Peers (by Leslie Lu)
Pun 2 3 (by Sarah Walker)
This week in comics
Prominent Occupy Central supporter revealed to be pro-annexation British colonel
Members of the Occupy Central movement were surprised this week to learn that one of their most vocal supporters, ex-Special Air Service commander Percival Harrington III, has only been encouraging the protests in hopes that Hong Kong will reunite with its former, more favourable ruler: Great Britain.
Putting the ‘civil’ back in ‘civil disobedience,’ the Occupy Central protests have been active since September 22. Formed in response to the Communist Party of China’s decision to select its own leader over those chosen by the people of Hong Kong, the pro-democracy protest has been attracting media attention from around the globe.
Harrington, a 77-year-old veteran of the Falklands War and several other British struggles of decolonization, has thus far been an outspoken supporter of the young protesters and their wishes for freedom — though his motives are only now coming to light.
“It’s good to see people finally realize the mistake of giving the Chinese sovereignty over Hong Kong,” Harrington told reporters. “I tell you, the moment you give the ‘natives’ any authority, it all goes down the loo and you’ve got civilization committing suicide.
“You just can’t trust them reds. One moment they’re shaking hands with you after fighting the Japanese and then bam, they take all your colonies right from under you in so-called national liberation.”
While still lamenting the loss of Hong Kong in 1997, Harrington remains hopeful for the future with the current protests and has publicly encouraged current Prime Minister David Cameron to take advantage of the situation immediately by conquering Hong Kong.
When asked what he would do if Westminster did not agree with his plan, Harrington assured reporters, “I’ve watched Apocalypse Now enough times to know that if the government doesn’t have the stones for it, then you need to set up a covert rebel army and do it yourself with music by The Doors playing menacingly in the background.”
Harrington proceeded to praise notably ruthless and oppressive governments of the past, including those of Apartheid-era South Africa and Rhodesia, then spoke of how he would govern Hong Kong based on their example. When told that these ideas contrast with the very demands of the protesters and have a rather colonialist slant, Harrington responded with: “It’s not colonialism if it stops communism!”
The irony of Harrington’s statements were not lost on the people of Hong Kong, as one anonymous male student protester commented with a simple, “Same shit, different day.”
Unfortunately for Harrington, his plans for annexation are likely to be forgotten, as rumours claim that the colonel suffers from extreme delusions caused by years of opium usage. The rumour has all but been confirmed by Harrington himself, who abruptly ended his interview, saying, “If you would excuse me chap, this bloody dragon keeps flying around the air and I feel the sudden urge to chase it.”
SFU women’s wrestling strong-arm their way to success
The SFU women’s wrestling enters the 2014/15 season looking to improve upon their last season, in which four Clan members were named Women’s Collegiate Wrestling Association (WCWA) champions in their respective weight classes.
The team is currently ranked sixth in the WCWA; having finished their 2013/14 season second at the WCWA National Duals, and third overall as a team at the WCWA Individual Nationals.
Returning to the lineup will be: junior Darby Huckle, 103 lbs; senior Nikkie Brar, 116 lbs; sophomore Maegan Kuruvita, 143 lbs; senior Bailey Halvorson, 155 lbs; and junior Monika Podgorski, 170 lbs.
After suffering a knee injury early last season, Halvorson — among the returners in their last year at SFU — is ready to get back to competing for the Clan: “It feels great to finally be able to compete after undergoing surgery on my knee so early last year. I am very excited for this season, and the WCWA Individual Nationals, where I plan to compete for the gold medal at 143 lbs.”
Also entering her senior year is Nikkie Brar, whose goals for the season are to “beat Oklahoma City in every dual we wrestle them, [. . .] win the WCWA Individual Nationals at 116 lbs, and improve on my third place finish from last year.”
As a team, women’s wrestling have their sights set on winning the WCWA National Duals, which will be held January 10-12.
SFU returns to the mats October 25 and 26, when they travel to Oklahoma City, OK to compete at the Cliff Keen Duals hosted by Oklahoma City University (OCU). Last season, the Clan placed second at this dual tournament, after dropping the final dual to King’s University.
