By: Ashi, Multiverse 538.10.1.4’s top-grossing divinator 

How long will this government survive? Read on to find out! Remember to follow my TikTok for exclusive digital palm reading. 

Hiiii, lovelies! Welcome back to my Federal Future Forecast Series, where I ask Spirit to guide us on matters of federal governance. Remember to take what resonates, leave what doesn’t, and follow my TikTok to claim unexpected abundance. 

As always, I’m broadcasting from my yacht near my West Van home. Not flexing. I’m just so grateful, you guys! My cat-flatmate, Sir Meowmixx (I let TikTok name him), is also participating in this reading. I know SFU students, like many in this city, are struggling to manage rising living expenses, and I relate to you guys so deeply. This is why Sir Meowmixx now contributes to rent through a separate “pet fund” that my dad set up. I mean, we all got to stick together in these difficult times, you know? 

On with the ritual! As I place the tarot deck under my ring light, I gently ask the Spirit to show us Canada’s future. But my spiritual companion, Sir Meowmixx, immediately body-slams the deck. Uh-oh! Cards go flying everywhere, but as divinely guided, what lands in front of me is the Death card. In divination terms, this indicates a massive transformation, aka Carney’s recently passed austerity budget. Honestly, the haunted vibes from political economy analysts are clouding my connection to Harper’s ghost, but he does send his nod of approval. Yay! 

I reshuffle for clarity and pull out The Lovers card. Spirit tells me this budget comes from a karmic entanglement between Carney’s banker friends and the poor public, and who am I to question cosmic truth? It is a promising time, a sacred union between Carney and the country’s richest men.

Meanwhile, I know you’re worried that the House of Commons must decide between another election or cutting essential services. But Spirit is clear: this is the right time to buy more flying machines that go pew-pew. How about critiquing messed up government policy, dearest Spirit? Or Asking the minority government to negotiate so we avoid an election? Apparently, it’s not allowed. According to Carney, if you don’t agree with the budget, you hate your country and want to watch Trump stomp on every single grandma (and her bingo group) over and over again. Phew, good thing we prevented that. What about the Canada Public Transit Fund cuts? Honestly, I guess no one takes the bus anymore anyways? 

Now, let’s read some tea leaves, shall we? At the bottom of the cup, I also see . . . a gopher? This symbolizes Poilievre’s loss of control over his party. And next to it is the silhouette of a traitor? Seems like the Conservatives can’t decide whether they’re ghosting Carney or soft-launching a collab. 

I mean, given that five planets are in retrograde right now, the stars do show unimaginable success — for Carney and his polycule. Less so for workers already hit by tariffs, single mothers hunting for childcare, overworked healthcare staff, and like honestly, anyone with internal organs. But don’t worry! The universe is so magical, and you too can manifest your dream life with my new online manifestation course. 

Full disclosure, learning from Uncle Carney, this course is co-designed by AI. This is how I plan to “supercharge” and streamline my practice, something we planned over a family dinner with my mother’s cousin’s college roommate’s brother, who just happens to be one of the founders of the AI company, Cohere. Such a small world, right? 

For the final prediction, the tea leaves twist into a double helix: a sacred symbol of the longevity of this glorious government. Apparently, we won’t have to worry about an election before Christmas, because the budget passed . . . but who knows? Elizabeth May might decide to become a Conservative! Thank you, Spirit, for this beautiful reading. Don’t forget to tune in next week, where I ask the Spirit what Justin Trudeau and Katy Perry’s relationship means for Canadians. Billing this to taxpayers, as per federal protocol. To claim blessings from this reading, don’t forget to somersault three times and whisper “Carney” into a teacup at 4:00 a.m. Toodaloo, darlings!