By: Kyla Dowling, Humour Editor
The Day The Earth Stood Still, The 6th Day, The Fly II: what do all these movies have in common?
They all were filmed on SFU’s Burnaby campus, yes. But that’s not all: these movies are also part of a massive conspiracy to hide the existence of a secret base underneath Robert C. Brown Hall that contains alien life.
Think about it: Actor/heartthrob/immortal being Keanu Reeves starred in the 2008 movie “The Day The Earth Stood Still”. His first name, Keanu, when broken down into a numerical code based on the order of the alphabet, looks like this: 11+5+1+14+21=52.
That’s right — 52, one number above 51, like Area 51. We all know that Area 51 is a top-secret American military base that shelters aliens. The only reason why the American government refuses to disavow this theory is because they’ve used it to create events like Alienstock, a “music festival” where they systematically wipe the attendees’ brains. Family members of those who went to Alienstock have reported that attendees unironically enjoy wearing neon clothing and dancing to electro-pop music. No normal person would ever admit to this — it has to be brainwashing.
SFU, though, is using a different strategy. By allowing our cold, concrete fortress to be used as a filming location for hit flicks like “Agent Cody Banks”, the school is hiding its secret alien base in plain sight.
But that’s not all. SFU isn’t just hiding aliens beneath RCB; they’re actively integrating alien lifeforms into our society. Haven’t you ever found it strange that SFU is a commuter school with few, if any, social activities on campus? It’s the perfect first location to release aliens wearing human skin into society. With minimal social interaction and few ways off the mountain, SFU is the ideal place for aliens to learn about humanity and take helpful courses like “Death and Dying” and “Relationship Building”.
If you run into one of these aliens, be not afraid. They’re simply trying to learn about the hallmarks of being human, like watching The Office over and over again despite being unable to pinpoint what’s actually funny about it. The aliens can be identified by their red backpacks (in which they store their tentacles and other inhuman anomalies) and their inability to shut up about Sports (the name of their home planet).