By: Noeka Nimmervoll, Staff Diva

I just got back from a date, and . . . wow. There might be a lot of fish in the sea, but damn, the sea is POLLUTED. This guy was a nightmare! He picked me up, and girl, he didn’t even look like his Tinder profile pic — but I wanted to give it a chance. 

FIRST MISTAKE. He had a cute butt, but he looked like a surfer with his too-tight t-shirt and cargo shorts. Babes, it’s November. Get yourself a jacket. And comb your hair! The surfer look hasn’t been in since, like, Jaws 2. But you know, he was kinda cute. He had these big buck teeth that peeked out even when he wasn’t talking. I like that.

He picks me up in his beat-up Toyota Corolla. He tells me he’s gonna make me dinner, which I love. I love myself a guy with a plan — I’m totally jiving with his energy at this point! We’re chatting, laughing while he drives us to Superstore. He tells me to wait in the car, and five minutes later — GET THIS — comes back with a frozen pizza. A FROZEN PIZZA? Honey, I love frozen pizza. But DON’T PRETEND like that is cooking me dinner! At least he paid for it.

Anyways, we go to his place because we’ve been talking about Clueless, and he’s like, “I’ve never seen it,” and I’m like, “Gag, you’ve gotta watch it.” So we’re en route for a cute evening, right? Frozen pizza and my favourite movie. The night’s not exactly what I expected, but we roll with it, y’know. 

So we get inside. His place is pretty decent, actually. We get the movie all set up and the pizza’s in the oven. Clueless is playing, Cher is her fabulous self, then the timer on the oven beeps. The boy looks straight at me, and says, “This is the worst part.” He goes to the oven and pulls out the pizza with his bare fucking hands, RACK AND ALL, screaming at the top of his lungs. He runs all across the room, with the rack still in his hands, and takes it into his washroom. There, still screaming, he applies toothpaste all over his hands and pizza. He then comes running back, panting like a dog, and says, “You want some pizza, baby girl? It’s all chill now! Can’t have you eating scorched pizza and cuddling with burnt hands. Hehehehehe-hahahaha-hehehe.”

Jesus motherfuckin’ Christ. This is what I fucking get for being open-minded.

I told my girlfriend about this guy and she said, “What did you do after??” I said, “Girl, I got the hell out of there!” She said, “Well, you could’ve at least eaten the pizza. It’s dinner, ain’t it?” So, I don’t talk to that bitch anymore either. She doesn’t get it!!!

Is the bar in hell? Is that not unbelievable behaviour? Girls, what are you putting up with? ‘Cause personally, I am SICK of these silly men ruining my peace. This time tomorrow, if you need me, you can find me in the local nunnery. It’s not “Baby, where the hell is my husband” anymore. Now, it’s “Baby, I Don’t Need a Husband.” I might not even be joking. Stay single, ladies.