SFSS turns Highland Pub into marijuana dispensary

In an effort to curb the constant money hemorrhaging of the Highland Pub, the Simon Fraser Student Society (SFSS) has decided to turn it into the City of Burnaby’s and SFU’s first marijuana dispensary.

“It’s a great idea. I don’t know why they didn’t do it sooner,” said Brendan Bunkis, a first-year business student. “Finally, I can indulge two of my passions — supporting student-run businesses and getting really, really stoned.”

The dispensary has a number of amenities, including a lounge area where students can discuss the latest Steven Universe episodes and how they can “totally start a YouTube channel.” It also includes on-site tutors who will be able to assist you in any schoolwork you have and help you roll a fat joint.

“The dispensary has been a lifeline for the SFSS,” said director of finance, Hangue Kim. “Not only has the entire debt of the old pub gone, but we actually have a surplus. Now, we can afford to book even more obscure EDM acts for our Spring Kickoff.”

But at what cost has the new attraction had on student performance? Some people, including Zoe Moore, a professor in the biology department, don’t see the benefits.

“SFU is a place of higher learning,” she explained. “Students should be focusing on furthering their education, not getting high on the devil’s pollen all day.

“Did you know that 100% of people who smoke marijuana die in their lifetime? It’s proven science.”

She also pointed to the fact that the cumulative GPA of undergraduates has fallen by 40% to a measly 2.25.

“Now, I’ve got students showing up to my lectures who just start laughing when I start discussing the female anatomy. They show up to quizzes high as a kite and just draw penises all over the paper. It’s not a conducive environment for learning.”

Reached for comment, the SFSS said it is working on a campaign to help educate students on the effects of marijuana use, but not before they decide what multimillion-dollar project to cancel next via Twitter.