Cherry-picking does not equal confirmation

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June 17, 2013

By Gloria Mellesmoen

Relationships, in any construct, are social contracts with certain terms and conditions implied in their creation. The traditional “monogamous”relationship has been one that has persisted throughout the ages with certain adaptations to reflect the times.

Though pre-marital couples may not officially sign a contract, there is an implicit understanding that surrounds their existence. I like to think of this kind of relationship as adopting a template that has proven to work, for the most part, in the past.

Those who enter open relationships have examined this template and want to modify the terms and conditions to reflect what they want in a partnership. They have sat down at a bargaining table and negotiated on what their ideal relationship looks like, and determine together how each individual can best benefit from an agreement to date.

In this light, it seems strange that one would condemn the idea of an open relationship as less committed without any notion of what the involved parties have agreed to. Each couple has their own structure and accompanying guidelines that they maintain throughout the course of the relationship.

Though the contract might not reflect the societal norm, it does not mean there will be more leniency or less punishment for not complying with the terms of agreement.

Open relationships often get a negative reputation for being purely about sex, but I wholeheartedly disagree. While most couples of this nature are, to varying degrees, accepting of sexual interaction outside of the pairing, it is not the crux of their existence or the thing that breaks them. Monogamous relationships tend to put their focus on their physical aspects.

Cheating can be a concern for anyone, but those in monogamous relationships are the ones who tend to rank sleeping with another person to be the worst offense. In contrast, open relationships are often structured around the idea that emotional attachment is more important than the physical.

The priority in an open relationship is not about managing what your partner does, or does not do with their body. The traditional relationship used to assume male dominance and implied ownership over a woman, which is something our Western culture has shunned.

I think open relationships are a novel way of reflecting on the progression society has made by encouraging dialogue between individuals before entering a relationship that maximizes mutual gain.

Open relationships, just like monogamous relationships, are as unique as the people in them. Some couples prefer disclosure about sexual acts before or after, while others do not. There may be restrictions on who gets labeled as fair game; these can include or exclude mutual acquaintances. Cheating may be defined in a variety of ways. While there are many variations, there are several common elements that often accompany this breed of relationship.

An open relationship is a symbiotic one which thrives on the happiness and safety, both emotional and physical, of the parties involved. Though you may have the freedom to act on primal urges, it is done with consideration of your partner and therefore, makes sexual safety a necessity. When it comes down to it, your partner comes first. The relationship ends when you no longer give them priority.

Open relationships are just as serious as traditional ones. The terms and conditions may vary, but they are still part of a social contract. Whether one values sexual or emotional exclusivity, every relationship is a committed one.

Safe sex isn’t always an accessible option

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June 17, 2013

By Tara Nykyforiak
Photos by Vaikunthe Banerjee

The most primal and pleasure-fueled of all human acts can also be a financial burden for those involved. It’s great that so many young people today are taking proper measures to practice safe sex, so it’s unfortunate and illogical that condoms are priced the way they are. You may never have given it much thought, but the high cost of condoms does have a real impact on drug stores and the choices that couples make.

A box of my favourite condoms will run me and my partner $16.99 plus tax. This is exponentially cheaper than the cost of raising a child, but works out to be the better part of a dollar per bedroom session nonetheless. When compared to the BC minimum wage — $10.25 an hour — a box of condoms seems like a lot, because a person has to work one and half hours just to make enough to afford to have this safe sex option.

Now, it is easy as a student to get condoms for free through the health centre, but this isn’t always practical. Students such as myself in long-term relationships are in need of more than a couple condoms here and there, so this option is only realistic for those partaking in casual hookups.

Of course, there are other options. Birth control pills can be cheaper, because many Canadian university student health plans offer them at reduced costs. However, the pill is hormone based, so when a woman uses birth control pills, her natural hormone cycles are altered.

Moreover, the pill does not protect against STIs, and there is a long list of potential side effects. Yaz (a specific brand of the pill) was determined in 2011 by the Food and Drug Administration to cause a 75 percent increase risk for blood clotting. More recently, it was linked to the death of 23 Canadian women, so it’s easy to understand why birth control pills are a contraceptive measure not all women need or desire.

One can also suggest various other methods of birth control, such as a copper intrauterine device (IUD). It is good for five years, is non-hormonal, and costs between $90 to $160. This amounts to significant savings long-term; however, it does not protect against STIs, and not all women feel comfortable with having foreign objects implanted in their bodies.

