By: Mason Mattu, Humour Editor and an executive producer with Hallmark 

MAGGIE BENSTON CENTRE – REGISTRAR SERVICES DESK 

SIMON FRASER UNIVERSITY 

HOLLY is conversing with REGISTRAR OFFICE LADY. The room is grey with no Christmas decorations in sight. 

HOLLY

(to REGISTRAR OFFICE LADY) 

Yes, that’s Holly. H-O-L-L-Y. I know, you probably haven’t met many people around here with my name — I’m kinda named after Christmas! I said goodbye to the small-town life and moved to New York to start a career in professional Christmas tree tinsel placing at Macy’s. I had to make it as a small-town Burnaby girl with passion, a Christmasy name, and my $500,000 trust fund from grand papa! Then, my boss told me that I had to come back to my wee little small town to get a university degree, or my job would go to Tinsel Jolly Smitherseen, my worst enemy! I’m looking to enroll in Tinselology? 

REGISTRAR OFFICE LADY 

(to HOLLY, overly emotive expressions) 

I hate to break it to you, but we don’t have any of those festive degrees. Our new donor made it illegal to have any holiday decorations or vibes on campus! Concrete only. 

A man enters the frame. 

BARTHOLEMEWL  

(to HOLLY, brushing his hair) 

Holly Jolly Mistletoe Macy’s? Is that you? Why, I haven’t seen you since — 

HOLLY AND BARTHOLEMEWL

(to each other, at the same time) 

The Huffle-Pinkle-Tonkle-Wizzle-Burnaby North High School Christmas Baking Contest of ‘09???

Both HOLLY and BARTHOLEMEWL look at each other passionately. Holly applies chapstick. 

HOLLY 

(to BARTHOLEMEWL) 

Bartholemewl, you stole my special cupcake batter so your sister could win the contest. And to think we were going to get married after high school . . . 

BARTHOLEMEWL 

(to HOLLY) 

Let us let bygones be bygones, beautiful. I overheard that you were in a rivalry with Tinsel Jolly Smitherseen. The Smitherseen family is evil — they want to buy the university and UniverCity and turn it into a Halloween pumpkin patch! And the university will stay a concrete jungle forever! 

HOLLY

(to BARTHOLEMEWL, gasping and hyperventilating) 

They can’t Halloween-ify my new campus! 

BARTHOLEMEWL 

(interrupting HOLLY)

I have a plan that will save Christmas. We’ll decorate the campus with so many Christmas decorations. Then, we’ll trick all the faculties to put Christmas trees in convocation mall . . . tell them that it’s for forest fire awareness week. 

HOLLY 

(to BARTHOLEMEWL) 

Put our past aside and save this little small town from being smushed by those anti-Christmas birches? 

REGISTRAR OFFICE LADY 

(to both HOLLY and BARTHOLEMEWL)

You’re the only one who can save Christmas! 

BARTHOLEMEWL kneels down on one knee. He is holding a ring pop in his hand. Holly gasps. 

BARTHOLEMEWL 

(to Holly)

Holly, I know that if we do this together, we can save SFU. You really roast my chestnuts when I’m around you . . . I’d like a second chance. Let’s get married and save this school together! Holly Jolly Mistletoe Macy’s — will you merry me? 

 HOLLY

(to the sky)

You mean we have to put our past aside and save this town and our relationship? And throughout our adventure, we’ll face ups and downs that will lead the audience to think we’re going to split up but we end up together in the end? YES! 

HOLLY and BARTHOLEMEWL share a peck (not a kiss — this would go against Hallmark’s commitment to not highlighting premarital sex). The ring pop is placed on HOLLY’s hand. 

Catch the rest of  Love on the Mountaintop, exclusively streaming at Images Theatre on December 24!