Top Ten things that have changed since lockdown one

Illustration: Siloam Yeung / The Peak

By: Juztin Bello, SFU Alumnus

  1. Your need for people

Early lockdown saw you lamenting over missing friends and enthusiastically speeding through Zoom calls like your ex from high school who, since dating you, speeds through frequent relationships (what’s up with that?). Nowadays, your friends would be lucky to have you open their message or even glance at your phone (other than for YouTube videos that become significantly more interesting past 1 a.m.). Just remember to keep enough people around for when lockdown ends; your dwindling social skills won’t lend themselves well to meeting and subsequently mistreating new people.

  1. Toilet paper hoarding

Can you believe that there was a time in our lives where people treated toilet paper like fucking gold? Seriously, what was up with that? Did people think that catching COVID-19 was going to induce around-the-clock shitting? No amount of ply in the world could save those cheeks from the virus, and yet here people were, literally suplexing one another just for that good TP. We should just be lucky that those Charmin bears who love wiping their asses don’t actually exist, ‘cause it would’ve been over for us all.

  1. Your hair colour

Like a mood ring that’s a more obvious cry for help, lockdown saw people go through the trials and tribulations of different hair journeys. People went from “optimistic that this will end soon” blonde, to “concerts are cancelled, I feel nothing” black, to “maybe looking like a big titty anime girl will fulfill my emptiness” blue, to the ever-popular “sus” red. And with COVID-19 still prominent a year later, the next hot hair trend to represent people’s emotions toward this is obvious: fully scalped.

  1. SFU Athletics’ team name

Remember when SFU Athletics finally changed their name from “The Cl*n”? What a victory that decision was! One that the department definitely came to in a timely manner, fully on their own accord, with no repeated pressure needed from the public at all, whatsoever. Maybe the next social justice movement during a pandemic SFU will do something about Health & Counselling Services! . . . Sorry, I’ll try MySSP before judging. I’ve heard great things.

  1. The United States’ presidency

When lockdown started, the United States were governed by an old white man. Now, however, they are governed by an old white man. You might be thinking: “wait, that doesn’t seem that different?” You’d be right to question this, yes: I was merely replicating the mentality of someone privileged to not see the difference between the current president (who actually seems to know that COVID-19 is dangerous) and that racist monster from Home Alone 2.

  1. Social media tolerance

What once was a lifeline, social media has now become the source of triggering many people’s life alert. This alert goes off when they see people who need to get a life or people who cause psychological harm to one’s own life. Between constant contest taggers on Instagram (who definitely will never win), mascformasc gays partying together who clearly aren’t maskformasc, and Facebook relatives sharing problematic yet sexy Minion pictures, it’s understandable why people have turned lockdown into blockdown.  

  1. How you perceive certain celebrities

Remember when people liked Ellen Degeneres? Yeah, me either. One of the beauties of lockdown is how many “problematic faves” have simply become problematic — faves no more. Poor politics? Suck a poli-dick. Anti-masker? Uh, we’re gonna have to (m)ask you to leave. And anyone into cannibalism? Yeah, big mis-steak. Yeah, I said it.

  1. Your sense of space

For a brief second, picture someone standing next to you — not doing anything, just standing there. Now picture shaking someone’s hand when you don’t know the last time they sanitized. OK, now picture a stranger putting their tongue down your throat and licking the entire inside of your mouth. Did any of this make you cringe? This is your sign: you’re forever changed now.

  1. Activism™ (and the more popular model Activism Lite™)

While COVID-19 looked to separate us, one thing that united us all was change. And that’s exactly what many people did: change(d their online personas to fit whatever opportunistic human rights issue was trending to make them seem woke). Whether it was bravely posting a black square and never mentioning the BLM movement again, or advocating for mental health with #BellLetsTalk in between commenting on videos of unsuspecting people filmed for comedy, y’all really got out there and let your morally ambiguous voices be heard.

  1. You 🙂 

Hey, you. Remember when lockdown started back in March? Almost exactly a year ago? Just think of the shameful, horrendous person you were back then: poor mental health you refused to take care of, no fashion sense, awful to be around, boring, and generally just a garbage human. But a year later, look at you now! You kind of dress better!

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