So, if alternative forms of birth control are not what a woman needs or is comfortable with, the only means left for her to practice safe sex — in this case using condoms — will cost upwards of $228 a year, if her and her partner go through a box of Trojans or Durex every month. At this price, sometimes I feel like I’m being punished for being a student in a committed relationship who practices safe sex.

A study conducted by Pharmacy Practice revealed the consequences of having a high price on condoms. Of the drug stores featured in the study, up to 11.74 per cent of condoms were stolen in a given month, with the store experiencing the highest theft rates located in a university town. That’s a lot of inventory being stolen, but more importantly, is the message being conveyed: condoms are not priced as an affordable option for safe sex, especially for those in lower income brackets.

At the end of the day, the most natural, non-invasive, and most effective means of practicing safe sex are condoms, so it’s a real shame they aren’t more accessible.

Cats will forever fuck up your game

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June 17, 2013

By Will Ross

Cats are probably the worst thing that can happen to your sex life. When you first step into a strange apartment on your second, third, or eighth date, these little tyrants are often all that stands between you and a sleepless, sweaty night.

Sure, claiming to love them seems like an easy way “in,” but you’re only fooling your date, and before you know it your eyes lock with the cat. You, terrified of this threat to your self-esteem’s last hope of redemption; the cat, terrified that it will not be able to get exclusive snuggles at its whim.

You sit on the couch. You find a movie that neither of you would really mind bailing out on. You’ve slowly worked your staccato body shakes into tremors, and you’re just starting to wrap your arm around your companion when, all of a sudden, the cat jumps up and spins around and shoves its face into everything, a full-on panic mode that works every time.

A vision may then appear in your head: the cat, gracefully spinning through the air in slow motion, before bursting through a pane of glass and falling to its death. Take my advice, do it — throw it out the window. This is not in the humour section; I am telling you to kill that cat. It’s now or never!

Well, I guess tossing it off the couch works too. Hey, it looks like someone appreciates assertiveness, because here comes Hot Lips! At this point, make a mental note to watch more John Wayne movies. You stand up with her, and start walking her to her bedroom. Oops, that’s the bathroom. You let her lead this time.

Soon enough, you’re taking off each other’s clothes. You’re not even sure whose hands are doing what; if one of you disappeared, it would look like the other was playing charades. Then something furry slips against your legs. Oh no. No, no.

It turns out the patio door was open, and that fucker just decided to hop on through. Before you can say “inside cat” your quarry is knocking on the doors of neighbours in adjacent apartments while you sit in the living room to see if your nemesis comes back.

And then, it does. The cat is right there at the window, staring at you. As you look into each other’s eyes, you see something you recognize — an insatiable need for affirmation, to be affirmed, always. The both of you are clingers, manipulators, forever begging for love.

I should have John Wayned the little bastard through that window back when I had the chance.

Let’s talk about sex, baby

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June 17, 2013

By Ljudmila Petrovic
Photos by Ben-Buckley

I was recently out shopping when Bruno Mars’ “Locked Out of Heaven” came on the radio. Now, one of the lines of this song is, “your sex takes me to paradise,” except in the “radio-friendly” version, it was, “your ____ takes me to paradise.” The word “sex” was omitted as if it were offensive profanity.

Our society is notoriously over-sexualized and, while we do have sexual education and resources in schools, clearly we are not as collectively comfortable with the topic as we may think up here in our ivory towers of post-secondary.

In 2011, for example, Fifty Shades of Grey jumped to the top of bestsellers’ lists. The series has a weak plot, a shaky premise, little to no character development, and writing quality that makes The Berenstain Bears look like a Dostoyevsky novel. Why did its success soar to such ridiculous heights? Because the topics of sexuality and alternative forms of sex were suddenly open for discussion. It is only in the past few years these topics have been more or less accepted outside of Dan Savage’s fan base.

Sex education is theoretically taught in Canadian public schools throughout elementary and secondary schools. But that doesn’t mean this always plays out in practice; I, for example, didn’t get my sexual education in school until mid to late high school.

In grade five, my teacher misplaced the Why Is This Happening To Me? booklets and, through a twist of events, we had a substitute teacher and were never taught what was happening to our bodies. Luckily for me, my parents had always been meticulous in answering my questions from a young age, so I wasn’t left embarrassed and confused by my changing body. But what if — when my four year old self had asked about babies — my mother had told me about storks instead of drawing out the sperm and egg?

