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Students should be allowed preferred names on SFU ID cards

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Whenever someone pronounces my surname wrong, I smile, correct them, and jokinglyexplain how vowels hadn’t yet been invented when my ancestors came to the Western world. But despite the jokes I make in regards to my name, I fully understand how significant titles such as names are to our own identities.

Just recently, Lucas Crawford, lecturer in the Gender, Sexuality and Women’s Studies Department, and SFU student Nathan Lyndsay, suggested a change to SFU’s age-old policy of printing legal names on students IDs. This change could spell a further step towards equality and safety for all individuals at SFU, especially transgender students.

Many transgender students often change their names, yet the process to legally change one’s name in British Columbia is extensive and often expensive. The name change alone will often warrant a criminal record check, a new birth certificate, or the like. More often than not, it’s more efficient to keep a legal name on your documents, while being publicly referred to by a different chosen name.

However, requiring a legal name on an SFU ID poses problems for transgender students, namely that they may be subject to scrutiny or violence, and are made uneasy when having to explain themselves.

Universities must be prepared to correct archaic policies that discriminate against students.

While Simon Fraser University has always been a progressive hub for social equality, reality is a harsh mistress. Harassment and abuse can occur at any time, from subtle acts of discrimination to blatant attacks. As a student who believes in an environment of equality for all people, I strongly believe that SFU students should be able to choose what name is printed on their ID card. This way, such harassment may be avoided.

A new identification policy would also bring about practicalities for students with foreign names. As a child, many of my friends with names originating from their mother-language, had to go by their westernized first names. It was simply easier for Westerners to pronounce, and the troubles of watching people stumble over a foreign name often outweighed any doubts in their minds. In choosing their own names, foreign students would still retain their dignity and identity as individuals.

As our society grows to be more progressive, all universities must be prepared to correct their archaic policies that may discriminate against students. While allowing students a preferred name on their ID card may seem a small change, it’s a step in the direction of social tolerance and comfortable maintenance of one’s identity.

Apple’s new watch gets a little too personal

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It’s easy to be disappointed by the announcement of Apple’s latest ‘game-changer.’ The Apple Watch, slated to be released in early 2015, has been described by Tim Cook as “the next chapter in Apple’s story,” but consumers are hesitant.

Apple’s previous successes — iPhone and iPad — both introduced entirely new product categories, and revolutionized communication in an (arguably) positive way. The Watch, however, which promises only marginal improvements on features already found in other mobile devices, further exacerbates the social challenges and unrestrained pervasiveness of mobile technology through its so-called convenience factor.

What should concern us is that the Apple Watch is not a piece of mobile technology, nor is it a mere gadget. It’s a clothing item; an accessory designed to be a permanent fixture in our daily lives from morning until night. Devices created to provide an augmented reality experience for the user aren’t anything new — Google’s overly ambitious and notoriously ugly Google Glass technology is the most notable example — however, the device is past beta testing and will soon be in consumer hands.

At a recent lunch with friends, I witnessed an all-too-familiar sight: five faces glued to their screens, casually dismissing one another. Such a scenario is a constant hazard in modern life, but imagine how much worse this would be if there was no option to unplug. There is no question that our lives are increasingly involved with mobile communication, but the Apple Watch is a step too far.

We need technology to live with us and to be at our disposal, not the other way around.

Each time you receive a text, Tweet, or Facebook notification, the watch lights up and sends your brain into overdrive as you re-focus your attention from whatever you’re doing in order to respond. It’s simple and rather liberating to let a vibrating phone sit in your pocket for 15 minutes before responding. However, it’s difficult to ignore a glass watch that constantly invades your personal space, and incentivizes multitasking through its cluttered design.

The Apple Watch is also marketed as an exercise aide. It includes a workout app and can flip through music simply by being in contact with your wrist. Apparently, a stopwatch and a trusty old iPod Shuffle can’t effectively do the exact same thing, because they’re not on your wrist and don’t cost $349.

