Common man-cold season starts, plagues student body with incessant whining

The real victims are those who have to suffer with the diseased, says SFU

Sick man having coffee in bed

Written by Marco Ovies, Staff Writer

It’s that time of year again: the common man-cold has taken over SFU.

According to a MySpace survey, frigivenena masculinum currently afflicts as many as three students. Symptoms include a mildly runny nose, excessive clearing of the throat, and endless complaining. Fearing what might happen should a fourth man contract the disease — for example, the chance that the sufferers may form a Burnaby-based barbershop quartet and lyricize their most memorable mansplanations for the student masses — SFU has advised students to stay at home if they are sick and to bundle up for the cold weather. 

Unfortunately, for some students, the message still hasn’t seemed to hit home. The Peak took to the streets to see how the SFU community was taking the outbreak of this disease.

“What do you mean, I can’t wear my basketball shorts?” asked first year Chad Strateman, sipping his ice-cold Monster Energy drink and visibly shivering in the pouring rain. “Calves gotta breathe, buddy. It’s called leg day, not lung day.”

SFU further advises that the biggest danger from this disease isn’t from physically catching it; it’s from having to deal with the men who already have it. So loud has the infected men’s bewailing grown that it’s now drowning out the inner screams of students at all three campuses, most notably those who’ve recently gotten grades back for their first STAT 100 exams.

While the common man-cold can be caught by women, for whatever reason, the symptoms do not seem to be as worse. 

“We are still doing extensive research, based on the stats from 2018’s big influx. But we just can’t seem to find any scientific explanation for this,” said Dr. Anna Tomi Gray. “It’s the exact same virus that goes around . . . the men just express so much more pain. Last year, my lab assistant walked in and apologized profusely for interrupting the poetry slam.”

Despite the lack of scientific backing for the common man-cold’s more intense effects, the men of SFU don’t think they’re being treated fairly. 

“My head hurts. My tummy hurts. My nose hurts,” said Chris Whitman, fourth year engineering student, after approaching a Peak reporter (me) on the 95 B-Line while both of their (my) earbuds were in. “And I have this ache in my knee that I don’t think is from the cold . . . But that hurts too. Just in case you were wondering.”

The Peak reached out to WHO (World Health Organization) for comment on the man-pidemic, but we were left on read. In an email chain. Their representative physically typed out “Read at 4:20 p.m.” and hit “send.”

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