How to pick up girls in the gym

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Illustrated by Emma Wu

Written by: Victoria Lopatka

  1.      Dress for success. Rip the sleeves off your T-shirt, and pair some oversized basketball shorts with overpriced basketball sneakers (even though you haven’t picked up a basketball since grade 10 gym class).
  2.      Once in the gym, pick a target — yes, we refer to girls as “targets” now. You’re going to want to pick a girl — I mean, target — who’s alone, because if she has too many friends, she won’t have any time to hang out with you, y’know? Also, pick a girl that looks really busy. Girls — I mean targets — love being interrupted when they’re doing stuff because it makes you look really bold. Like, look at this guy who came over and interrupted me working out. He must have something really important to say.
  3.      Show off around her. A good way to get a girl’s attention is to lift weights in her general area and make lots of “I’m working really hard; this weight is heavy” sounds. When you grunt like a pig in heat, an animalistic part of her brain will respond and be super turned on. Bonus if you’re sweating profusely and releasing pheromones.
  4.      Lead with a strong opening line. My personal favourite is grunting “Snapchat” and gesturing towards her phone. Long, eloquent, and clever pick-up lines are for guys who don’t have any game.
  5.      If she doesn’t respond to your opening line, get all up in her business. She’s probably stunned that youyou god, you — would actually speak to her, so take this opportunity to show off how big you are in relation to her petite stature. Flex your biceps or something. When people get really close together, they kiss, right? So, if you get up in her personal space, she’ll start thinking about kissing.
  6.      If she’s still too stunned to respond, try playfully taking away her phone. You can create a little game of “keep away.” Girls love having their valuables taken away and tossed around carelessly. It sends the message that you’re a risk-taker — a man on the edge.
  7.      Now, at this point you’ve either sealed the deal or there’s a tiny chance you may be rejected. If rejected, you have two options: write her off as dumb, ugly, and fat, or try even harder. Targets — ahem, girls — love playing hard to get, so there’s a 99% chance her rejection is just an invitation for you to try again, and again, and again. Why wouldn’t anyone want you, you handsome beast?
  8.      If everyone is staring at you in the gym, remember it’s because they’re either jealous, interested or observing your smooth moves.
  9.      If she has a friend, repeat your technique with the friend in front of the first girl. She’ll probably get jealous and want you back.
  10.  Use your entire workout time staring at and hitting on girls, then lift a five-pound weight a few times and leave. If you didn’t get any phone numbers, there’s always tomorrow. You got this, tiger.