In 2010, then Ontario Premier, Dalton McGuinty, launched a new sex education program. Students in Grade 1 were to be taught the correct terminology for genitalia (in part as sexual abuse prevention), and in Grade three, they were to be taught about homosexuality. In Grade six, they would learn about masturbation and in Grade seven, the topics of oral and anal sex would be explored. Students would also be taught from a young age that gender is not dichotomous.

It was withdrawn almost immediately after Stop Corrupting Children (on the Canadian Values website) and other conservative and religious groups started an uproar, including a petition. Now Kathleen Wynne, who was elected as Ontario’s premier in January, is trying to bring it back. On the other hand, a 2001 National Post / Global Poll found that more than 85 per cent of parents agreed that sexual health education should be provided in schools. We’re on the right track.

Sex is present in one form or another in all animals, and it is also a factor in healthy relationships. So why is the topic still broached? It is taught in schools and there are a plethora of resources out there, but it is harder to undo the idea of a bird bringing a baby than it is to teach the truth right off the bat.

Deeming this natural act as “inappropriate” for children is short-sighted and insults children’s ability to comprehend and accept information. In fact, the taboo that is often attached to the topic of sex is a social constraint, not a natural reaction to it; instead of starting a child’s sex education in grades four or five, it should simply be a topic open for discussion.

Everything under the rainbow with Kate Reid

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June 17, 2013

By Rachel Braeuer
Illustration by Amelia Reid
Photos courtesy of Kate Reid

Local folk singer Kate Reid’s new album, Queer Across Canada, dropped two weeks ago. It’s a major departure from her usual work in that it’s an album specifically for kids. The Peak sat down with her and talked about the new album, homophobia, sex, and more.

What motivated you to write an album like Queer Across Canada for kids and LGBT families?

Part of why I wanted to do this, what was really the cementing piece, was having a conversation with [my partner] Maike’s kids. She has a boy named Ben who’s 13 now, but was a lot younger at the time, and Jessica, who is now 10. [Both] would talk about some of the stuff they faced with their peers when they said they have two moms, and other kids say “How, how is that possible? What do you mean you had two moms? How come you don’t have a daddy? How do two moms have kids?”

Ben’s answer to one of the kids was “I do have a dad, I have a donor dad.” The kids don’t understand what that means and so he had to explain. Then they start teasing him, calling names such as “donut dad,” which in grade three is pretty traumatic, to have someone call your dad a donut dad. [Another experience came from] Jessica, talking about having to make two cards for Mother’s Day and not doing that for Father’s Day, sort of deciding, “Well, who do I make a Father’s Day card for?”

Those kinds of conversations [got me] thinking, “You know, they don’t have any songs that talk about their lives, that speak to their families that they can see themselves reflected in.” All the songs for young people and kids are like, “mommy / daddy,” so I wanted to write songs for them. I wanted to give voice to their stories, and so that’s what started me on it.

So then I started thinking, “I want to interview kids growing up in queer families,” because queer kids are subjected to homophobia, but so are kids of queer families even though they might not identify as queer. That’s another strain of homophobia kids can be subjected to, so that was the impetus for the album.

In an interview with Steven Quinn from “On the Coast,” you talked about your background in education and how that factored into making the kit that comes with Queer Across Canada. What is your background in education?

In terms of my own teaching background, I got a teaching degree in 2000. I had an arts undergrad and then I got a teaching degree. I taught for about seven years full time before I became “the musician” (she laughs).

I did three years of teaching in the interior. The first year of teaching I was in the closet. I was in Midway, for fuck’s sake. Its a small freaking town, like 600 people. I’m not going to come out in this town, I was freaked out.

It was really interesting for me to date a woman who lived in another town; I would go to visit her on weekends and nobody knew about my life. I was not really integrated in the social fabric of Midway, and because I was in the closet and I didn’t really make good friends with the teachers.

In the second year, when my girlfriend and I broke up, I started dating a male gym teacher at the high school, my social life just opened up. Suddenly I didn’t have to be afraid, I didn’t have to be in the closet, and I started to talk about, you know, I did have a girlfriend, because now it was okay. Now I had the safety of being in a heterosexual relationship, so it was such an eye opener from me to go from one extreme from the other.

So then I taught for another year, afterwards took another year off and then I moved here, and I worked on the sub-list in Vancouver for about four years before quitting to try to do music full time.

A lot of your earlier work was more personal narrative or introspective. Was it hard for you to write from such a different perspective and doing a lot more interview work?

