SFU Student Updates: Oct 11–17

A weekly propaganda update for indoctrinated students

You’ve already made it farther through the article than 97% of the student population. ILLUSTRATION: Siloam Yeung / The Peak

By: Finn Power, SFU Student

Key Updates

We heard your pleading cries for change at Convocation Mall

Worry no more, the tiles between Convocation Mall will be changed yet again! SFU has long committed to promoting positive change in our community. Recent studies by unnamed authoritative experts have proven, without a doubt, that new tile schemes have dramatic effects on student mental health. Through upgrading the style and structure of Convocation Mall’s tiles, we hope to protect these monuments of SFU’s commitment to student welfare. The recent attack on these tiles has only steeled the administration’s resolve to preserve everything we stand for. Why address pressing, long-term institutional problems, when we can change the tiles?

Local birds provided steroid boosters to enhance sustainability

Recent concerns over local wildlife becoming increasingly aggressive on walking trails should be put to rest. The administration has intentionally started injecting high-grade steroids into local bird food sources to heighten sustainability on campus trails. One of SFU’s guiding principles has been holistic approaches to solutions. By “roiding” up local birds, we’ve created a cost-effective plan to protect the biodiversity of Burnaby Mountain from intruding students and recreational hikers. Let this be a reminder that SFU is committed to empowering the ecosystems on which our campuses are built.


Trapped in the labyrinthine halls of RCB?

Who cares? No one is coming to help you. Take this time to enjoy the many interesting and colorful maps as you slowly wither into a skeletal warning for those who dare venture after you. If you happen upon a geography professor by some odd chance, the best you can hope for is a brief rant about the importance of geography as a career before they disappear down one of the many Shining-like hallways. The least you can do is make sure your lich-like body is found in a funny position to help bring a fleeting smile to Robert C. Brown’s future victims. 

Professors protest Canvas

A united front of cross-departmental academic faculty has begun to boycott SFU’s online learning repository, Canvas. The boycott started over growing concerns that academic staff’s inability to learn how to use the website properly has eroded student trust. A statement from the Faculty Association of SFU asserts:

“SFU Canvas blatantly discriminates against scholarly staff by demanding they set up a page on a website they can’t be bothered to understand. If an academic can publish a PhD thesis, they can certainly learn to set up Canvas. We simply choose not to!”

Have you or a faculty member been diagnosed with mesothelioma? 

You might be entitled to an apologetic letter from Joy Johnson herself — which is in no way admission of malfeasance — over asbestos exposure on campus. The dream of an imposing concrete beacon of learning atop Burnaby Mountain wouldn’t have been possible without the miracle material of asbestos. Great engineers and architects designed the Burnaby Campus to quite literally take your breath away, and mesothelioma is just proof they succeeded in this goal. So, please, the next time you hear about possible asbestos exposure on campus, remember all of the good this versatile material has done for SFU. 

 Employment and volunteer opportunities

Another career fair to remind you of the existential dread of graduation

It’s time for yet another stress-inducing reminder that higher education means nothing without possible future employment opportunities. Watch as those who managed to find careers before a recession brought on by a global health pandemic lie to your face about job prospects. You’ll leave the event feeling a new appreciation for every moment not spent in the withering process of job hunting in your field of study. There truly is no better way to learn about why you should be excited to enter the workforce than through a Zoom job fair!

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