By: Phone Min Thant, Staff Writer

Welcome to Simon Fraser University. You are yet another facility students pay dearly for, only to find out that you are still recovering from the damages of your first year. Take this quiz to find out which of such facilities you are.

Your professor assigned you a group project on the first day of class with a deadline set for the end of the semester. How would you prepare for the project?

1. Tell your groupmates you’ll handle the most important parts of the project and put everything off until the last minute. Your procrastination screws everyone over.
2. Take a relatively unimportant part of the project and . . . procrastinate. It’s still annoying that you aren’t pulling your weight, but hey, you’re busy on your quest to unlock the secret to immortality. It’s good not to do your schoolwork for the greater good, right?
3. Annoy your groupmates every morning at 3:00 a.m., asking for updates on their work. Don’t let them go back to sleep until they give you an update (even if the update is an angry text telling you to go back to sleep). Panic at any minor inconvenience.
4. Try your best, but at the end of the day, your brain will remain clogged.

Your sleepy 8:30 a.m. lecture is over. What are you having for early lunch before your 12:30 p.m. tutorial?

1. Let’s have a large meal. You need energy for a long day! First, get a large latte from Blenz. Then, visit A&W for some burgers and fries. Hop onto Togo Sushi for some rolls. Finish off with dessert at Timmies. After you’re all done, your credit card is maxed out, and you’re late for your tutorial.
2. Look for the meal that will aid in your search for the greater good. What does that even mean? Oops! You took too long to think about it and missed your tutorial.
3. Nothing too smoky, please! Any strong smell or smoke makes me panic!
4. You know your friends’ meal will make them run to the washroom later. You also know the washrooms are out of order. Skip lunch, but don’t do anything to inform your friends of what you know.

Let’s take a break from school and do some leisurely reading. Which book will you choose?

1. War and Peace. Nothing will strengthen your ego and increase your personal satisfaction more than tackling a thousand pages of Napoleonic drama. You won’t get past the first chapter, though.
2. Utilitarianism. Nothing reflects your viewpoints more than John Stuart Mill’s classic defence of the pursuit of all things good. Keep a dictionary beside you.
3. Campbell Biology (Third Canadian Edition). No leisure in reading — you only read to study. Panic when you don’t understand a single word.
4. Reading doesn’t matter as long as all the entertainment you need is being provided by your friends ranting about blocked toilets. Listen, but don’t ruin your peace by offering help.

It’s finally reading break!!! What are you planning to do?

1. Sleep. Sleeping is the best. No studies, no hangouts, and a hundred missed calls because your phone is constantly on Do Not Disturb. 
2. The greater good! No break will stop your pursuit of the greater good. You still refuse to study and do your assignments on time, though. How many days has it been since you last replied to your project team’s group chat?
3. What reading break?? Everyone should also be on edge for their finals. What about the term papers? And the presentation? Wake up every morning at 3:00 a.m., panicking. Don’t go back to sleep until someone assures you your worries are false.
4. Take a restful break and just chill. Your family seems to be agitated about something related to the washrooms but that’s not your matter.

The semester is nearly over and you want to do something physical. What are you doing?

1. Anything but swimming!
2. Cleaning and tidying the attic! This is for the greater good of society, by the way.
3. Cooking — wait why am I panicking?!
4. Sprint to the nearest working washroom!!!
   

Results:

If you chose mostly (1)’s . . . 

You are the renovations of the Lorne Davies Complex. We can tell you like to boast grand schemes and promises but take your time achieving them. Of course, your procrastination also annoys everyone else because your overconfidence creates false expectations. You also really hate swimming.

If you chose mostly (2)’s . . . 

You are the renovations of the W.A.C. Bennett Library (fifth floor). In the name of the greater good (in SFU’s case, clearing asbestos), you skip deadlines, irritate those who rely on you, and forget about your assignments. I’m not saying the pursuit of the greater good is bad, but speed it up, maybe.

If you chose mostly (3)’s . . .

My friend, you represent the collective of fire alarms in Residences. Sensitive, panicky, and extremely infuriating night or day, you are someone who does their work but perhaps you shouldn’t panic about it all the time. Please allow your friends to relax a bit or you will be the boy who cried wolf.

If you chose mostly (4)’s . . .

You are the unrepaired men’s washroom toilets of the Northeast tower of SFU Residences. You seem to forget you are an essential part of people’s lives and that fixing yourself will do a lot more good to others around you. But, do you fix yourself? No. It has nearly been a full term since you have been bad to your friends!