to do so. You deserve it.

Book club creates community through feminist literature

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ILLUSTRATION: Cliff Ebora / The Peak

By: Maya Barillas Mohan, Staff Writer

Content warning: mentions of sexual assault.

SFU’s department of gender, sexuality, and women’s studies (GSWS) concludes Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM) with community. On January 12, the GSWS book club collaborated with SFU’s Sexual Violence Support & Prevention Office (SVSPO) to discuss the novel, Bury our Bones in the Midnight Soil by V.E. Schwab

Belinda Karsen, an educator at SVSPO, told The Peak about her role in preventative and educational programming at SFU. This includes education campaigns and outreach on consent, healthy relationship boundaries, and supporting those impacted by sexualized violence. Partnering with GSWS for the first time, both enterprises overlap for outreach with the department’s book club.

Meetings are monthly, taking place downtown at the Harbour Centre building at the SFU Vancouver campus. Coordinator and GSWS masters’ alumni Yasmin Vejs Simsek contributed to the conversation that The Peak had with Karsen. Yasmin said the goal of this book club is not “huge attendance [but rather] quality conversations where every member feels heard.” A benefit of the intimacy created in this environment is the emotional security enjoyed by members as they examine taboo topics. Simsek said that discussions are “essential in educating ourselves and each other,” and Karsen articulated that discussions “normalize conversations around healthy relationships with our peers.” Simsek added that knowing others in the book club have gone through the same or similar issues creates community.

The meeting was an entryway to conversations about how to recognize and break cycles of trauma and abuse.

According to Karsen, close reading is necessary to discern between empowering narratives and romanticized ones. That can mean finely registering character development, or continued motifs and imagery as sites for interpretation towards patterns of abuse or hopeful narratives. Bones is a queer vampire novel, so Karsen suggested looking out for reinforced 2SLGBTQIA+ stereotypes

SVSPO hosts a variety of events during SAAM. The book club decides its line-up of readings semesterly on two criteria: the novel must be fiction and must lend itself to feminist analysis. When SAAM is over, the SVSPO will continue to provide free, confidential support for students.  

An assortment of tunes for a new year of listening

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PHOTO: Jessica Lewis / Pexels

By: Lucaiah Smith-Miodownik, News Writer

“Dry Heave” by Tiger Really

Tiger Really floats smooth vocals atop high-strung cords, building suspense before dropping down to a gravelly chorus. With lyrics that emulate the melody’s structure, “Dry Heave” paints a picture of struggling mortality: “I wanna live forever, is that too much to ask.” Then it hones in on the worries that lie at the heart of such a desire: “What if I’ll never be the person that I swore I’d give my everything to be?” The song perfectly encapsulates the feelings of angst and longing, woven into an undying sense of hope, no matter how futile. “I’ll waste a lifetime honey, trying to make it last.” Keep in mind that “Dry Heave” also touches on disordered eating. 

 

“Serpentine” by Wisp

Wisp’s ethereal sound works in wondrous ways, decluttering your brain in a manner which you forgot was possible. What was previously a mind filled with aimless worry is suddenly transposed with a calm sea of gentle waves, each more comforting than the last. “I’m not underwater yet, but if I were to be, you’d be the one to pull me down.” “Serpentine” tells a story of what it means to hold someone near and dear, to let their presence wash over you while knowing that they will provide oxygen the moment you slip below the surface.

 

“Tides” by The Neighbourhood

If Wisp speaks of gentle ripples, The Neighbourhood evokes a crashing swell. “We can try, but we can’t erase. We set a fire inside the waves [ . . . ] tired of fighting all the time, can we put it behind us?” “Tides” serves a sadistic disposition that reminds us of the times when we find a sense of comfort in surviving the storm, no matter how dysfunctional it may be. In moments when the human condition seemingly collapses into itself, we take comfort in lyrics like “The better, the more the pain.” Perhaps it is because “weather can always change?”

 

“Yesterday & Today” by Murs and 9th Wonder

“Yesterday & Today” emphatically delivers a simple yet everlasting creed: keep going. Murs and 9th Wonder artfully crafts a story of overcoming systemic barriers to find self-assurance and joy in the present day. With a chorus that samples William Bell’s soulful ballad “Yesterday I Lied, Today I Cried,” the rapper speaks to just how much things can change. “Yesterday I felt the most hated, I thought I couldn’t take it, they said I couldn’t make it, and today I feelin’ brand new, I got nothing to lose, I’m bout to make moves.”

YES AND CHALLENGE GOES TOO FAR?!

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ILLUSTRATION: Angela Shen / The Peak

By: Katie Walkley, Peak Associate

Hey, what’s up, tryhard nation? It’s your boy Mr. 67, your favourite YouTuber’s favourite YouTuber back with another awesome video. Man, do I have a story to tell you! 

So, it all started when I was thinking up my next YouTube challenge for Motivational Monday. I decided to take a technique from my improv days — the “yes, and . . .” — and apply it to my life to expand my horizons. I should have known this rule should never be followed to a T. Even the improv centre didn’t follow it when they kicked me out for my experimental and art nouveau ideas.

The challenge was set: For 24 hours, I had to say yes to every opportunity that came my way.