Additionally, Apple has partnered with Honeywell and Lutron so that the Watch can dim your lights or turn on your air conditioning. It’s clear to me that the Watch has been designed to complement every part of your life, a somewhat invasive aspect that should not be taken lightly by users.

I do not intend to sound averse to technological advancement, but we need technology to live with us and to be at our disposal, not the other way around. CEO Tim Cook has proclaimed the Apple Watch to be “the most personal device Apple has ever created.” Though, it will soon be time for the average consumer to decide how personal is too personal.

League of Legends tournament accidentally breaks world record for most single men in one place

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The tournament’s major sponsors included Microsoft Windows, Mountain Dew, and fedoras.

Late last week, Guinness World Records made a surprising announcement when it declared that the 2014 League of Legends World Championship had accidentally gathered the highest number of bachelors in a single place, shattering the previously held record.

The annual tournament, organized by American-based gaming company Riot Games, asks players from around the world to compete in a series of online PvP matches with prize money reaching close to $1 million. While breaking a world record had not been Riot Games’ intention, the tournament nonetheless drew absurdly high volumes of single men between the ages of 17 and 80.

“After four years of a being a world-class event, it’s great to see the tournament garnering the attention it deserves,” said Tom Flanny, a spokesperson for Riot Games. “Well, I mean, this isn’t the kind of attention we wanted, but no press is bad press, right?”

Operating on an anonymous tip, Guinness World Records employees arrived at the scene on September 19, the second day of the championships; they were immediately blown away at how previous record-holder BlizzCon 2013 paled in comparison. While exact numbers have yet to be finalized, early reports suggest that as many as three times the number of single men appeared at the League of Legends championship.

“Honestly, in the 20 years I’ve been with Guinness World Records I’d never seen anything quite like it,” Steven Sharkey, one of the first Guinness employees on the scene, told The Peak. “There were fedoras and 2L bottles of Mountain Dew as far as the eye could see.”

The world record for most single men in one location has existed since 1978, when it was first accidentally set via an organized rally of men’s rights activists. While the judging criteria has changed over the years — to include recently-widowed men or those with ‘totally hot’ internet girlfriends — the overall measurement has stayed the same. It is based off of how many single men are located within a singular, closed-off area. The League of Legends tournament reportedly had a ratio of one single male for every four square feet.

“While the tournament clearly destroyed any previous record holder, determining by how much has proved difficult,” Sharkey explained. “People kept trying to weasel their way out of telling us their relationship status.

“One guy told me he had a girlfriend named Savannah who was off at college in the States. He said something about a long distance relationship and communicating through letters, but I had to remind him that he was essentially describing the movie Dear John.”

The process was further convoluted by the high volume of men’s ponytails found at the tournament, making it difficult for Guinness employees to distinguish female attendees and subtract them from the final total.

While most tournament goers are still deciding if the broken record was something to brag about or not, Martin Handford, creator of the popular literary series Where’s Waldo?, expressed an interest via his Twitter in taking the real-life event and integrating it into a new book in which readers must try and spot a woman hiding in various illustrated pages of League of Legends tournaments. Handford’s publisher has yet to comment on the topic.

This week in comics

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Fun in the Sun (Austin)
Fun in the Sun (Austin Cozicar)
Contribute (Jacey Gibb)
Not a shameless plug (Jacey Gibb)

peersclass
Peers (Leslie Lu)

Ski Ninja Week 4 (Kyle Lees)

Turning the page on tech innovation with bookbook™

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Experts are already predicting how this new platform will impact the tech world.

Recently Ikea has been making world headlines with its innovative bookbook™, a new revolutionary device that’s small enough to fit in the palm of your hand. Straying from their traditional Ikea Edge, this new bookbook is a slim and sleeker version of your usual catalogue, with a 7.5 by 8 inch design. After the success of 2013’s iHorseMeatballs, Ikea’s new device has already garnered positive responses from some of the top technology critics. Here’s what some of them are saying.

