By: Kelly Chia, Editor-in-Stars
Aries
March 21–April 19
I think you should punch your midterm. Not in class, because that would be embarrassing. But metaphorically, you should punch it for all the stress it’s caused you. Giving the exam a good ol’ two-bit punch should set you straight for the rest of your term.
Taurus
April 20–May 20
The Stars think that you should hop into a 50-metre pool at the community centre immediately. They think you’ll learn something new among the waters, surrounded by children whizzing past you at breakneck speed. Maybe it’s humility? Maybe it’s just chlorine! Either way, go — swim to your fishy dreams.
Gemini
May 21–June 20
You’re so clever, Gemini, but you have to learn to stop chasing arguments, babe! They’re not all worth it. Do you really want to die on a hill arguing about the need for hot school mascots? Well, maybe you do, that’s not the Stars’ prerogative. Either way, stop fighting people!
Cancer
June 21–July 22
You should make a “funky” cookie recipe. We strongly encourage incorporating a fun ingredient that becomes your signature, like sriracha or garlic. You don’t know! It could turn out good? The Stars think it could help boost that cool girl factor you’ve been curating since grade school.
Leo
July 23–August 22
The Stars have considered you in your entirety and are wondering if you need someone to tell you you’re going to be okay. They have sent you a companion to help you take care of yourself. His name is Freddie. Please be nice to him.
Virgo
August 23–September 22
Virgo, I really need you to sit down and be honest with yourself about your limits. No, you can’t get by this week on three Red Bulls and a kitschy bootstrappin’ attitude. Just because you’ve pulled off three group projects by yourself (no thanks to your group members) doesn’t mean you should! It’s time to take a walk.
Libra
September 23–October 22
Let go of that grudge. Pick one of five grudges you have, and toss that sucker through the windows. Yes, it’s really that easy! If you believe it’s gone, the Stars will whisk it away into our pile of grudges. We’re stockpiling, so really this is a charity act for us.
Scorpio
October 23–November 21
Oh, you know you have this semester on lockdown, and you don’t need any advice from us. Hey, if nothing else, you’re doing great, pardner. We really admire your gusto. Maybe you can share if you’re feeling generous.
Sagittarius
November 22–December 21
You’ve been listening to a lot of Noah Kahan lately, huh? We suggest you fully immerse yourself in character and run right into the forest, away from your problems. What’s that? Is this the advice we give to Florence & the Machine and Hozier listeners? Maybe. Is it productive? We don’t know, let us know after you’ve formed an emotional connection with a tree, and tell us.
Capricorn
December 22–January 19
For a change, you should roleplay as your favourite sitcom character to give you strength. No one knows how to react when you toss them quirky one-liners, and they shouldn’t. You’ve gotta learn to internalize that main character energy, it’ll give you strength for the long road you have ahead of you!
Aquarius
January 20–February 18
Have you considered starting a band? We think you’d be a really good bassist. You have the vibes of a member that carries the band that is underappreciated by casual listeners, but beloved by fans. We just thought you might like to hear this today. Rock on!
Pisces
February 19–March 20
A wise dog will approach you, carrying your fortune. But for now, you have us! Try wearing purple this week. You’ll attract power, and the wisdom of wizards, something you’ll find dearly useful in these trying times. We know you have the power to command your own journey! Or maybe we’ve been playing a lot of Baldur’s Gate 3 lately . . .
