By: Vincent Justin Mitra
Bystanders were shocked today when a reader of SFU’s campus newspaper, The Peak, continued to read articles despite the presence of a large spider actively crawling up their leg.
“I don’t know how they didn’t notice it,” commented one bystander. “Even just thinking about it makes my arms and legs itchy.”
This sighting coincides with recent reports of several escaped specimens from the newly opened SFU department of spiders, located 200 feet away from where you are now. The department is part of the university’s new and controversial spider major and spider certificate programs.
“Spiders are actually pretty nifty,” said Parker Jameson, dean of spider studies, in defence of the demonic hell-beasts he has chosen to study. “Did you know that 2,000 pounds of spiders can easily consume a 200-pound man?”
The spider, who has yet to be identified, is described by researchers as particularly hairy and “bitey” based on tests meant to replicate university conditions.
The reader, however, appeared to be completely ignorant of the location of the spider on their body or even that there was a spider on them at all. The reader’s only reaction was mild confusion at the shocked and horrified expressions on the staring faces of the witnesses, whom the reader walked past throughout the day.
“It was weird,” commented a passerby who asked to remain anonymous. “They looked right at it and then just went back to reading. It was like they couldn’t see it or something.”
Even if this is true, and the reader was in fact unable to see the spider, it is still unknown how they did not feel the spindly legs and bristly hairs against their bare skin nor the repeated and almost romantic way the spider’s mouthparts would press against the back and sides of the reader’s neck.
At the time of publishing, the spider was unable to be reached for comment.
People are advised to be on the lookout for the spider and to report any sightings to animal control or the Simon Fraser University department of spiders. The spider has been described by witnesses as being approximately five feet and seven inches and was last seen wearing red and blue tights.