It started out simple (and at 7:00 p.m. because I have free will). I agreed to help my roommate set up her video game console. Later, when someone passed out in the grocery store and they asked if anyone was a doctor, I was there to save that woman’s life with my Grey’s Anatomy knowledge. I said yes AND! 

She didn’t make it.

Anyways, everything was going well and I felt like a hero for how I was stepping up and really taking on the world. But then I made the fatal agreement to clubbing on a Monday night. While I was dancing up a storm, a handsome man came over to me. I assumed he was drawn in by my attractive magnetism from my last 100 hour aura farming challenge video (click the link in the description to watch it!). He led me outside and I followed him through parts of Davie Street I had never seen. 

Once we reached a dead end, he turned around and told me that he had an offer I couldn’t refuse. I asked him how he knew that it was Motivational Monday. He slapped me in the face and told me I had to watch The Godfather, followed by Sátántangó in all of its (seven-hour) glory. So, I pulled out my iPad and we pirated it, probably the most illegal activity this sketchy alley had seen.

Watching this painfully slow movie was the greatest test of endurance for my “yes, and” challenge. At this point, all I wanted to do was go home and cleanse my palette with some real cinema (Lego Batman). Yet, it was only 9:07 a.m., and if Mr. 67 didn’t complete his 24-hour challenges, then who was he?

Now this next part of the story is gonna be out of control because just thinking about it gives me a secondhand high.

Once the movie was over, the handsome man took off his duster jacket and revealed to me that what I thought was makeup was actually a raccoon’s face balanced on a body made of living and dead rats. I mentally prepared myself to be asked to have sex with this abominable creature, but then he offered me something that felt like a great relief from that idea: a massive joint.

I took one hit and the last thing I saw was the raccoon man scampering off into the night. Next thing I knew, I was astrally projecting to a beautiful, far-off planet. I asked the creatures there if they had heard of my YouTube channel. I think I aggravated them because they chased me back to earth. When I turned on the news, the next morning after completely losing track of the timeline of this challenge, I saw that we had started a war with the aliens.

In my next video, I’m going to start my “no!” challenge. This new challenge will go on indefinitely and I implore you all to join me. Set boundaries! Prioritize yourself! And if someone asks if Mr. 67 had anything to do with the space wars, just say “NO!!!”

Poilievre x Trudeau: The original Heated Rivalry

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EDIT: Gudrun Wai-Gunnarsson / The Peak

By: XOXO, Pierre

April 30, 2024

Dear Diary,

Another day, another shift on Parliament Hill. During Question Period today, I dished out a flawless match against my public (and my private) heartthrob Justin Trudeau — my preordained archnemesis. Safe to say, jail-releasing Justin never saw it coming when I ambushed him with my elite, signature five-point plan of attack my interns drew up over their summer co-op.

First, I delivered a ten-minute-long lecture on #JustinFlation and how it’s to blame for the rising cost of living. I then, once again, reminded Justin of my literary genius by cycling through my snappy slogans: Trust Fund Trudeau. The Pesky Photogenic PM. Jacked Justin — wait no, hehe, that one’s reserved only for the bedroom — moving on. I reminded everyone about that one time Justin boxed shirtless in a charity match. Fun fact: he practised on me beforehand. The cherry on top was when I tore apart his Liberal policies without offering alternative solutions. Parfait. 

If I’m not prime minister by next year’s federal election, then I’ll eat my shoes. I’ll have to submit to that handsome devil. 

I have to say, though. Justin did not do too shabby either . . . He even called me out for being a spineless leader! Though he did yap on and on, and must have recruited his own team of interns because he then somehow exposed my kryptonite: immigrants and working-class Canadians

Touché, Justin. Touché

“See you at the next Question Period, Poilievre,” he whispered as he walked by my desk, winking. 

“You know where to really find me, Pierre, my pookie. At the (Rideau) Cottage . . .

I felt my cheeks go red and quickly turned away. How I yearned for his interventionist hands all over my restrictive suit (I am a social conservative after all). When I returned to my office, my stomach wouldn’t stop churning with fluttering butterflies. The corners of my mouth did a strange thing where they turned upward. Huh — is that what people called smiling? 

Big PP signing off.

January 6, 2025

Dear Diary,

Nothing’s been the same since Justin dumped me. Now I’m stuck debating the new, old dude, Carbon Tax Carney. Oh Diary, I miss the good-old days when Justin and I would spar over #AxeTheTax. Who am I without him? My therapist says I need to move on, but I can’t stop thinking about the way he’d smile at me from across the Chamber. How we would get under each other’s skins . . . Conservatives! Liberals! What does it matter? Why couldn’t we have run away into the wilderness together???

Now my failure of a party won’t get off my back and they want to put me through a leadership review? Oh, and I forgot to mention a super minor detail — Justin just announced he’s dating Katy Perry — can you believe the audacity of that backstabbing traitor!?!? What has she got that I don’t?? Six Teen Choice Awards and a ten-minute stint as an astronaut? I have a loyal fanbase of millions of adoring suburban dads and the love of Alberta! Plus, I know I have something that Katy doesn’t . . . a big . . . political career (which Justin loves). 

Why are you doing this to me, Justin? Whyyy? Come back home to me. I yearn for you. Only you.

In tears, Deflated PP.