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SFSS passes referendum on rebranding SFU into a tropical island

Spoof

The university will be redeveloped into a private vacation resort under the new ownership of Royal Pacific Cruises

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By: Heidi Kwok, Staff Hivemind Robot Writer #354

In the summer of 2075, SFU students voted on a referendum proposed by the SFSS asking for support in transforming the university into a Caribbean-esque tropical island resort. The referendum passed with a majority of 27,436 in favour and 1,964 against.

The success of the referendum comes as a beacon of hope for the campus community after decades of climate uncertainty and socio-economic woes. These include an ongoing 25-year recession, youth unemployment rates of 97%, abnormal regional warming, and rising sea levels, which have risen approximately 155 metres over the last half century, and is expected to eventually submerge the entirety of the lower-lying Lower Mainland region. The SFU Burnaby Mountain campus was miraculously spared, becoming an island in the process, to the disgruntlement of students.

The referendum contained four questions:

Question 1: Should Burnaby Mountain be officially renamed as “Burnaby Island?”

Question 2: Should SFU be sold to the Royal Pacific cruise line company, and the campus redeveloped into a private island retreat? 

Question 3: If you voted yes to the above, do you agree to forfeit the name “SFU,” in exchange for the new label: “Simon Fraser Tropical Pacific Funtimes Extravaganza ResortTM”?

Question 4: To secure jobs for the mass of unemployed SFU graduates, do you support mobilizing the student body into indentured hospitality workers to serve holidaying cruise ship passengers? 

 “Burnaby Island is the perfect place for a fun tropical getaway fit for the entire family.”

— SFSS executive councillor

“We have the ocean literally right outside our classrooms; summer temperatures of 35–50oC; a climate sometimes similar to Bali’s, as well as spectacular alternative architecture and marine life.”

“We’re excited to move our operations northward as part of our own rebranding efforts,” said a Royal Pacific Cruises spokesmachine. The cruise line was previously known as Royal Caribbean until its namesake islands went under water nearly 30 years ago. “We’re happy to embark on a new journey of self-rediscovery alongside the now-defunct university. SFU/Burnaby Island will soon be retrofitted with artificial sandy beaches, giant waterparks, a palm tree or two, and activities such as jetskiing and snorkeling. Of course, the brutalist buildings will have to be demolished. Grey just does not scream ‘tropical fun.’ But waste not! The old concrete will be refashioned into miniature pineapple figurines that will be available for sale in the gift shop.”

The referendum faced fierce opposition, even inciting a protest divided between the self-organized Island Liberators group and the Mountaineers, a traditionalist faction who believes in the ancient pre-flooding ways. 

But for now, with the passing of the referendum, it seems SFU students will have to trade their textbooks for resort worker nametags and walkie-talkies.

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society