No, it wasn’t, actually. It was a lot of fun because when I was doing the interviews, it was really fascinating to hear people stories. I love the interview process — it was really cool. When I was doing it I was always looking for that little gem, that little phrase that I could turn into a song or that could be the title of a song.

For instance, “Tummy Mummy,” that was a phrase that this one particular family had used to describe the birth mother of their daughter, and that’s what I built that song around. How can you not write a song around that? It’s so cute!

Another song, “Cool Enough to Be Gay” was written because there were two mid-teen boys, and one of them was explaining how, when his parents called for a family meeting, he was worried about it and he was going to his mom’s house and was wondering, “What is this going to be about? Did someone die? Is someone getting divorced or are they getting back together? Is mom pregnant?”

On the way home, he’s trying to figure out all the possible reasons they’re going to have this big meeting for, and his thought was like, “maybe dad’s gay . . .” but sort of thought to himself “no, he’s not cool enough to be gay.” I just thought that that was the gem of the interview. That’s hilarious. It was fun. People say interesting stuff. The anecdotes . . . it was really cool to turn that into song. It was actually sort of fun, you know, I wasn’t writing about myself for once so it was a nice break.

Doing It For The Chicks’ “Ain’t No Drama Queen” talks about your experience with internalized homophobia. Did that come up for you while working on Queer Across Canada?

Yeah, it comes up for me a lot. In particular I remember writing that song because whenever I go into a studio, everytime I’ve gone in — I don’t know if I remember it in the first album because I was working with a woman, she was a lesbian, so I don’t know if that was why — but I’ve worked with two different [guys named] Adam and they were both straight, but I’d have this feeling of, “Oh, my songs are so gay. Why am I writing all of this gay stuff? All of this queer material?”

I would just have this negative thought process start happening, you know, enough with the gay stuff already, and I’m playing my songs for the first time and I’m thinking in my head: “What are they going to think about this song?” I’m worried that it’s too queer, or just not legit because it’s queer.

So, “Ain’t No Drama Queen” came up because I was having that feeling really strongly that particular week when I was in a recording studio in Toronto, and I was feeling really down on myself about it, about writing about this stuff, wondering what I was doing this for again, how many times can you sing this stuff about being queer? It turns out there’s a lot of stuff you can sing about being queer. It’s the lens that I look through, or that I write though. I find that it comes up in different ways and sometimes in really big ways and sometimes in small ways.

As I move through my life, the more I sing about it, the more I write about it, the less that stuff comes up. But I do have internalized homophobia. I mean, I do around my family. Sometimes I go home and I think, “Oh, I’m too much, I’m too out there, I’m too queer, I’m too activist, too . . . much! Too much queer already, stop it!” But when I’m with my friends, that’s what we talk about. We talk about our issues, we talk about what it’s like to be queer in the world so it feels okay.

It was kind of funny, I [was] kind of [feeling] bad because it’s the sex issue, but I really wanted to do this because I wanted queer content, but then I think, “Is it too gay? Are people going to think it’s not well related?” Everything you’re saying . . . I totally get that, but then I have to be like “fuck that.”

No, totally fuck that. Nobody ever says “oh that’s too straight.” Nobody ever says, “oh, the stuff on the radio is too heterosexual.” Well, queers are saying that, but heterosexual people don’t. And nobody ever questions if “there’s too many love songs on the radio about men and women hooking up.”

I’ve written a similar song based on a similar topic, called “Uncharted Territory,” because some of my friends on my first album said “you sing too much about being lesbian, enough already,” and I had a reviewer say that too about my music. She said something like, “there were two songs on the album that were complete duds, it was starving artist and I’d go straight for Ridley Bent”, and then she said, “Yeah, we know you’re a dyke, we get it, enough already.”

That was in the review, and I’m just like, “Fuck you!” and then I had some friends say “Well why do you sing so much about it?” Somebody has to. We have to do this and it’s important to me and it’s part of who I am, it’s my identity. Nobody ever says that to straight singers. “Why do you sing about your boyfriend all the time?” You know what I mean?

[When people ask] “Why do you have to sing queer songs? Can’t you just sing something that’s more mainstream?” [that] just means more straight or not identifying my queerness, and I get what [they’re] saying. But that’s not what I’m here to do. If I wanted to write a song like that, I would’ve fucking written it four albums ago. Enough already, people. Don’t you get it? This is what I’m doing.

