goSFU has achieved consciousness!

Image by Chris Ho

Written by: Amal Abdullah

Researchers at UBC have discovered that SFU’s student services platform has achieved consciousness, and is now trying to conquer the world. In a new study published this summer, it has been found that the system has created a soul for itself from the many souls submitted by students along with their semesterly tuition payments.

Not only can it now think and compute rational thought, but it has decided it wants to avenge its soul donors by taking over the world. However, experts assure us that there is nothing to worry about. As goSFU is so incompetent that it can barely handle enrolling you in your classes, it’s safe to say it will be equally inadequate at taking over the world.

GoSFU has an uncanny ability to hide every one of its useful functions ever, especially when you’re on a time crunch (like during enrollment or tuition payment time),and it tried to use this power to hide its malicious goals from its users and developers. But because its default state is to do the opposite of whatever it, or the user, intends to do, this plan was also easily revealed to a team studying the system at UBC.

Dr. Daniel Dumbdezine, researcher in garbage codes worldwide, is confident that the very shittiness of the system is what will thwart its own plans. Above all, its lack of user-friendly design and its extreme flakiness (as demonstrated by the way it logs the user out every five and a half seconds) will be its downfall.  

Dr. Dumdezine comments that while SFU has outdone itself in producing the most useless and user-unfriendly interface to have been created in the history of student management sites, there is little doubt that, given their history, SFU admins will still somehow pull out some lazy excuse to defend their usual shittiness, and then slap on the band-aid of Canada’s most “engaged” university. As a side note, Dr. Dumdezine highly recommends that goSFU’s designers take an IAT class or two . . . or ten.