“This is the future, I’ve never seen anything quite like it. The interface has totally changed from last year’s catalogue.” -Maria Yoshida, Wired

“Quite frankly, I’m satisfied with it. Especially with its new virus protection Roll-it-Up app, which fights off any bugs.” –Joel Lepp, Gizmag

“The fact that it has a bendable screen on every page is amazing. Sorry Samsung, I’ve Sam-singed your praises long enough.” -John Fowler, New Technology Magazine

“I love the multiple fonts this magazine offers. Now I can send cryptic kidnapping messages without having to find another magazine.” -Michael Klyne, Stuff

“It also doubles as toilet paper!” -Paige Lawless, Vancouver Sun

However, despite the massive hype circulating the internet, users of similar interfaces were unimpressed with what Ikea had to offer.

“Yeah, the extended battery life is great, but Ikea’s deliberately avoiding the fact that it’s not waterproof. I spilled my coffee on it and now the screen stopped working.” -Tania Turnbull, The Globe and Mail

“If you look inside the magazine, there’s nothing but proprietary hardware with no open source specifications. How am I supposed to know the NSA isn’t spying on me through my Tarva shelf? I’m going to store my personal photos on there you know.” -Alison Smith, Discover Magazine

“I don’t like how they’re only letting the bookbook™ be compatible with the bookbookhourglass™. Ikea has dominated the marketplace long enough; give us some room for competition!” -Tom Harold, Popular Science

“What a rip-off, it doesn’t even have any games.” – Rachelle Yeung, The Toronto Star

“Meh, they’re just going to shill out a bookbook™ 1S sooner or later.” – Max Hill, The Peak

Instagram introduces new filters to help trick people into thinking you’re cool and interesting

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Responses to the filters have been favourable.

Social media juggernaut Instagram announced earlier this week that it would be adding a brand new series of filters meant to further fool your friends and acquaintances into believing your life is a lot more notable than it actually is.

“Our users are some of the most loyal, status-obsessed individuals in the world,” said Instagram’s co-founder and CEO, Kevin Systrom, following the announcement. “We really wanted to reward that insecurity, while simultaneously feeding into their fears that they might not be as interesting as some of their friends.”

Beginning October 7, like a U2 album fluttering down from the heavens to shake your preconceptions about smartphone privacy, eight new filters will be automatically downloaded to all existing Instagram accounts.

Among them are: the ‘Michael Bay’ filter, which will add giant flames, fighting robots, and plenty of weak female characters to your photo; the ‘Amicus’ filter, which adds anywhere between one to seven friends, depending on the photo’s saturation levels; and the ‘Parent’ filter, which will automatically alter the photo to resemble someone your parents won’t be ashamed to call their son or daughter.

“One of the filters we’re most excited about is the ‘D-list’ filter,” Systrom continued. “By using Instagram’s global tracking system, we can determine which D-list celebrities live in your area and then insert them into the background of your photo, creating a completely fictional though entirely believable post that will have people thinking, ‘Wow, I can’t believe that person got a photo taken with Brandon Routh!’”

Response to the new lineup of filters has been relatively positive, with fans of giant fighting robots citing the “giant fighting robots” as a big draw while Brandon Routh is reportedly just happy to hear people still sometimes think about him, even if it’s in a demeaning, D-list capacity.

However, there has been some pushback from social critics, saying that the line of new filters might affect the way users view each other’s Instagram accounts.

“People love Instagram because it’s easy and predictable,” SFU sociologist Brenda Fraser told The Peak. “Did you know that 58 per cent of photos on Instagram are of food or beverages? Or that nine per cent are shots of an airplane wing from inside the cabin? This is the kind of predictable crap that users have grown accustomed to and love. If you start tampering with the filters, you’ll be creating a whole new sector of content and there’s no telling how people will react. Then again, it can’t be worse than the #aftersex trend earlier this year.”

In addition to the new filters, Instagram will also introduce a timer function that will allow users to delay and schedule posts for later, long after they’ve gone to bed.

