By: Lucaiah Smith-Miodownik, Entrepreneur 

Yes, I still go trick-or-treating, just not for the candy. 

What a lot of people without the Beedie mindset don’t realize is that Halloween is the perfect networking opportunity. See, while everyone else is going door to door picking up sweet treats and playing make-believe, I’m out there hustling and grinding.

For anyone else looking to make some money moves this All Hallows’ Eve, read on to see my foolproof plan.*

You’re familiar with the show Shark Tank, right? Think about trick-or-treating as a similar sort of investment opportunity. See, Halloween is the one night of the year when you know people will be at home, answering their door. Why not take advantage? Every October 31, I put on my “costume” (fanciest suit), head to the richest neighbourhood I can find, and start knocking. Consider it like Trickle-Down Treatonomics. 

Here are a couple of my most successful product pitches from the past few years going door-to-door. 

The Tishirt

Ever have that sudden urge to sneeze, only there’s not a single tissue in sight? Well, picture this: a discreet pocket sewn onto the inside of your shirt, specially designed to hold your napkins, serviettes, handkerchiefs, etc. The moment your nose tingles, you just reach in and pull one out . . . and voilà! Your friends will see and will be begging to know how you just sneezed so chill and nonchalantly. Snot’s snot a problem with The Tishirt.™

This one was a huge hit. And by that, I mean one kind investor gave me $11 to leave their property and never come back. Turns out the live snot demo wasn’t as appreciated as I’d hoped. C’mon, that’s just good marketing! Plus, that $11 paid for three more boxes of tissues (I’m using that premium good stuff). 

The Pet Translator

Have you ever wished you could know what your dog, cat, bird, or fish was saying? Same. That is, until I invented The Pet Translator. Basically, this machine uses state-of-the-art technology and groundbreaking artificial intelligence to translate whatever your pet has to say into your preferred language. As it turns out, my pet worm has a lot more going on in his life than I realized. His mortgage is due, and group wiggling and squirming is postponed for the third time this week.

This one also drew lots of investors. While a few did decide to point out that my invention resembled nothing but a paper towel tube wrapped in pipe cleaners with a spork taped on one end, that’s simply the price you have to pay when you’re single-handedly pushing scientific progress forward. In total, I made $4 and a half-eaten KitKat bar in exchange for -2% equity in my company. (I was banned from the neighbourhood for breaking into a house to speak with a pet lizard, and the authorities confiscated my invention prototype.)

The Alphabike

Whoever said we don’t need to reinvent the wheel clearly didn’t have a passion for innovation. Picture this: A bike that types when pedalled. Simply complete a one-wheel rotation for the letter A, two for B, and so on. Now you can enjoy a nice afternoon ride and knock out your emails, all at the same time. With a miniature computer attached to the handlebars, you can see what you’re writing in real time. When traffic gets busy, the technology will automatically power off, allowing you to focus on the road. (Seriously, please don’t get in an accident; I can’t afford any more lawsuits.) For emojis, simply pedal backwards.

To be honest, I’m still working on tapping into the right consumer base for this one. Apparently, for many people, the whole point of a bike ride is to leave the emails at home and relax? Let me be clear, emails are not the only function of the alphabike. We’re actually working on a new design rollout that lets you scroll, online gamble, and more. Once I corner the market on the iPhone gaming cyclist enthusiast hybrids, this thing is going to be doing numbers, so I suggest buying in now while you still can.

For anyone out there tired of simply hauling candy in a pillowcase, try looking for investments this Halloween. Trust me, you probably won’t regret it.

*Results may vary.