By: Amrit Kamaal, Peak Associate
Aries
March 21–April 19
You’re built completely different. Look at you getting last-minute candy in the Burnaby campus vending machine room, which is a real room solely dedicated to vending machines. You also made sure to hit up those random gumball and hard fruit candy dispensers at the laundromat that are like $0.25 (the low price is to account for the fact that they’re not sure when the last restock was). Your best score was from sweet-talking the tables at club day. #NoShameInYourGame
Taurus
April 20–May 20
I know it’s June now, but happy late Mother’s Day; you really serve mother energy every time. Taurus, you are the parental figure of the group, and I know how desperately you want the perfect TikTok video. You’re the one who set this whole thing up! You are the type to bring an extra box of fun-sized candy, two bottomless bags of peach rings, and the literal BOWL. Unlike the usual beige Instagram mom post, the bowl has a plethora of colours. #NoMoreSadBeigeBabies
Gemini
May 21–June 20
Now, Gemini, you guys not only understood the assignment, you MADE it. I see you basically making the salad on your own with over six bags of candy. Not just any candy, but the expensive, Costco-sized bags of Sour Patch Kids, Trolli, and Maynards (Swedish Berries are the best, argue with the wall).
Cancer
June 21–July 22
Honestly, HiChews and Starburst are an automatic win in my book. Those candies and I are like this insert crossed finger emoji here. But please, for the love of god, unwrap before we hit record, honey! The keyboard warriors will be furious in the comments over the 0.2 seconds it takes to unwrap each piece. But it’s all love. I appreciate the vision and the immaculate taste.
Leo
July 23–August 22
Sweetie, I need you to give us all a break here and put away those KitKats, m’kay? Bringing chocolate to the candy salad is one thing. It’s considerate and cute, so we love that. I’m more of a chocolate girlie myself. However, do not even think of combining them to melt in the same bowl with the fruity, sour salad. That’s absolutely foul! I went to Candy Salad Island and they have several laws against this.
Virgo
August 23–September 22
As a Virgo, sometimes y’all are a bit extra with the whole “quirky” girl persona, but it’s lovable. You’ll, of course, bring a good amount of candy, no questions asked. However, the candy is just so unexpected. You’ll choose the most bodacious, unheard-of flavours, like “seawater chocolate” flavoured gummies with a random background character of Spongebob (if you know, you know). You do you, I guess.
Libra
September 23–October 22
Libra, we are supposed to build this candy salad together. If you’re going to gatekeep candy, don’t get caught! As a certified sweet tooth, I understand that the parasites and demons in you want the candy, but be cautious of any cameras when you’re gripping that Skittles bag like it’s going to run away. You wouldn’t wanna have to set up the tripod and throw your hair in a messy bun for your fourth apology video this month.
Scorpio
October 23–November 21
I know that while waiting for that one ex to call you back, you may start scarfing down the whole bag you brought through tears. I guess your contribution still means something, but try not to get tears in the Nerd Gummy Clusters, OK?
Sagittarius
November 22–December 21
OK look, the vintage look is cute, we love to see it. But the vintage taste, is a whole other thing. Raiding your grandmother’s purse for those caramel and strawberry candies that seem impossible to find in–store. That’s fine, OK, we’ll tolerate it, but word of advice, lose the raisins, yeah?
Capricorn
December 22–January 19
You are just plain evil, you want to watch the world burn. Keep yourself at home with those prank Russian roulette games like Bean Boozled. No one is looking forward to biting into some random brown jellybean that’s either “Swedish caramel” or “gargoyle surprise.”
Aquarius
January 20–February 18
What do you mean you bought “candy” from a thrift store?
Pisces
February 19–March 20
Hey bestie, we need you to turn off that “Do Not Disturb” mode and set up an extra loud ringer because the plans just changed last minute (again). You find out one hour before the function that the group decided to do a “candy salad” instead of “slime” night. So, once you get to the nearest Walmart after panic-driving from Home Depot with a gallon of clear liquid glue in the passenger seat, just buy the “default” candy, AKA the package everyone brought. #90PercentSkittles
