By: Victoria Lopatka
Wear all-grey. Grey pants, socks, shoes, shirt, and backpack. That way, if you see someone you don’t like, you can just blend in with the architecture and avoid a conversation.
A giant plaid infinity scarf that covers your entire body. Those things are comfortable as heck and you deserve that level of comfort when you go to class.
A dog costume. You’ll get more affection, garner more attention, and make more friends than you would as a human.
Heelys (I think that’s what they’re called? Those shoes with little wheels in the sole?) You’re walking to the 145 bus stop, and you see it blinking to turn out of the loop and leave. Luckily, you’ve got your Heelys, and you slide (roll? wheel? slip?) right up to the bus doors. (The bus driver will probably leave you behind anyways, but whatever.)
An all-plastic outfit. This one’s for the rainy days so rainy that your normal rainy day clothes do nothing to protect your soft, sensitive skin. It keeps you 100% dry and is great for gross Burnaby Mountain weather(. . . until you end up looking like Kim Kardashian’s feet in those clear YEEZY boots.)
A hoodie with a complete map of SFU on the back. This one will be helpful for fall, when freshmen will be wandering around asking where C9001 is. This way, you can keep your earbuds in and focus on your morning coffee, while your hoodie does all the socializing for you.
Office-appropriate formal wear. This one is to blend in with the Beedie students so that they don’t try to feast on your soul.
Anything but those brown fur-lined slippers with the hard sole. Do you know the ones I’m talking about? I think they sell them at Costco and probably the Ugg store. I see people wearing these outside all the time, including on rainy days, and I need an explanation for why anyone thinks that’s a good idea. The moment those get wet you’ve committed to spending the entire day smelling vaguely like a wet sheep. Just wear some runners!
An SFU hoodie from departments like Microbiology or Engineering. People will think you’re smarter than you really are.
Your pyjamas. (This one isn’t even a joke.)