By: Alex Ileto, Peak Associate
Aries
Thwip! Welcome to your Spiderverse era. Just like Miles, prepare to battle your parallel universe counterparts (AKA your inner demons) who are much cooler and more successful than you are. The alternate universe where you took up a career in the medical field that your mom always wanted you to pursue? Wham! Kapow! The alternate universe where you married Momo from TWICE? Bam! This week, put all those “what-if” scenarios to the test.
Taurus
Embrace your inner superhero, The Flash, by making lightning-fast decisions that you probably needed to sit on longer) and sprint head first into friend group drama that shouldn’t really concern you! Alternatively, run away from all your problems! Zoom zoom!
Gemini
Have you been putting off goals this entire year because of yada yada yada? Embrace your inner Transformer and transform. Revive your Pinterest account from Grade 8, hit leg day at the on-campus gym (if you can brave the lack of AC and the lingering smell of sweat), and get onto productivity TikTok where 35-year-old men yell at you for wasting your time on people who aren’t at your level of intellect.
Cancer
You’re a Barbie girl, in your Barbie world. Say hello to your Barbie era. Get ready for all your wishes to be granted, all your houseplants to thrive, and all your days to be filled with impromptu musical numbers (with rehearsed choreography, of course). So strap on those rollerblades and act as if you come home to a Barbie Dreamhouse every day because life will truly be so fantastic.
Leo
An old fling will soon re-enter your life. Like in Past Lives, you will experience an upsetting array of confusing moments that will make you question every past decision you have made. If you don’t want to be bothered by your past, I suggest finding a new hyper fixation such as K-Pop-stanning, sticker collecting, and bouldering.
Virgo
Out with the old, in with new. Time to find some new friends! Kidnap a campus raccoon, uproot a tree, snatch a buff father and find a woman with green skin (good luck on that one) to assemble your very own Guardians of the Galaxy-inspired squad. Venture to the rest of the galaxy with your newfound friends to ignore the very real problems back at home.
Libra
Darling it’s better, down where it’s wetter (said no one ever). With the recent horror story about the Titan Submersible and the concerning reports of E. coli infested water in Vancouver, maybe it’s best to stay away from any body of water for now. So ignore that silly crab from The Little Mermaid — take it from me and stay dry.
Scorpio
Lately, you’ve been really uptight, so set aside some time in the week to let loose and have fun. Like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, it’s time to bring back the gang again for a wild night out. Maybe go clubbing at Levels and bump into high school classmates that finally escaped the suburbs. Alternatively, have a night in, eating pizza with the gang.
Sagittarius
Time to slay (literally and figuratively) like the doll, M3GAN from M3GAN. Just like M3GAN, spend the next week confronting those who have wronged you, haunt those who you want to get a rouse out of, and show off your dancing abilities during surprise dance battles.
Capricorn
Congratulations! You’ve entered your Oppenheimer era! Now is the time to give into destructive tendencies. Use your brain power to show the world what you’re made of. You’ll have a blast.
Aquarius
A summer adventure awaits. Take inspiration from Indiana Jones and go on an adventure through nature. Vancouver is known for its amazing outdoor adventures, so pick one and head out! Explore the river rapids up in Squamish, go stand-up paddle boarding in Belcarra, and trek through the Chief. Trust me, you will be whip-ped by the outstanding views.
Pisces
Have you heard of the movie, The Mother? Me neither, but I’m running out of Summer movies to reference! Based on the title and the fact that Jennifer Lopez plays the main character, I’m assuming it’s a movie about being a queen. So act like JLo this week and keep on mother-ing.
