How to live like royalty at SFU

Universities have long been a stronghold for the elite and prestigious. Having a degree makes it much easier for the common folk to relate...

How to integrate being a hoe into your fall semester

1. Be prepared. No one wants to be sitting next to the person who needs a pen or piece of paper, and same goes...

Your awful summer romances as Pokémon

          Magikarp     When you were 16, you spent a whole month at summer camp being felt up by the kid with...

Real life monsters you may have forgotten about at SFU

With all the excitement over Pokémon Go, a lot of today’s youth have forgotten about the glories of observing real animals in the wild....

Inevitable gimmicks SFU admin will use to distract you from real campus issues

Dr. Petter Magic Mould Eraser™ The Dr. Petter Magic Mould Eraser™ is tough on university-eating fungus. This product is also guaranteed to keep nosy health and...

Butt Plugs that aren’t but should be on the market

By: Justin Stevens The Spring “Jumping your partner’s bones has never been this fun.”   The Feather Duster “Take that french maid fantasy to the next level.”   Mario Raccoon Tail “Hit...

Other stupid holidays white people are bound to advocate for

You may notice that we white people seem to ask for a whole load of stupid holidays. What most people don’t know, however, is...

New line of Dyson products announced

By: Vincent Justin Mitra, Peak Associate Dyson, makers of the iconic ball-based upright vacuums and blade-less electric fans, have recently announced their upcoming products at...

If SFU was more like Hogwarts . . .

Taking the stairs to class would be far more forgiving on your knees. Participation marks would suddenly become the most entertaining part of class. School...

The Crank Files: 2Pac and Kimbo Slice are alive in Cuba

This month we lost legendary MMA fighter Kimbo Slice — or at the very least, that’s what the media wants us to think. This...