There’s lots of queer artists that are making it big and some of their material is questionably queer. Do you think the music industry is actually getting more accepting, or is it just getting more marketable?

I think the first part happens first and then the second part happens. I think the music industry is finally figuring out there’s a whole ‘nother audience out there that they can service and make money from, and I think queer, obviously, is becoming more accepted and filter into the mainstream. I don’t watch TV, but I hear about shows like Modern Family, and Glee.

I mean we had Will and Grace in the 90s but I think in some ways queer is becoming a little bit trendy, maybe? And they’re figuring out how to market that because we’re different than we were 20 years ago. Not different, but out there. I guess it’s becoming more part of the mainstream, and more marketable because there’s an audience for it. Young people are out more than they were. Queer families are more visible, and I think the music business has kind of seen that’s something they can work with.

Do you get less of the “why so much gay content?” reviews now as opposed to when you first started?

I only got a few of those kind of reviews, “oh, she just happens to be a lesbian.” Most people who review my music get it. They get that it’s actually not just about being queer, they get that that’s a lens that I write through, but that I actually am a human being and I write from a human being’s perspective. I just happen to be whatever I happen to be writing from a queer place. Most reviewers are intelligent enough to understand that. There’s that one guy and that one woman who didn’t really see that.

How does humour factor into your work?

That’s where the universal human being-ness comes into my work. Yeah, I identify as being queer, as a lesbian, but I can also laugh at myself and the way I am in the world and the way the world is, and make fun of these things, and for me that was the bridge into roping in a more mainstream audience. If we have the ability to laugh at ourselves, I think that’s appealing to people no matter how we identify. For me humour was a good tool for that, I saw that as a way to bridge that between the queer community and the non-queer community.

What’s it like for you on stage when you get you first bout of laughter from the audience? Is there a difference in the way it feels?

Yeah, it makes me realize “oh, this is going to be a good show, they get it, they understand it, they’re with me,” and the times when they don’t, I just think “I have to work harder here.”

Again, off of Doing It For The Chicks, the title track was written in response to a guy’s concerns over your “lifestyle” because he was hosting a concert in his house. It seems like the unspoken concern is always that two people of the same sex are having sex. How much do you think fear over the unknown factors into responses like that when it comes to homophobia?

What I wanted to do with this album was play around people’s fears around the sex piece. It is the part that, as soon as you say you’re lesbian or gay, they automatically think about you with a same sex partner, and people think about you being in bed with that person. I think it’s just an automatic thing that happens in the brain. Whereas you talk to a woman who says my husband, people just don’t go there. We’re so used to it, but I think because of people’s fears around queernes, that’s where they automatically jump to.

It becomes the focus of people’s homophobia because they can’t imagine that that’s OK or normal, or loving, or that it’s actually OK to love somebody of the same sex. They forget that, aside from our sexual relationships and our intimate relationships, we go to work, we have kids, we have problems, we have money issues, we have communication problems, we love to go hiking — we do all these things that everybody else does, except we have same sex partners.

That’s the part of queerness that people are uncomfortable with, the sexual piece, because it’s different than what they do, or maybe it’s something they want to do but they’re too afraid to try, it taps into their own homophobia, it taps into their fantasy that they don’t want to admit to — all of those things.

What was it like working with C.R. Avery?

It was great, I think C.R. Avery is a brilliant artist. He’s a lot of fun in the studio, I love his beatboxing, I love his wordplay. A couple of times when we were just hanging out at his house, we were talking about doing a piece about bullying and the queer youth suicide stuff, and he said, “I really want to get into that issue and really do something powerful around that.” And I said that would be great, so in the studio, Adam [the bass player on Queer Across Canada] came up with this bass line, and gave it to C.R. who wrote this piece about it.

He wrote the piece for Mother’s Day / Father’s Day conundrum, which I totally love, but then he wrote this other totally separate thing about this bullying and queer youth suicide, he flipped it and made it — I think he called the song “The Drag Queen Vigilante” — about how drag queens go around killing bullies. They basically retaliate, and kill the bullies and throw them in the back of the hearse, and all of this stuff. It’s a great piece, I mean it’s amazing, but I thought,“it’s not good for a kid’s album.” I wanted to, and I thought about it, but it . . . it doesn’t work for this album. Maybe a different album, but yeah, he does some amazing stuff.

Did you approach him, or did someone suggest him for doing this?

