By: Nathaniel Tok
People think that university is a type of community — a place to make lifelong friends. Of course, that’s just naïve first-years talking. Everyone knows that making friends in university is pointless. The classrooms hold up to 300 people — even if you made a friend today, there’s no way to find that person tomorrow . . . that is, if you even remember what they look like.
Relationships in university are also unnatural. Every so often, I’m wandering down the halls thinking of which department or club is serving free coffee, and I see someone I vaguely recognize. That person sees me too, and then we just stare at each other, wondering if someone should initiate. Talk about awkward. What would be the point of interacting. anyway?
“Hey man, do I know you?”
“Ya, I think so but from where?”
“It was a science class I think… Right, I remember! CHEM 126, you spilled acid on my lab coat!”
See what I mean? The best thing to do is to avoid people. Don’t make friends, and definitely don’t be social. As my mum says, time spent hanging out with friends is time not spent studying. It’s even in our school’s name. SFU: Socially Failed University. That’s what you were thinking, right? Anyway, here are my top tips for avoiding social interactions.
Don’t go through the 9000-level AQ hallways
Who does this? It’s ridiculous! There are way too many people. Especially in the fall semesters when the first-years crowd outside the lecture halls eager to go in early. Don’t be stupid. Do what I do: go to the AQ basement, 1000-level, and walk those halls. They’re directly under the 3000 level, so you can use this method to get to where you’re going.
Carry a clipboard and walk quickly
People always think I’m a tour guide or something. I’ll be minding my own business, and then someone will come up to me and ask me where some random place is. (This even happens to me when I’m on vacation. Come on, I don’t even live here!) So what I do is this: if I have to walk through a busy place on campus, I carry a clipboard and walk quickly. People automatically think I’m in a hurry to get somewhere and stay out of my way. Of course, I’m just on my way to Starbucks because my caffeine fix is dying off.
Give off an angry vibe
We Canadians are a friendly people. So we have no idea what to do when we meet a person who is angry and we avoid them. Therefore, I pretend to be mad whenever I’m at SFU, or at least mildly irritated. It’s easier than you think. Just remember you’re paying to be on a mountain peak in the middle of nowhere.
Skip class
I saved my best advice for last. People can’t talk to you if you’re not there.