Systrom explained: “Instead of staying out late and posting pictures of their friends having fun, this new function will let people schedule their posts for 1:00 a.m., giving the illusion that they’re not already curled up at home, falling asleep while reading Ender’s Game for the fifth time.

“We really think these new releases are going to change the way in which people use Instagram. Don’t feel like putting up with your friends or loved ones? Just take a photo of yourself and slap the ‘Amicus’ filter on. Don’t want people to think you’re staying at home on a Friday night? Delay the posting until 11:00 p.m. and then go to bed early. Users will finally be free from the social obligation of ever having to leave their house or talk to people again. You hear me? We’ll all be free. FREE!”

For those concerned about losing any existing filters, Instagram has assured users that the new additions won’t affect their old favourites and that the ‘Kelvin’ filter will still be very much be a part of the options, no matter how much you choose to ignore and hate it.

Female Body Inspector forced to go undercover at family dinner, put on a sweater

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Despite his title, Justin Wilderman is almost unrecognizable with a jacket on.

Despite routinely displaying his role as a trained and trusted FBI: Female Body Inspector, a 13-year old operative is reportedly working undercover at tonight’s dinner — you know, because grandma’s coming.

Justin Wilderman, who’s been an FBI for almost three weeks now and has proudly let the world know it by wearing his standard issue T-shirt everywhere, from the grocery store to the movie theatre and even the classroom, is now being called to work in secret for the first time.

According to reports, his mother, Mrs. Wilderman, feels that tonight’s birthday dinner for her uncle Richard is “too important” for her son to be out in the open in his uniform.

“I don’t really get it, but usually I don’t mind too much,” Mrs. Wilderman explained, speaking about her son’s career choice. “All the relatives will be here tonight though and I’m just not sure if they’ll approve [of Justin’s career choice].”

She continued to say that it would be best if Justin went undercover and put on that blue sweater that his grandmother had bought him to cover up his FBI shirt.

However, Justin has made it clear that even if his uniform isn’t visible, he will continue to uphold the responsibilities that come with wearing it.

“This isn’t just a T-shirt to me, I don’t treat it as some sort of novelty or hilarious joke,” Justin told The Peak. “I took a solemn oath when my brother Terry gave it to me to make sure no female bodies went uninspected and I haven’t let him down yet.”

Despite whatever preconceived notions people might have about wearing an FBI: Female Body Inspector shirt, Justin says it is in no way a pile of laughs — it is actually a serious responsibility.   

A lot of people think [this job] means that I just stare at attractive women on the street and look at their boobs or whatever,” Justin explained while putting on the blue sweater-disguise. “No, I have to inspect ALL female bodies, not just hotties.

“The elderly grocery store clerk, the overweight janitor at the movie theatre [. . .] any female animals,” Justin listed endlessly. “Do you know how many of the squirrels you see around are ladies? Turns out it’s a lot of them!”

Justin further explained that he doesn’t just inspect uniquely female parts either but that he has to take note of every aspect of their body, from their armpits to how many moles they have.

“The entire process can take anywhere from 10 minutes to a half-hour per female. If I leave the house, I normally end up working at least a 10-hour day. That’s why I like to have the shirt, so people know what I’m up to.”

All of these reasons will make working undercover very difficult for Justin.

“There are a lot of women in my family and now I’m going to have to do my inspections without them knowing I’m a professional,” he said, shaking his head. “I hope grandma doesn’t think I’m just leering at her, I have to do my job!”

Although Justin says that he is fully committed to being an FBI and wouldn’t give up his duties for the world, he admits he sometimes wishes he had gone in a different direction in life and become an arbiter of “Who farted?” like his brother originally offered him.

“That would’ve been a lot easier, it’s always uncle Richard,” he said, cringing at the thought of having to inspect his Aunt Cheryl’s psoriasis patch later tonight. “I guess I just didn’t think this career through enough.”

At press time, Grandma Wilderman had arrived at the door and was delighted to see that Justin was wearing the sweater she had bought him. No word yet on how Justin reacted to what she was wearing, but indications that she wore a dress suggest he wasn’t altogether thrilled.