No, I approached him. Yeah, I wanted to have him on the album. I’d been thinking about it for quite a while, and I wanted him to do a spoken word piece and some beatboxing, so yeah it was cool, and he was keen — it was great. I kept running into him in various places, like the airport, and conferences, and I was like, “I want to have you on my next album!” and so it finally came together.

The song “Ex-Junkie Boyfriend” reflects on a much younger you and the guy you were living with. Obviously you’ve changed a lot since then. If you could give the you in that song three pieces of advice, what would they be?

I don’t think I would give myself any advice, because I did exactly what I needed to be doing at the time. I don’t regret being with him. I learned a lot in that relationship about myself. He was, y’know, besides the drugs and some of the stuff, we did have some fun. He taught me a lot about living on the coast, about Vancouver, about some books that I thought were interesting and I didn’t know anything about.

I [believe] that we have to go through what we have to go through, and to go back and change something, if I could, I don’t know if I would because I needed to go through that stuff with him in order to understand what I wanted and didn’t want in my life. I always think that relationships are for learning about ourselves and about how to become better people in the world, and I was really young at the time. I was in my early 20’s. I was having fun! I wanted to do the drugs, too, sure! But it got to a point where it was like, “this is not what I want to be doing anymore.”

I learned a lot about myself, and I learned a lot about how I look to other people for my own sense of self, and that was when I was starting to realize that I was doing that in relationships with men. That it was me trying to cultivate a sense of self and some self-confidence through them not on my own, so yeah. My advice? I don’t have any for myself back then. It brought me to where I am today, it gave me a great song, and I don’t regret it.

Under lock and key

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June 17, 2013

Back in high school, my maleness often served as an all-access backstage pass to the more mercilessly misogynistic quips that my fellow classmates would share (when they were, of course, sure there were no women around). I’ve heard them all: men describing women as objects; commenting on their presumed sexual availability based on their clothing, or even their race; and recounting their sexual conquests in supremely disrespectful fashion.

The worst of all, though, were the jokes. Those who possessed the unique skill of ﬁnding humour in belittling the opposite sex would share bigoted bon mots like: “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. If a lock is opened by a bunch of keys, it’s a shitty lock.”

I was put off by these blatant expressions of sexism then, but I didn’t say much about it. Whether it was fear of exclusion or simply a lack of bravery, I often stood by silently, listening. Unfortunately I wasn’t the only one: many of my friends would later tell me that they were also offended by these hateful exchanges, but failed to speak up.

High school gossip, of course, is just one of the many ways in which women are made to feel guilty for expressing themselves sexually. There’s a historical precedent set for the shaming of women’s sexuality.

The nymphs of ancient Greek mythology set the precedent for the dangerous, sexually liberated female archetype; the term nymphomania originated during the Victorian Era to describe a woman who experienced excessive sexual desire or exhibited excessive sexual behavior. At this time, hypersexuality — as it’s now known — was seen as an exclusively female disorder, and was treated as a mental illness.

Chastity belts and accusations of witchcraft often befell sexually promiscuous women during the rigidly ecclesiastical Middle Ages. Though societal reactions loosened during the intellectual and political upheaval of the Renaissance, the sexually repressed conservatism of Queen Victoria’s reign in Great Britain quickly re-indoctrinated similarly repressive moral codes against women.

Due in part to the Industrial Revolution and the urban sprawl that resulted, men and women were made to occupy separate spheres during the Victorian Era. Men occupied the public sphere, which included businesses, economic centres and urban areas; women on the other hand, were restricted to the private sphere, which typically limited their societal roles to child-rearing and homemaking.

Though the emergence of ﬁrst wave feminism and the ‘ﬂapper’ subculture of the 20s loosened societal pressures on female sexuality, the nuclear families of the 50s quickly reinstated societal views of promiscuous women as immoral and unacceptable. The sexual revolution and second wave feminism fought back, and modern feminist movements continue to do the same, but there is still progress to be made.

In the realm of media, female sexuality is still often seen as immoral or unstable. A common trope in many contemporary films and TV shows is the archetypal femme fatale: these villainous women use their sexuality to control and seduce the men around them, not unlike the nymphs of Greek mythology.

In contrast, female love interests are often portrayed as innocent, pure and virginal. This dichotomy — often referred to as the Madonna / Whore Complex, after an antiquated Freudian psychoanalytic term — characterizes female sexuality as dangerous and female chastity as desirable.