The team will then continue their season the following weekend as SFU wrestling hosts the annual Clan International at home in the West Gym on Saturday, November 1.
“[SFU] has been hosting the Clan [International] for [around] three years, for the men and the women, and it’s an excellent blend of talent from all over North America,” Justin Abdou, the head coach of the men’s team, said. “We have had several Olympians and World Champions wrestle [here] in previous years, with future Olympians competing each year, [. . .] it’s a high caliber tournament worth watching.”
Also competing in the Clan International is the SFU men’s wrestling team, who open their season at home, before they start their busy collegiate season.
Cat fed up with human constantly puking and shiting on her good toilet
After months of rampant speculation and backroom meetings, area cat Whiskers has confirmed that she is sick of her human treating her toilet as if it’s a litter box.
“Enough is enough,” Whiskers declared at a press conference, held yesterday sometime between her early mid-morning nap and her late mid-morning doze. “If Jim can’t remember where he’s supposed to take care of his business, then I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.
“If I catch him pissing on my good toilet one more time [. . .] I’m so mad, I can’t even think straight right now.”
Whiskers has confirmed that the Jim she’s referring to is the same human she acquired through a Craigslist posting in August. Following a then-recent breakup, Whiskers had been looking for something to help fill the void and came across Jim’s photo in a posting.
“I’ll be the first to admit that I should have done more research on humans and then made an informed decision on if they were right for me,” said Whiskers. “Other cats always tell you about how great it is having a human around the house, but they never tell you about all of the incessant ‘accidents’ that happen when you’re not around.”
Though Jim’s previous cat told Whiskers that he was well-behaved and fully trained on how to use the litter box, Whiskers was almost immediately disappointed to find Jim going to the bathroom in the bathroom.
Whiskers explained: “I’ve tried everything to get him to stop. I’ve tried following him into the bathroom and eyeing him while he goes; I’ve tried meowing loudly whenever my food dish is even slightly empty; I’ve even tried falling asleep in a sun beam in the living room. Nothing seems to be getting his attention.”
When asked to make a statement, Jim would only tell press that Whiskers was “a pwetty kitty” and his “little snuggle monster,” but refused to comment on the toilet-related allegations being made against him. So far the claims have gone unconfirmed.
While Jim’s tenancy with Whiskers remains up in the air, it has been suggested that the Vancouver cat might be entertaining the idea of welcoming a female human into her household — though Whiskers is hesitant.
“I’m really more of a male human cat. I don’t think I’m home enough to give a female human all of the attention she would need. I hear they’re a lot of work.”
Sports Briefs
Cross-Country
The Clan men’s and women’s cross-country teams competed at the 41st Annual Western Washington University Classic on Saturday, October 11 in Bellingham, WA. The women’s team achieved first place among Division II competitors while the men placed second. Rebecca Bassett led the women with a time of 21:42, placing eighth individually, while Oliver Jorgensen was the top runner for the men placing 17th with a time of 32:02.
Lacrosse
SFU Lacrosse headed down to California for their fall tour over the Thanksgiving weekend. Facing off first against Sonoma State University, they lost 11-9, nearly coming back from a disastrous second quarter in which they were scored on six times and only scored once. SFU also dropped their other two games, 15-6 to Diablo Valley College, and 14-8 to Dominican University of California. The tournament was the first for many of the players, as 13 of the 26 players are freshmen.
Golf
SFU’s golf teams will compete Monday and Tuesday, with the men headed to Monterey Bay, CA, while the women head to Victoria, BC to play at the Vikes Invitational. Sophomore Kevin Vigna will not play due to injury. The men’s golf team is ranked fifth in NCAA Division II competition according to the first Golfstat ranking of the season.
With files from SFU Athletics and @FraserLacrosse
Who invented it?: Alcohol, music festivals, and greeting card companies
With so many Wikipedia articles floating around today, it’s hard to distinguish fact from the fantasmical. But The Peak’s got you covered with our very first installment of “Who invented it?,” a recurring column meant to tackle the tough, shrouded truths behind some of society’s most fascinating inventions. In this week’s edition, we’ll look at the first time people started buzzing over alcohol, who invented music festivals, and the correlation between greeting card companies and ol’ Saint Valentine.
