By: Hana Hoffman, Peak Associate
Aries
March 21–April 19
Change your phone wallpaper to something that will yell at you to do work. How about a photo of Nicki Minaj with the caption, “Barbs stay in school!” Or a picture of your favourite video game with the caption, “You wanna play? You have to earn it.” Bonus points if you also use that audio as your ringtone and alarm. Be creative!
Taurus
April 20–May 20
You pay for your SFU gym membership in your tuition. 99% of people who promise they’ll take advantage of their membership throughout the semester only end up working out twice, both in the first week of school. I want to be your witness when you’re working on your fitness!
Gemini
May 21–June 20
Make one trip to do all your groceries. Buy those 100-pack instant noodles, 50 pounds of minute rice, and 300 granola bars. If you want to have time to study this semester, you’ve got to be able to make meals in one minute. Who knows when you’ll have a chance to attend Guy Fieri’s Grocery Games?
Cancer
June 21–July 22
Get a pair of anti-slip, waterproof, ice-proof, grippy shoes with straps instead of laces. If you’ve lived here in the fall and winter, you know what the weather is like. And once the temperature gets low, your hands will be so frozen they won’t be able to untie your laces when you get home.
Leo
July 23–August 22
New school year means new sticker collection! Go to some random marketing stands or wander around the SUB until someone hands you free stickers. You could also buy those cute animal stickers at the dollar store. Make the back of your laptop unforgettable so your professors can always notice you in the lecture room and remember how awesome your computer was.
Virgo
August 23–September 22
Clear your entire drive, whether it’s Google Drive, OneDrive, or whatever you use today. It’s a true nightmare getting constant notifications saying, “your storage is 99% full.” Where will you keep all your videos from the Coldplay concert and hilarious videos of your dog and cat chasing each other??? Oof, just make a new email address and get the free storage plan again.
Libra
September 23–October 22
Invest in roller blades. As students, we don’t have a single minute to waste. Rolling down the hallways and across campus in Heelys instead of walking is estimated to save you 28.73 seconds per 100 metres (just an educated guess by me). And sometimes that’s the bit of extra time you need when you’re submitting an assignment on Canvas right before midnight.
Scorpio
October 23–November 21
Get your Halloween and Christmas shopping over with! Prove to yourself you’re not a pro procrastinator. You know you’ll be studying for your midterm the night before Halloween and staying up all night wrapping presents on Christmas Eve. Why not avoid all this stress for once?
Sagittarius
November 22–December 21
Take a nice long walk down a trail to mentally recover from the realization of midterms approaching. Go bananas and swing from branch to branch. Who knows when you’ll ever have time to inhale fresh air while you lock yourself indoors for months trying to catch up on weekly readings and assignments?
Capricorn
December 22–January 19
Hey Capricorn! I know you think you should be studying for midterms, but the stars actually want you to binge-watch all the seasons of your favourite show one last time before you start drowning in schoolwork. Just soak in all the good parts so you can replay them in your head when you’re bored in class.
Aquarius
January 20–February 18
Give your phone a leash like it’s your pet, and you can’t lose sight of it. How annoying is it to leave your phone somewhere and go through the whole process of tracking your recent footsteps, calling your phone number, and reporting your missing phone? And doing all that to eventually find out your phone was at the bottom of your backpack the entire time? The point is, just keep your phone in sight at all times to avoid unnecessary stress!
Pisces
February 19–March 20
Know where every bathroom is so you can avoid lineups during breaks. Whenever there’s a 10-minute break during lecture, everyone just goes to the same nearest bathroom and spends the whole time lining up. If you walk one minute to a more hidden bathroom, you’ll probably have the whole bathroom to yourself.