Research confirms Adam Sandler movies too lowbrow for Great Apes

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The three sins of Adam Sandler: plot, character development, and Rob Schneider.

What was once mere speculation and popular opinion has now been confirmed: a study released last week by the Entirely Real Institute of Humour and Evolution has produced shocking information regarding Adam Sandler films and the reactions they elicit from viewers.

After taking a cross section of great apes —  from chimpanzees to gorillas and orangutans — and exposing them to the entirety of Mr. Sandler’s filmography, researchers discovered that although the apes’ enthusiasm began the trial at a relative high, it suffered a substantial drop-off as they were exposed to more recent films.

“We witnessed abnormally high levels of enjoyment during Sandler films from the ‘90s,” said Marie Thomas, a research assistant for the Entirely Real Institute. “It wasn’t until around the early 2000s that things for the apes really started to go downhill.”

It’s reported that Mr. Deeds — a film that the researchers agree is an “overall feel-good film” and “a lot of fun, if you just lower your expectations” — marked the first instance of an ape admitting it wasn’t Sandler’s best work. Shortly after that, the apes began to show signs of confusion, followed by anger. The third and final emotion for most of the apes was depression.

During the screening of Jack and Jill, an orangutan named Sammy pointed at the screen, looked to her handler, and signed, “Why?” During the 2014 film Blended, a gorilla named Chico signed, “A bit lowbrow, isn’t it?” with an ironically hilarious gesture, which included him slapping his own forehead before dragging the hand down his face. A bonobo named Henry watched Grown Ups and fell asleep, waking up during Grown Ups 2 and signing, “I dreamed we were not doing this. It was a good dream. How many sight gags did I miss?”

“We set out to see how far back our ideas of humour go,” explained Thomas. “We know what Roger Ebert thinks of Adam Sandler movies, but what about chimps? Turns out they have fairly similar opinions. We’re fascinated by the fact that they will laugh for 15 minutes when they throw feces at each other, but That’s My Boy got nothing.”

This isn’t the first time that the Entirely Real Institute of Humour and Evolution has been in the headlines this year. Back in February, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) blasted the organization and this particular study for its “unethical treatment of great apes,” saying that it could not condone any operation that subjected a sentient life to Click, no matter how promising the film’s premise may sound.

“These are some sick people doing some sick things,” said PETA member Robert Rosenberg in a video that went out in March. “I speak for myself and the rest of the organization when I say we’ll be doing everything in our power to stop what’s being done to these poor, unfortunate animals.”

Though Mr. Sandler was too busy producing and starring in Grown Ups 5 to respond to The Peak’s phone calls, it can be speculated that he’s still richer than any one of us will ever be and will probably continue making awful movies starring all of his friends, regardless of what PETA or the rest of the world has to say about it.

A look at the NHL rule changes

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Under the new rules, a player can’t delay a faceoff after an icing call.

On September 11, the NHL announced new rules that will go into effect this season, which are designed to allow for more goal-scoring opportunities — read on for a breakdown and analysis of the changes:

Trapezoids

The trapezoid will now be expanded by two feet on each side. This will allow goalies more room to come out and handle the puck, leading to more turnovers and most likely goals. The goalie coming out to play the puck more frequently will help to protect defenseman from those nasty hits into the boards that have been more prevalent the last few years. I still wish they would get rid of the whole trapezoid though, as it would make for some more interesting dump-ins.

Spin-o-ramas

The NHL has eliminated the spin-o-rama in shootouts altogether. I’m not a fan of this one, as it limits the moves players can use in a shootout. Isn’t the shootout supposed to be a skills competition? Why say to a player “you can’t use that move” if he has the skills to pull it off? It takes away an exciting, skill-oriented aspect from what is a  mostly pointless portion of the game. Instead, maybe the NHL could start using international shootout rules, where players can shoot multiple times. Now that would be interesting.