Alcohol: invented by the karaoke industry
When karaoke was first introduced in the 1960s, it was an utter disaster. The absence of professional vocals confused patrons, who failed to recognize why embarrassing themselves onstage in front of friends and strangers would be desirable, much less enjoyable. A lurking sense of dignity continuously prevented people from selecting catchy pop songs from decades prior or attempting all of the rap parts in “Lose Yourself” to little success. The industry knew they had to take action; karaoke-goers needed something that would lower their guard, instantly allow them to be better dancers, and make even Ke$ha seem like a good idea. Alcohol was invented only a couple of months later.
Music festivals: collaboratively invented by several drug cartels
The sale of hallucinogens and other illegal substances reached an all-time low in 1968, forcing cartels to think creatively if their businesses were going to survive. No one wanted to smoke weed and then have to worry about getting called into work, or run the risk that their parents might unexpectedly drop by. But then it dawned on them: what if there was a way to avoid all of that commitment and paranoia? What if there was a place people could go to for three to four days where the only responsibility was maybe putting on pants in the morning; they could be free to smoke as much weed as they wanted, no longer inhibited by anything that might keep them from being inhibited. The following year, rock ‘n’ roll was bought out by several drug cartels and music festivals became a beacon for debauchery.
Greeting card companies: invented by Saint Valentine
Tired of having to use original words and thoughts to describe his feelings, Saint Valentine devised a brilliant scheme: he’d mass produce the same cheesy lines and rhyming couplets, and make them deliberately ambiguous so that anyone reading would assume the praise was about them, then pair each card with a size-appropriate envelope for the somehow reasonable price of $6. While the cards themselves were an utter waste of resources and capital — people rarely held onto them for longer than a couple of weeks after the special occasion had passed — the false sense of sincerity and relative ease of mass production resulted in greeting cards becoming a hit. Before he knew it, Saint Valentine had created the world’s first greeting card company.
Clan suffer third GNAC loss
The SFU men’s soccer team played to a frustrating 2-1 defeat at home Thursday against the Seattle Pacific University Falcons (SPU). It was expected to be a stern test, as the Falcons — who now sit atop the Great Northwest Athletic Conference (GNAC) standings with their eight wins — are ranked fourth nationally.
The Clan took to the pitch with confidence in full force, and were once again leading the match instantly following kickoff. Alex Rowley’s corner kick was headed in by last year’s GNAC Newcomer of the Year, Magnus Kristensen, for his first of the season.
SFU nearly lost their advantage just moments later, when goalkeeper Brandon Watson couldn’t play his clearance away from the 18-yard box, but Joel Malouf rushed across the face of goal to stop a near equalizer.
In another flurry of chances, the Clan nearly doubled their lead when midfielder Ryan Dhillon sprang loose down the right wing and made a cross to Jovan Blagojevic, but the conference’s top scorer couldn’t convert from the tight angle.
The Falcons clawed their way back into the game in the 15th minute thanks to SPU forward Stephen MacDonald’s strike on the counter attack.
Another rapid response came from the Clan when Nico Espinosa unleashed Dhillon with an accurately lobbed pass to the edge of the penalty area, but the winger saw the one-timer painfully fly into the side netting.
Seattle continued their confident play and would eventually capitalize on some defensive unease in SFU’s back line to take the lead. MacDonald netted his second of the night in the 28th minute with a low strike off the post that was well out of reach for Watson.
With the game’s second half underway, the Falcons seemed content to soak up the pressure from the Clan with plenty of men committed at defence. As Seattle fought for additional counter attacks, Watson was crucial in handling the aerial balls from the Falcons to keep his side’s hopes alive.
Seattle keeper Rodney Greiling was equally impressive after being subbed in at half time, with two vital stops on chances from Joseph Martin and Callum Powell. Ultimately, the high flying Falcons were able to claim a record 10th straight win.
“They’re a very good team, they’re confident, and they wanted it more than we did,” said Clan head coach Alan Koch. “I think if we’d scored more goals early then we would’ve won tonight, and that’s the nature of the game.”
