Over 20,000 images of horrific Julia Child sex acts discovered in raid

By Gary Lim

EDMONTON — Edmonton Mounties made a massive breakthrough yesterday after a yearlong sting operation culminated in the arrest of several distributors within a known Julia Child pornography ring.

Among the arrests, an Edmonton man, Jeffery Daniels, 46, was placed into police custody after an anonymous tip resulted in the confiscation of three 1TB hard drives, each containing thousands of images and video files depicting Julia Child sex acts.

The three seized drives — which stored films including “The Art of Fine French Fucking” and “Le Cordon Blow Me”, as well as hundreds of sexually explicit images depicting the women dressed up as 1970s television chef Julia Child — will serve as evidence when Daniels stands trial in front of the Crown to be held in May. Constable of the Edmonton RCMP Claire Atwal calls the bust a victory for the rights of Julia Child fans everywhere.

“People who find enjoyment in the viewing of Julia Child pornography are often involved in online groups where members exchange pornographic images of the Peabody Award-winning author with one another. Shutting down one of these distribution hubs goes a long way toward ending the suffering of women aged 18–94 whose lifestyle involves dressing up as the award winning cordon bleu chef everyday.”

This bust follows March 14’s gut-wrenching discovery of dozens of Julia Child impersonators and impressionists locked in a barn cellar in Ft. McMurray. The women had reportedly been locked down there for weeks and were forced by their captors to act out all 76 episodes of The French Chef; some were forced to prepare upwards of three duck confit daily.

Jong Un stands tall on crumpled enemy forces; actually a pile of legos

By Gary Lim

PYONGYANG — Several waves of Taepodong-3 missiles launched from silos at the Tonghae satellite launching site annihilated major South Korean military and civilian targets late last Sunday, as imagined by North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un.

Gripping a cardboard tube with the words Tapodog[sic]-3 scrawled along the side in blue ballpoint pen, the supreme leader repeatedly blew up the cities of Sejong and Munsan, utterly devastating the enormous metropolises as indicated by Jong-Un’s cries of “Kapow!” and “Kabloosh!”
The missile’s payloads of chemical and biowarfare agents, indicated in lime green marker, proved effective in limiting the southern nation’s response capability. In the meantime, North Korean forces rallied at the border ready for full blown invasion, as Jong mUn emptied out a plastic Ziploc baggie filled with toy soldiers onto his desk.

The two-and-a-half inch tall battalion of over four dozen of the same injection-molded plastic army men quickly overtook the entire nation, seizing key strategic points of the desk lamp, stapler and pencil sharpener.

The unrelenting march of North Korean forces only paused momentarily when, after running around the room three times, the out-of-breath supreme leader of North Korea paused to eat the peanut butter and jelly sandwich left out for him by minister of the People’s Armed Forces, Kim Kyok sik.

The South Korean army appeared to be turning the tide, recapturing the capital city of Seoul and erecting blockades made from lego blocks and Popsicle sticks, hoping to delay their defeat.

That hope was dashed when Jong Un himself made an impressive appearance on the battlefield, represented by an action figure of Optimus Prime from popular children’s television franchise Transformers. Jong Un heroically destroyed the barricades by firing his arm-mounted laser blaster and flying into the fortress head first several times.
Victory for the forces of the supreme leader were nearly assured when stealth jets of the treacherous West, which Jong Un had carefully folded out of heavy paper stock, appeared off the horizon, hoping to catch the courageous North Korean forces off-guard.

But it was the Americans who were caught unaware, neglecting to take into account Jong Un’s invisible forcefield that stops all guns. Their underhanded sneak attack resulting in the crumpling of the entire fleet into a large ball.

In retribution for the attack, the 700 ft tall robotic Kim Jong-Un took hold of both American and South Korean Presidents Barack Obama and Park GeunHye, who were suddenly on the battlefield. Both were made to swear fealty to North Korea, which they hastily agreed to.
The war was over, the mantle of victory squarely on the shoulders of Jong Un, when all of a sudden aliens appeared, intent on stealing North Korea’s bountiful resourc— The intense scene came to an end when a knocking and voice from other side of his bedroom door informed him of his daily military strategy meeting.

A visibly annoyed Jong Un hastily brushed the action figures into a grocery bag and stuffed them under his bed. He then left to meet with top generals and discuss the logistics of the latest long-range missile tests.

President assures nation he knows what it’s like to be young; who the man is

By Gary Lim

ALEPPO — In a brief peace between mor tar str ikes on the nation’s largest city, Syrian president Bashir al-Assad made a televised statement last week expressed that he had hoped that the people of Syria would’ve grown out of this phase by this age.

He also expressed remorse for allowing the Syrian people to have fallen into a bad crowd of western European countries, calling it one of his great failures as a president for life. He also said that he knew the civilian population had been experimenting with democracy, and he had found the voting papers, but added that he was not mad at them for it, only disappointed.

Wistfully holding a well-worn photo of the crowds at his inauguration parade in 2000, al-Assad continued, “Look at how we used to be. Why, I remember I’d barely be one foot in and my network of informants and secret police would come rushing to door, to tell me all about what you’d done that day.You know, King Abdullah had a similar problem with the Saudis, it was like they saw the Egyptian protests on TV and suddenly it was cool and hip to demand representation in the government. But eventually they got tired of the political reform act (as well as of the beatings) and things went back to normal. I just want things to go back to normal.”

The Peak’s Syrian sister paper, The Phiek, was able to contract Moaz al-Khatib, president of the National Coalition for Opposition Forces, arranging a meeting at the local bazaar’s food court in front of the Hot Topic.

Clad in heavy eye makeup and talking over a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, alKhativ spoke of the injustices perpetrated by the Syrian government. “Al-assad has no idea what it’s like to be a Syrian citizen. Like, did you know he imposed a curfew under martial law last week? A curfew? It’s like he doesn’t know that nothing even happens in this stupid city until 10:00. Ugh.”

When asked if al-Assads remorseful broadcast had changed opinions within the rebellion. He said, “This is so like him, he’s freakin’ bipolar man. One minute he’s playing up the warm and caring dictator bit, and the next minute he’s flooding the ghettos with sarin gas. I swear, once we get our independence, we are so moving out into our own country. He just doesn’t get it. ”

At press time, when he thought no one was looking, al-Khatib pulled out his wallet to look at the same heavily worn photograph, and smiled fondly.