Tripping on Breakaway 

Players are no longer allowed to trip a player on a breakaway, even if they get the puck first. Previously, a player could dive in front of an opposing player on a breakaway, effectively tripping him, as long as the player on the breakaway touched the puck first. I don’t think this is a very good idea, simply because it takes a great deal of skill and awareness to knock the puck off a player on a breakaway instead of simply tripping him up. However, I’m not that upset about this rule, because who doesn’t want to see more breakaways?

Diving

The NHL can now give out fines for players who dive and embellish, but it’s not a big enough fine, in my opinion. Two thousand dollars is a drop in the bucket for a guy making $4 million a year, and that fine only happens on the second offence; the first garners a nice little warning. And why is the coach getting fined? He starts getting fined after a player’s fourth offence, but he’s not the one diving, and he’s probably not telling the guy on the bench to snap his head back.

Faceoffs 

After an icing call, a team can now be penalized for trying to delay a faceoff — a much needed rule change. GMs and coaches must have gotten sick of players essentially cheating on icings and going unpunished, and doing so in plain sight no less. Plus, it’s good for the fan; I was tired of watching games where the faceoffs took twice as long because a guy intentionally waived himself out. Now with the threat of a penalty, at least a player has to think twice before cheating.

Shooting to win

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SFU was knocked out in first round of last year’s playoffs.

Last season, SFU men’s hockey were expected to be championship contenders. Instead, their season ended abruptly with an unexpected loss to Trinity Western in the first round of the playoffs.

Despite having dynamite offensive talents in Jono Ceci and Nick Sandor, the Clan could only muster five goals over three games against TWU. Their offensive struggles in the playoffs indicated that the team needed more offensive production from the bottom half of the roster, a need head coach Mark Coletta sought to fill this offseason.

The focus of recruitment was on depth and goaltending, filling the vacancy left by Graeme Gordon. In all, ten new faces will appear on the roster this season.

Langley native Adam Callegari possesses the gaudiest offensive numbers of all the new recruits coming to Burnaby this season. Callegari posted 70 points in 38 games while playing for the Aldergrove Kodiaks of the PIJHL. He is highly skilled and figures to fit right in with the free flowing offensive game the Clan runs.

Experience is the most significant value that Matthew Berry-Lamontagna and Matthew Luongo, the first two commits of the offseason, bring to SFU. Berry-Lamontagna played his last four seasons in the WHL and BCHL where he faced off against the top junior competition in the province. Luongo comes from BCIHL rivals Selkirk College and has played on the past two championship winning squads — the Surrey native knows what it takes to win championships.

The goaltending vacancy was addressed by adding netminders Jordan Liem and Dominic Stadnyk. The two will expect to battle it out over camp and preseason for the starting spot in goal. Both are relatively young at 21 years old, so goaltending will be a position for the SFU faithful to keep an eye on all season.

Although the new players will factor into the team’s success this season, the second year players are even more important. Yan Kalashnikov, Josh McKissock and Aaron Enns had solid rookie seasons in the BCIHL, but more offensive production will be needed from this trio if the Clan wants to reach their ultimate goal.

Enns was third on the team in scoring, putting up 31 points in 21 games and showing flashes of dominance in last years campaign. SFU will rely on Enns to take the next step and be a more consistent threat in order for the Clan to avoid being a one-line team.

The same goes for McKissock and Kalashnikov. Each player has great offensive talent, but neither was able to put the puck in the back of the net as much as this team needed them to.

SFU has enough talent to win the championship, but many things need to go right for the Clan to reach this goal. Some questions remain: Can Liem and Stadnyk fill the giant hole left by the departure of Graeme Gordon?  Will Callegari carry over his incredible scoring performances into the BCIHL? Are Kalashnikov, McKissock and Enns ready to take the next step?

If the answers are no, the Clan may face another early exit from the playoffs. But if they come together and plays to their true potential, this team can win the 2014/15 BCIHL championship.

SFU men’s hockey play their first home game at Bill Copeland Sports Centre on Friday, October 10 at 7:00 p.m. against the Selkirk College Saints.