By: Tam Nguyen, Staff Writer

Aries
March 21–April 19

Breaking news: Aries, Queen Bee of the New York Socialites, is stepping down after her scandalous angry outburst at her friend because “she chews too loud.” I wonder who’s next in line to the throne? 

Taurus
April 20–May 20

Spotted fleeing without dessert at a three-Michelin-starred restaurant in Manhattan, self-proclaimed food critic Taurus announced, “These restaurants ain’t shit,” and she could make better lime cheesecake. 

Gemini
May 21–June 20

Spotted: Gemini is heartbroken after confessing his unrequited love for his best friend. Can our Casanova, who charms everyone and ghosts them the next day, truly fall for someone? Shocking. Who knew the famous playboy turned out to be a lover boy?

Cancer
June 21–July 22

After three tequila shots, our innocent, kind-hearted princess, Cancer, was spotted going wild at the club. It looks like the little princess is not so little anymore. Are we witnessing the rising of a new Queen Bee?

Leo
July 23–August 22

Rumour has it the former Queen Bee got defeated. Everyone turns to the new it girl, Leo, to be the next on the throne. Let’s see how long the new Queen with the sharpest eyeliner would last this time. 

Virgo
August 23–September 22

Spotted: lonely boy Virgo is cleaning his living room for the fifth time this morning. Seems like he’s expecting some special guests. Seems like lonely boy isn’t lonely anymore. 

Libra
September 23–October 22

Hey, Upper East Siders, serial dater Libra has been single and independent for over 30 days. Rumour has it our certified lover boy wants to get back to the dating game soon. Watch out ladies.

Scorpio
October 23–November 21

Spotted on a date with CEO of a billionaire empire, our ambitious social climber Scorpio is getting her Prada bag regardless. Don’t forget to get your best friend a Dior purse, never forget to pay your debts.

Sagittarius
November 22–December 21

Word is that our bad girl has gone good. No more rave and clubbing, just a cup of hot tea and doom scrolling in bed by 10 this fall semester. I wonder what happened with the sudden changes? May the truth unfold soon.

Capricorn
December 22–January 19

Look like Little C keeps getting her shit done no matter how many times haters wish for her downfall. Great game, C. Upper Easiders, you gonna need to step up the game if you wanna go toe-to-toe with C.

Aquarius
January 20–February 18

Spotted: alternative, patchwork tattoos, self-proclaimed feminist Aquarius got caught listening to Andrew Tate’s podcast. Such an embarrassing turn of events for the president of the local chapter of “the cis hetero men championing female-identifying students league.” Sometimes, the truth is better sealed tightly. 

Pisces
February 19–March 20

Rumor has it Pisces and her best girlfriend break up over kissing the same girl. Jeez . . . lesbians need to come up with a new girl code cause they’re gonna date the same person anyway. 

XOXO — Gossip Girl