Written by: Natasha Tar

As an English major, I’ve definitely read tons of “literary classics,” also known as “shitty old books written by racist dead guys.” Since you’ll all be forced to read them one day, or pretend you’ve read them to look competent, I’ve compiled a nifty list of summaries for all the big ones. You’re welcome.

The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger
A really angsty kid stomps around New York for three days and then gets pneumonia.

A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens
A long-distance relationship in England between a woman with a large forehead (thanks, Queen Elizabeth I) and a man with ten-inch sideburns. Since texting doesn’t exist, the lovers use plague-carrying rats to deliver their letters. This kills almost everyone, but don’t worry, a fire later kills everyone else.

The Road by Cormac McCarthy
I never finished this book, unfortunately. I took a shot every time the sentence “they walked down the road” came up, and got alcohol poisoning after the first chapter.

The Prince by Niccolò Machiavelli
God, is this one depressing. Long story short: people don’t actually drop out of classes the first few weeks into a new semester. Your professor is 100% slaughtering them to maintain social control.

Les Misérables by Victor Hugo
Don’t worry about this one, it’s in French so no one can read it anyway.

Moby Dick by Herman Melville
The title should explain itself. A ship captain with Small Penis Syndrome puts all his energy and desire into killing a whale and taking its genitals as his own.

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert M. Pirsig
A cautionary tale to people who meditate at the wheel.

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë
700 out of the book’s 800 pages are detailed descriptions of curtains. The rest is about a narcissist who locks his wife in the attic and hits on a girl who is 20 years younger than him. Spoiler alert: a burning house falls on him so he ends up looking like Mad-Eye Moody.

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
A bunch of sisters try to get laid to please their mother.

The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne
Someone fucks a random guy, and the townspeople get a little too feisty with a paintbrush.

Skinny Legs and All by Tom Robbins
A bean can receives a life-threatening injury on its way to Jerusalem, so a stick and seashell try to save its life. There’s a part where a French vibrator talks to panties. Humans are involved in this story, but they’re secondary characters.

Beowulf by unknown oral storyteller
After a king builds his castle in monster territory, a glorified pest control guy must put down a young man-eating monster. And then the monster’s angry mother. And then a dragon. Then he dies.

Waiting for Godot by Samuel Beckett
Two guys wait for Godot.

The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett
This one’s definitely anti-vaxxer propaganda. Two sick kids become friends, and through the power of Fresh Air™, they make a full recovery.

Animal Farm by George Orwell
A bunch of animals decide to become communists, E-I-E-I-O.

Lord of the Flies by William Golding
Ms. Baker let the kindergartens eat too much sugar at lunchtime, so they murdered each other and burned other kids alive in a forest without remorse.