Women’s soccer downed by the Crusaders
The thesaurus doesn’t include an antonym for the word ‘titans,’ so it’s hard to describe the battle that took place Thursday night, featuring SFU’s women’s soccer team, ranked seventh in the conference, falling to the sixth place Northwest Nazarene Crusaders (NNU) by a score of 2-0.
Despite their less-than-stellar records, the game featured its fair share of exciting moments from both sides.
The Crusaders were in control of the match right from the early stages, dominating possession and forcing SFU freshman keeper Priya Sandhu to make several big saves.
Despite being outplayed in the opening 45 minutes, SFU almost caught a break at the 42nd minute when forward Olivia Aguiar received a long pass and beat two defenders almost leading to a breakaway.
Unfortunately, she couldn’t find a path to the net, and the two teams ended what was a relatively uneventful half still deadlocked at 0-0.
Sandhu continued her sharp play at the beginning of the second half with a monster stop on a header from NNU midfielder Laura Seymour in the 49th minute.
After sustaining a long stretch of pressure around the SFU goal, the Crusaders finally broke through in the 63rd minute, when forward Lexi Fesenbeck’s corner connected with the head of defender Makena Dandley and sailed into the back of the net.
The goal was a huge blow to the Clan’s hopes and ended Sandhu’s chances at a clean sheet.
“It’s disappointing especially being on a set piece,” Sandhu said, adding that this is something that they will definitely work on in practice.
From that point on, SFU couldn’t generate much attack and, despite one crowd member’s high volume insistence that “you can do it,” the girls were unable to threaten NNU’s lead.
Adding insult to injury, the Crusaders doubled their lead in the last minute of play following a questionable non-call and sent the Clan off the pitch on a particularly sour note.
“I think the whole situation, that being a foul and not getting called rattled me a little bit,” Sandhu explained. “I think it was unfortunate and I don’t think [NNU] deserved those two goals.”
Despite losing their fifth straight game to what was most likely a beatable opponent, the Clan have not lost faith and believe that they will still be competitive going forward.
“We played really, really hard and the girls came out with a lot to prove,” Aguiar told The Peak. “It was a good game, just an unfortunate result.”
Sedins looking rejuvenated
Truthfully, it’s too early in the season to be singing the Canucks’ praises, especially as the majority of their competition has been from Alberta.
However, it’s hard not to get giddy watching them so far. They’re scoring goals, even power play goals, and they’re just fun to watch (even if their defence looks more than a little questionable at the moment).
But most of all, the Sedins appear to be rejuvenated — they look dangerous again. On nearly every play, they look like an offensive threat.
In their first two games, the Sedins combined for eight points, with Henrik getting two goals and two assists, while Daniel had four assists. Obviously that’s an incredibly small sample size, but it’s a comforting sight, even if just for a short time, to see them at an over a point per game pace.
Playing on the same line is new addition Radim Vrbata, who has been dynamite with the Sedins so far, already notching three points, two of them goals. This is a dangerous-looking line that seems like a match made in heaven.
This is a big jump from last year when people were questioning whether or not the Sedins were done, or at least done as elite first line forwards. If what we’ve seen so far is any indication, it would appear that they still have something to prove.
It also seems as though the rejuvenated Sedins equal a rejuvenated power play. The power play problem is one that goes further back than last season; for some reason, the feared Canucks power play seemed to have died in the aftermath of the 2011 Cup finals, replaced by an unsure, ineffective power play that usually served the other team better.
But now, we’re seeing glimpses of that long lost power play. The Canucks have still had a few terrible power plays, but they scored three goals on the advantage in their first two games. There have also been shifts where they don’t score a goal, but they do manage to keep up pressure and keep the momentum in their favour, rather than deflating it.
As I said before, it’s too early to say — especially considering that the Canucks have played mostly weaker teams, and they have yet to really get into the grind of an 82-game season — but what we’ve seen so far looks pretty good.
(A)side Jab: Why did the Canucks have a bye week now? Why not when they are all injured and wearied by a tough schedule, instead of two games in? It seems like a waste when the Canucks could probably use one later in the year.
