By: Abbey Perley, Assistant Production Editor

Aries

March 21–April 19

Tangerine matcha latte

Aries, tangerines may be as bright as you, but the novelty is getting a little out of hand. When was the last time you even ate a tangerine? This combination is what you thought could kickstart your summer, but all it will really do is stoke the thrill of being a trailblazer. At least you’ll know you’re meeting your Vitamin C intake. The stars are taking bets on if you’ll gatekeep this or make a TikTok about it (or both, somehow, for social validation).

Taurus

April 20–May 20

Banana bread matcha latte

Just because you like to be cozy doesn’t mean your drink orders must follow suit. The stars are seriously wondering if you even wanted a matcha at all or if you were just craving banana bread. Now you have both. Please consider taking up baking instead of drinking whatever this is. 

Gemini

May 21–June 20

Dirty matcha latte

Gemini, you don’t have to drink dirt just to stay relevant! When indecisiveness has been ruling you to the point where you have to layer two caffeines on top of each other, you should know something needs to be re-evaluated. The stars believe in your ability to get through one full drink of one kind without getting bored, and are simultaneously concerned about how FOMO is impacting your lifestyle. Check in with yourself once the caffeine from this doozy wears off. 

Cancer

June 21–July 22

Usucha

It’s OK to admit the world can be a bit too much for you. You can’t be bothered with all the toppings and syrups and cold foams and milk substitutes that modern society possesses. Sometimes you just want to reconnect with how all of these drinks began in the first place. The stars think this is a good time to return to your roots and remember where you started. Some people may call you boring, but the word they should be looking for is classy. 

Leo

July 23–August 22

Raspberry danish matcha latte

Your desperation for success can get a little out of hand sometimes (all the time). This is another case of that desperation making itself known. This drink is the embodiment of throwing synonyms at your essay just to hit word count and look pretentious. Raspberry? Doable. Danish? Not unless they blend up a pastry to make it (which is unlikely, but would maybe contribute to it being $9). Like your essay, this drink sounds intriguing but just by the name, we all know you’ve lost the plot.

Virgo

August 23–September 22

Pumpkin spice matcha latte

Pumpkin spice as a matcha flavouring should be a recession indicator, and perhaps it’s time for you to chase this trend. Instinctually, pumpkin might be up there with the last things you would consider pairing with matcha. However, the stars (or a sponsor?) would like you to look a little closer and consider that the warm earthiness of both ingredients make for one robust drink that would suit your equally-as-earthy nature. Please try it! This entry has been sponsored by Big Pumpkin!

Libra

September 23–October 22

Strawberry matcha latte

To bond with the enthusiastic strawberry matcha community, you are completely OK with being like other girls and romanticizing your daily life beyond belief (mostly to remain functional). As endearing as this is, the stars urge you to find your matcha-life balance elsewhere; they are afraid a less-than-average latte may be your last straw(berry). 

Scorpio

October 23–November 21

Mango matcha latte 

Like you, this drink can be quite temperamental depending on if it’s mango season or not, but it’s a staple that you’re always determined to try regardless. At times, the mango’s sheer strength can make the matcha nearly invisible to the tongue. The stars would like to ask if you feel more like the mango or the matcha in this scenario, and possibly consider how that affects other people. 

Sagittarius

November 22–December 21

Ube matcha latte

You’re a risk-taker, and what better way to prove it than trying one of the most volatile combinations possible? The success of this drink depends entirely on the quality of both compounds. The high-risk, high-reward nature makes for an adrenaline rush — just don’t crash and burn when it inevitably tastes artificial at least 50% of the time. Big Pumpkin has sponsored this entry to remind everyone that pumpkins grow in the ground just like ube.  

Capricorn

December 22–January 19

Double shot matcha latte 

You’re someone who needs to ensure everyone in your life knows you’re a busybody. You might think the L-theanine in matcha makes you seem morally superior to a coffee drinker, but just because you can doesn’t mean you should. The stars urge you to check how many grams of matcha are in one shot so you don’t spend the next five hours vibrating instead of addressing your to-do list (which they know is long; you have a lot to accomplish, after all). 

Aquarius

January 20–February 18

Blueberry matcha latte

Usually, the stars see blueberry paired with hojicha, but you seem to want all that is different. You might experience disappointment more than the average person. You say that builds character, but this just means you get to talk about experiencing disappointment in your daily life. Big Pumpkin has sponsored this entry to tell everyone that pumpkins have a longer shelf life than blueberries and therefore have a higher ROI(FM) (Return on Investment (For Matcha)).

Pisces

February 19–March 20

Matcha milk tea with pearls 

Let’s be honest. You were at a bubble tea shop and didn’t feel like a fruit tea. None of the other milk teas had the specific energy you were looking for. For someone as nostalgic as you, the fond memories of your matcha experiences persist even when away from matcha cafes, which influences your order everywhere else you go to an alarming degree. It’s debatable if this even counts as matcha and you probably knew that while ordering it, but unlike some matcha snobs, you’re just here for the vibes.