By: C Icart, Humour Editor
Aries
March 21–April 19
“It’s private, but no.”
The stars think you should spend more time telling nosy people to mind their business, and then still answer their questions.
Taurus
April 20–May 20
“Um, Shabana. Would you like to speak, Shabana?”
You are the centre of attention whenever you walk into a room, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be humble. Behind every great woman, there’s a Shabana. Don’t forget to shout out yours.
Gemini
May 21–June 20
“I’m launching a Bitcoin under Onijah Styles LLC.”
The stars foresee big financial success for you. Once you lose all your money buying meme coins, you’ll have no choice but to learn financial literacy!
Cancer
June 21–July 22
“I would like to clear the air. Anything that you hear that’s not true, that’s not true. OK? Thank you.”
The stars need you to know that haters will make up lies about you, but you shouldn’t pay attention to them at all. It’s all a distraction, and you’re too booked and busy to pay attention.
Leo
July 23–August 22
“I’m here to open up real estate and build houses in the back and pools for the people.”
Did you know there’s an atrocious amount of brokerage reality TV shows? The stars call it the Selling Sunsetification of Netflix and they recommend that you tune in. You won’t learn anything about real estate, but once in a while someone wears a cute outfit.
Virgo
August 23–September 22
“I’m getting my Pakistani passport and Pakistani ID. I’m getting it. Do y’all agree?”
Interacting with literally any government agency is a pain in the butt, but not for you. The stars predict you will get every document you need with ease. You just need to walk in there and tell the employee you’re getting it.
Libra
September 23–October 22
“I demand from the government more than $5,000 USD to make Pakistan a better place. Goodnight.”
Libra, your assertive era begins today. You know what you want and it’s time to demand it from one branch of government at a time.
Scorpio
October 23–November 21
“I’m from here, now.”
Identity, citizenship, and belonging are all deeply personal and complex things. You know where you’re from and you know where you’re going. Don’t let anyone use your passport against you ever.
Sagittarius
November 22–December 21
“I’m Muslim and it’s against my religion to tell you my business. Have a nice day.”
Regardless of your religion, the stars do advise that you stop telling people your business. You’re not famous enough for it to ever come back and bite you, but still, spare us.
Capricorn
December 22–January 19
“I don’t live here, I’m chilling. It’s none of your business. Now, go home.”
Have you been getting an increase in spam/scam calls recently? Well, if putting your number on a Do Not Call List does not work (it doesn’t we tried), consider answering the phone with this quote moving forward.
Aquarius
January 20–February 18
“I’m asking for $100K or more. I need $20K by this week, in my pocket, in cash.”
Manifest that money Aquarius! If you do not ask, you will not receive. Ask your boss for a raise, ask your mom for allowance, ask your little sister for her piggy bank, or more!
Pisces
February 19–March 20
“I’m not talking, unless y’all giving me land and $2,000 or more every week. You hear me?”The stars need you to know your worth, Pisces. The spirit of collaboration is OUT! That guy who never comes to class is asking you what he missed in yesterday’s lecture? Don’t give it for free! NAME YOUR PRICE!