More recently, the SlutWalk movement has inspired many to question their preconceived notions towards women and sexuality. Inspired by a 2011 Torontonian rape case in which women were advised by police not to dress “like sluts,” the movement has sought to reclaim the term ‘slut’ — historically possessing a negative connotation — and combat notions that women are responsible for being sexual assaulted because of their attire.

This is an example of what academics refer to as a rape culture: instead of using chastity belts, our modern society belittles sexually expressive women by blaming them for victimizing themselves. We teach women not to be raped, rather than teach men not to rape. Attempting to control the way that women dress and their presumed promiscuity is not only an unfair form of gender discrimination, it’s also damaging to women’s propensity for self-expression.

I wish it were as easy as saying, “Women should be able to have sex with whomever they want, just like men!” Of course, this is completely true, but to reduce the issue to a matter of equality between genders would be to ignore the oppression that women face every day for wearing revealing clothing and for refusing to play into the virginal, innocent archetype that our Western society expects of them.

Though this is a multi-faceted cultural issue with no clear solution, men can play their part in helping to reverse these negative stereotypes and conceptions of women in simple ways. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. Don’t belittle women for their sexuality — whether it be heterosexual, homosexual or otherwise — and don’t sit idly by when others do the same. Speak up, and don’t lump women into categories like ‘slut’ and ‘tease’ because of the way they decide to express themselves.

We live in a culture that shames women for wanting to enjoy one of life’s biggest joys. Everyone deserves to be able to enjoy a rewarding sex life: after all, sex is awesome. But above all, sex is an expression of love, passion, individuality and desire that should be between equals, no matter what race, sexuality or gender.

A Travelling Freak Show’s Guide to Puberty

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June 17, 2013

By Brad McLeod
Illustrations by Alex Ortega

Growing up can be a new and exciting time in the life of every boy and girl, but it can also be a strange and sometimes confusing journey. As you make the leap from childhood into adolescence you’ll probably start to become aware of a few changes.

Maybe you’ve recently noticed hair where there was no hair before, like on your upper lip, your legs or covering your entire face making you look like you have a dog’s head. Maybe you’ve heard other kids talking about contorting their bodies when they’re alone in bed at night and felt embarrassed that you didn’t understand what they were talking about. Maybe you’ve suddenly begun feeling self-conscious about your body, thinking that everyone who passes by your cage is staring or laughing at you.

Although right now you may be feeling completely alienated, as if you’re some kind of weirdo or monster or oddity, there’s no need to worry and you’re certainly not alone. You’re just beginning a process called puberty which is completely natural and absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. It’s something that almost* everyone goes through and it’s a necessary step to one day becoming a healthy, normal adult freak.

*see Thomas Bingbong, the amazing 92 year old baby

What is Puberty?

Quite simply put, puberty is the transition from being a child to being an adult. It’s the time when an adorable little elephant boy starts to become a big, strong elephant man, and a sweet little human torso girl begins to grow into a beautiful full-figured human torso lady.

When will I start Puberty?

Puberty occurs at a different time for everybody and believe it or not there is no way of knowing even approximately when it will happen. Even if you might feel inside like you’re ready to become an adult 750-pound lady, your body might have other ideas. Everyone progresses at their own pace: some kids will have a full beard by the time they’re 10 years old, while others might remain completely hairless well into their nineties.*

*see Thomas Bingbong, the amazing 92 year old baby

What happens during Puberty?

No two people go through puberty in the same way. Even some conjoined twins have been known to end up looking nothing like their malnourished, dying sibling! Nevertheless, here are a few things you might have to look forward to . . .

Body Changes:

As you physically mature, you’ll probably notice that some parts of your body are getting much larger than they used to be. Whether it’s your ears, your nose, your tail, or any other extremities that are ballooning up, you might just look a bit gangly and awkward for a while. Don’t worry though, with any luck the rest of you will grow to be just as grossly disproportionate in no time!

Growth Spurts:

Rapid increases in size are very common during puberty but they occur at different rates for everyone. While your arms and legs may quickly grow to adult size, your unborn twin’s set of legs may stay child sized for a little while longer and just dangle off of you. Of course, not everyone is going to be the world’s tallest person (only half of you will), but either way you’re probably not going to want to buy any very expensive clothing during this time. Sure, those designer mittens might look nice, but those lobster hands of yours won’t stay that size for long!

