When you can’t graduate on time because that one last course you need isn’t offered

I guess I’ll be fashionably late to convocation station

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Someone walking up stairs. A missing stair is preventing them from reaching their destination which is graduation.
ILLUSTRATION: Angela Shen / The Peak

By: Hailey Miller, Staff Writer

Nothing’s more exhilarating than knowing you’re one course away from graduation. Just one more semester, and you’ll finally have grown from a little caterpillar studying in a field most people haven’t heard of to a beautiful butterfly with snazzy credentials no one will even remotely understand. The sweet victory of getting a flimsy piece of paper to denote your degree is just a sweaty handshake and a stumbly step across the stage away, with an incorrect name pronunciation as the cherry on top.

You’ve mentally prepared and plotted the last pesky course you must take. All that remains of your degree requirements is one of the following: Graduation Station 400, Straight Outta SFU 400, Convocation Club 400, or Mastered It 800. You’re praying to registration that your computer screen doesn’t freeze.

Go, graduate, go! Course registration time has opened, and you’re more excited than a raccoon digging through an overflowing trash can in the AQ. Eagerly, you scroll past the useless courses you’ve already forgotten about. Did you even take Honour Roll Know-It-All 400? For graduate’s sake! Are they really going to make you pay fees that even a loan can’t cover for some useless last course? You’ll have to set up a GoFundMe just to submit your graduation application! 

Only one option is available on the list: Graduation Station 400. You smash your keyboard and chaotically click your mouse with greater pomp and circumstance than the graduation song itself.

Error: cannot register. This course is not available for the next three (3) semesters. Please try again next year.

Dread and dismay fill your day as you anxiously reload the page, hoping the issue will resolve itself. Suddenly, you can no longer smell course completion in the air. 

Please choose one of the following for when your graduation is a year late, and you can’t invite any guests because audiences are so passé:

Trips and Falls at Convo Mall 400, Wrong Regalia Wearer 500, Scraped By in the Blink of an Eye 500, or Barely Passed 800. 

Please note: Graduates must also enrol in Can’t Afford the Convocation Fee 400. Otherwise, their fashionably late, hot (graduation) date with bidding SFU adieu won’t go through.

You sigh in disbelief. You waited over four years for this crappy course selection to really tie it all together and put a big, ugly, colour-clashing bow on top of a degree you won’t get for at least another year? That is, if the whole program doesn’t get cut first. Might as well forget it all now. Drop everything and move on! Who needs a degree anyway? Honour Roll Know-It-Alls are so last convocation.

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