Written by Madeleine Chan, SFU Student
No Halloween costume yet? Fear not. If you’ve fallen victim to the perils of procrastination, here are six simple costume ideas for the everyday SFU student.
Grab a vampire outfit, and then frisk your bedroom floor (or your richest North Van friend’s, your choice) for as much cash as you can find. $50 bills are preferable for the ideal blood colour. Blend the bills up, then pour in the tears you just cried for all those wasted dollars. Decant the concoction into your blender bottle, add your reusable straw, put on your vampire costume, and become your own fiscal leech.
Acquire some white construction tarp, yellow construction tape, a pile of old red floor tiles, and a jackhammer. Wrap the tarp around you like a toga and tie the construction tape on top to secure. Carry around a stack of the tiles and give them out like flyers. When people ask what you are, just yell “ALWAYS UNDER CONSTRUCTION” while jackhammering a nearby concrete wall.
Student in a lecture hall
Spread some superglue all over the seat you’re about to sit on in lecture. After class ends, stand up. That fragile sucker should just pop right out of the ground. You won’t be able to stand up straight, but you’ll be the spitting image of a hunched-over student in a large lecture hall.
Knock-off Rocket and Groot
Arrive at SFU Burnaby early in the morning. Camp out by the four-stream waste bin in West Mall and wait for a raccoon to paddle towards you through the motion-sensor doors. Stare into its hungry eyes and bond over your desire for food security. Then, take your newfound pal into the forest. Forage for foliage that you can stick to your clothes like a scarecrow. Emerge with your furry friend on your shoulder and a burning need to launch yourselves into space the moment October ends.
Life(less)-long student debt
The scariest thing that a student could face. Print out all of your past tuition statements, textbook receipts, student loans, receipts from over-priced lunches . . . Then, papier-mâché them all to your body. After all those Cornerstone stress-binges, you should have enough paper proof to mummify yourself.
The mythical school spirit of SFU
Fill your bathtub with red paint and immerse yourself in your school colour. Run around screaming phrases like “I AM SFU” and “ENGAGING THE WORLD” in a Scottish accent. If you really want to scare people, whisper “tuition raise” in their ear.