Hot new Uber delivery services!

Illustration by Jarielle Lim

If you haven’t been living under a rock these past few years, you would have heard of Uber — a more affordable taxi service that transports a person from point A to B (I mean, they’re a taxi service, if transportation wasn’t their goal, I’d be worried). Uber has delivery services, with Uber Eats (where you can order ready-made food so your lazy ass doesn’t have to put on real clothes), Uber Health (delivery of vaccines), and UberKITTENS (kittens for playtime and adoption). Even with all these cool benefits, Uber is still a shitty company who doesn’t give a flying fuck about their employees.

Anyways, Uber is coming to Vancouver soon and we will all be able to experience taxi services that don’t require a down deposit of a firstborn child.

 

  1. UberStudentLoans

Every time someone opts to take an Uber rather than a traditional taxi, the driver will tack a small portion of their student loans onto the bill. Let’s be honest, how else will they be able to pay off the tens of thousands of dollars of debt from receiving a post-secondary education? It’s not like Uber executives are making any real effort to cut them a living wage.

 

  1. UberGlitterBomb

Everyone has that one person they’d offer to the wolves in time of need, and if you say you don’t, you’re lying. Why not get Uber to send a glitter bomb to this person’s mailbox? It’s a win-win situation because a) one can orchestrate this from the comfort of their couch and b) Uber drivers don’t have to listen to the incessant chatter of some backseat know-it-all, drunkard, or professional ranter.

  1. UberUmbrellas

Raise your hand if you have been personally victimized by Vancouver’s moody weather. Uber executives would be downright fools if they don’t implement this service in a city with only one season: rain. You text a driver your location, and in five plus minutes (depending on how much of an inconvenience you are) a working umbrella is delivered. You might get a few side eyes though, because only newbies believe the Weather Network’s bullshit.

  1. UberFlannels

Whether you’re attending a house party hosted by that frat boy with a questionable reputation or you’re going to the movies with your gal pal, a flannel shirt is perfect for when you want to look approachable but also I came here to party. Just send a driver a preferred colour and they’ll most likely deliver a completely different coloured one.

  1. UberWakeupCall

Are you unable to wake up any earlier than two in the afternoon? Do you constantly piss off your significant other and friends by your laziness? If you said ‘yes’ to these, then please sign up for UberWakeupCall. The night before, tell a driver your desired wakeup time, and your job is done! Someone will arrive in the morning with a hot/iced coffee and a wakeup call ranging from yelling, to cold water, to a slap in the face — depending on your level of tiredness.

  1. Uber95

A driver in possession of a bus will make all the same stops that the 95 does — except they’ll actually be on time to get you to the class SFU should’ve already cancelled.

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