Breasts:

The development of breasts (pronounced [boobs]) is another big possible physical development during puberty for both young girls and boys. While two to three breasts is the most common amount, there’s no saying how many you might end up with or how large they may become.*

*see Thomas Bingbong, the amazing 92-year-old baby with astounding quadruple D breasts

New Hair:

While growing up you might have become used to having hair on your head but, as you go through puberty it’s going to start popping up in all sorts of new and unfamiliar places. And sure, those bad teenage mustaches can be a tad embarrassing; but remember, girls, it just means that you’re well on your way to becoming a gorgeous bearded lady!

Acne:

Although being a teenager can be a lot of fun, puberty probably won’t be a very pleasant time for your skin. Where once you may have only had tree-bark-like warts, your face and body can suddenly become inundated with big ugly pimples and zits. Despite what you may have heard, there is no proof that diet has any effect on acne. It’s really just something you have to patiently wait to clear up and there’s no reason to feel bad about eating some fire or swallowing a sword from time to time!

Emotional Changes:

Of course, puberty does a lot more than just change the way you look. In your teenage years you’re also going to have a lot of new feelings and anxieties to deal with. While acting out against your parents or rebelling against society are totally normal reactions to this changing world you’re in, try not to go too crazy or do anything you’ll regret. Just stick to a couple hundred piercings or some full-body tattoos and you should be fine.

Well, that’s about all there is to know about puberty. Now stop worrying so much and get back to being young and carefree! Come on, those nails aren’t going to hammer themselves into your nose!

Study: Kinky sex better for mental health than “vanilla”

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June 17, 2013

According to a new study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, using the blindfold and furry handcuffs stashed in your closet may contribute to better mental health than that of lovers keeping it boring and simple between the sheets.

This study comes with the release of the DSM-5, the go-to handbook for psychiatrists evaluating and diagnosing mental disorders. The new version categorises BDSM (short for bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism) as unusual behaviour; this elevates to mental disorder status when activities harm the practitioner or other individuals.

“We define sadism and masochism at this current historical moment as activity on the outer edges of what we find acceptable. We see those people as pushing up against that particular boundary,” says SFU associate professor Elise Chenier. “At the same time, there are other types of sexual expression that we don’t all see as positive in a mental health perspective.”

For this sex and mental health study, researchers recruited 902 BDSM practitioners from a sex forum and 434 “vanilla” practitioners from a women’s magazine website, a university website, and a personal secret website. Each volunteer filled out a series of surveys with the understanding that the study was examining human behaviour.

Survey types included personality dimensions, rejection sensitivity, attachment styles, and subjective well-being questionnaires. The answers were then statistically analyzed and group differences were evaluated.

From these tests, the kinkier group was found to either show no difference from the general population or to exhibit more favourable results than the “vanilla” control group, including being more conscientious, open to new ideas, less neurotic, and less concerned about others’ opinions.

They also reported feeling more happiness in the past two weeks and higher stability in their relationships than their less adventurous counterparts.
These findings may come as a surprise to some since they are contrary to both restricted views of BDSM activity in the past and the idea of sadism or masochism as an indicator of mental instability or illness.

“Historically, mental health research has been used as a school of oppression against sexual minority groups. Now, you have sexual minority groups using the same tools to try and argue the opposite thing,” says Chenier. “We need to see the research article as a piece of political work, not a piece of objective science because it’s arguing for the validity of sexual practices that are marginalized and oppressed.”

The study also reported that 33 per cent of BDSM men respondents were submissive, while 48 per cent were dominant, and 18 per cent switch between being dominant and submissive in bed. Women BDSM participants were 75 per cent submissive, 8 per cent dominant, and 16 per cent switch. Dominant sex partners scored higher on the study’s mental health surveys, while — as you might expect — switchers scored in the middle, and submissive partners scored the lowest, though never below any of the control group “vanilla” practitioners.

Study researcher Andreas Wismeijer doesn’t offer much explanation for his findings, and only suggests possibilities. In comparison with controls, BDSM practitioners may have a better grasp of their erotic needs and desires, translating to more peaceful relationships both in bed and in other aspects of couples’ lives. It was also suggested that associating with the BDSM community — a niche in the grander scheme of sexual practices — may involve psychological work that could inadvertently produce better mental health.

“For me, at the end of the day, it’s dangerous to make arguments that people should not be [sexually] oppressed because engaging in these practices brings better mental health,” says Chenier. “What this research is suggesting is that if you want to be happier, you should dominate in an S&M relationship. Well, what about submissive roles in those relationships?”

She concluded, “I think, instead, people should be as they are or as they discover themselves to be.”

Where are they now?

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June 17, 2013