With so many Wikipedia articles floating around today, it’s hard to distinguish fact from the fantasmical. But The Peak’s got you covered with our very first installment of “Who invented it?,” a recurring column meant to tackle the tough, shrouded truths behind some of society’s most fascinating inventions. In this week’s edition, we’ll look at the first time people started buzzing over alcohol, who invented music festivals, and the correlation between greeting card companies and ol’ Saint Valentine.
Alcohol: invented by the karaoke industry
When karaoke was first introduced in the 1960s, it was an utter disaster. The absence of professional vocals confused patrons, who failed to recognize why embarrassing themselves onstage in front of friends and strangers would be desirable, much less enjoyable. A lurking sense of dignity continuously prevented people from selecting catchy pop songs from decades prior or attempting all of the rap parts in “Lose Yourself” to little success. The industry knew they had to take action; karaoke-goers needed something that would lower their guard, instantly allow them to be better dancers, and make even Ke$ha seem like a good idea. Alcohol was invented only a couple of months later.
Music festivals: collaboratively invented by several drug cartels
The sale of hallucinogens and other illegal substances reached an all-time low in 1968, forcing cartels to think creatively if their businesses were going to survive. No one wanted to smoke weed and then have to worry about getting called into work, or run the risk that their parents might unexpectedly drop by. But then it dawned on them: what if there was a way to avoid all of that commitment and paranoia? What if there was a place people could go to for three to four days where the only responsibility was maybe putting on pants in the morning; they could be free to smoke as much weed as they wanted, no longer inhibited by anything that might keep them from being inhibited. The following year, rock ‘n’ roll was bought out by several drug cartels and music festivals became a beacon for debauchery.
Greeting card companies: invented by Saint Valentine
Tired of having to use original words and thoughts to describe his feelings, Saint Valentine devised a brilliant scheme: he’d mass produce the same cheesy lines and rhyming couplets, and make them deliberately ambiguous so that anyone reading would assume the praise was about them, then pair each card with a size-appropriate envelope for the somehow reasonable price of $6. While the cards themselves were an utter waste of resources and capital — people rarely held onto them for longer than a couple of weeks after the special occasion had passed — the false sense of sincerity and relative ease of mass production resulted in greeting cards becoming a hit. Before he knew it, Saint Valentine had created the world’s first greeting card company.
